


All The Time I Dream Of You

by TheHottieAndTheCutie



Category: Skam - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Boyfriends, Comfort, Confessions of love, Depression, Family, Fighting, Fluff, Happy, Hurt, Insomnia, Love, M/M, Mania, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mentions of Sex, Partying, Pillow Talk, Pining, Relationship Discussions, Silence, Songs, Surprises, Thoughts of Suicide, a very fluffy birthday party only for the two of them, happiness, what happens when I've saved you?, you save me right back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-09-23 20:49:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 76,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9676025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHottieAndTheCutie/pseuds/TheHottieAndTheCutie
Summary: “Wow,” Even breathes out, chuckling. He sits up just when Isak sets it down on the floor. There’s five candles, which burn slowly.“I also know that you aren’t turning five. If you were, this right here…” Isak points at himself and then at Even, “Would be completely illegal.” He smiles, his eyes glinting in the candle light. His joke makes Even laugh out loud, but he can’t take his eyes off the cake. With shaky handwriting, his name has been written with white chocolate over the frosting. And it looks a lot like Isak’s. He gazes at Isak, seeing his nervous eyes and blushed cheeks.-Set over a few weeks, at 21:21.Even knows they love each other, they've loved each other for a long time now. But saying it out loud is a different thing. Especially, when he feels like he could ruin his and Isak's relationship.





	1. Wednesday 21:21

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!  
> So this is my first Evak fic and I'm hella nervous. I was supposed to write this in one evening, but it turned into a month. This was also supposed to be only a small, one chapter thing, but became a 9 chapter thing. I just couldn't help myself. 
> 
> Disclaimer!  
> I don't have a bipolar disorder, but I did research and hope I won't offend anyone with anything. I tried to be as discreet and careful as possible. But, I do know a thing or two about depression, which heavily influenced my writing. If you feel like there's something, which needs to be fixed, come holler at me :)
> 
> English isn't my first language so I hope there won't be much typos. If there are, you can blame them on me :D 
> 
> \- -
> 
> The song I listened to while writing this chapter was Susanne Sundfør - The Brothel.

An odd feeling. In the middle of the night, the oddness wakes Even up, whispering in his ear. _This is your odd feeling, hello_. He stares up towards the ceiling, darkness licking every inch of it. He listens to the sound, which keeps whispering. It keeps laughing. It keeps telling him about the things his other Even might want to do. But he doesn’t want to move. 

He hears Isak snoring lightly next to him. They had both been so tired after spending the day outside. They had done nothing and they had done everything. It was a perfect day. 

“Shut up,” Even sais into the darkness without a sound and turns towards Isak. Even watches him, instantly feeling much calmer. Isak’s eyelashes fluttered and he starts smiling in his sleep. A small chuckle vibrates somewhere deep inside of him until he returns into the calm sleep he was in. He clutches his pillow a bit closer, burrowing his face against it. Slowly he turns around, hiding his face from Even.

Even stares at the back of his head, watching the small curls in the nape of his neck. The faint light coming in from the window, through the makeshift curtain Isak has hung on the curtain rod, hits Isak’s face. Even looks at his profile, the halo around his head. He blows air from his mouth against the curls on Isak’s temple and they look soft as ever. He lifts his hand up to touch Isak’s neck, but hesitates. 

He doesn’t want to wake Isak. He doesn’t want to disturb his sleep. He should let Isak sleep, not wake him only because Even can’t sleep. Even pulls his hand back and tucks it under his pillow, under Isak’s blue pillow, which Even always gets when he comes over for the night. That has happened so often now that the pillow isn’t really Isak’s anymore. But every time Even doesn’t stay at Isak’s and they spend the night apart, he knows Isak sleeps with the pillow. Every time Even comes back, the pillow smells more like Isak, his Isak. 

Even turns around, taking the pillow and wraps it against his chest with his arms. He breathes in the smell and closes his eyes. But they keep opening, like his eyes wouldn’t want to sleep. They want to keep him awake even though Even’s head is telling him to sleep. He sighs and keeps staring at the ceiling. He hopes Isak will wake up soon. He knows Isak will wake up. They never go to sleep this early and this is more like napping rather than sleeping for the whole night. 

 

“Hey,” Isak whispers. Even turns his head to see Isak looking at him, worried, but his eyes get brighter when Even looks at him. 

“I didn’t notice you had woken up,” Even mutters, turning on his side. He places the pillow back under his head, coming a bit closer to Isak. 

“I’ve been awake for a while already.” 

“You have?”

Isak brings his hand up to caress the skin under Even’s eye, then behind his head to stroke the back of his neck. 

 

“Mmhmm, couldn’t sleep when I knew you’re awake,” Isak smiles and pecks his lips. 

“What were you thinking?” He asks. Even swallows, not really knowing what he should say. But then again, he made a promise to himself to be honest with Isak. Even though it’s extremely hard to be honest about how he feels, he still made it. When he was still with Sonja, he was always afraid to tell her how he really felt. And every time he did, she started to fuss about it, making sure he’s okay and telling him what he could do to make it better. Sometimes she just knew what was going on and words weren’t needed. 

With Isak it’s different. Even can see the worry in his expression, in his eyes. But he doesn’t fuss. He helps Even by not being a babysitter. He’s just there, listening and giving Even what he needs. He’s not making Even do what Isak wants, he’s trying to make Even create something which could help him get through his depressive feelings. 

 

“Just how…” Even looks into Isak’s eyes. They swallow him, relax him, give him courage. 

“I was thinking how nice today has been. But now as the darkness falls, I feel like falling too,” he can’t face Isak anymore. He looks towards the ceiling, towards the shadows and the shards of light from the window. 

“And I’ll be here catching you,” Isak says so quietly Even has to make sure he actually said it. 

“What?” Even blinks slowly, but gets only Isak’s smile as an answer. 

“I save you right back, or how did it go?” Isak pecks Even’s cheek, then strokes it gently with his thumb. 

“Then you save me right back…” Even repeats, whispers the words, and closes his eyes. 

“You want to stay in bed or should we go make something to eat? I feel like I want hot chocolate.” 

Isak sits up next to Even, his hand on Even’s thigh. 

“Hot chocolate sounds nice,” he opens his eyes and smiles weakly. Isak takes Even’s hands into his own and lifts Even up. They sit on Isak’s bed for a while, face to face. Isak wraps his arms around Even’s neck and keeps his cheek against Even’s. 

 

“I also know a movie we could watch,” he breathes. It tickles Even’s ear and he chuckles. Isak leans back and sees Even’s lifted brows. 

“Pretty woman… I still haven’t seen it even though you said we have to watch it sometime,” he smiles. 

“Now you want to watch it?” Even asks, incredulous. He remembers the last time he tried to get Isak to watch it but Isak kept saying that they should watch something else instead. So, they did and it was okay. 

“Yeah, I want to watch it,” Isak looks smug. His fingers squeeze the back of Even’s neck lightly. 

“Okay,” Even kisses him and Isak hums against his lips. 

 

When they get up from bed and walk hand in hand out from Isak’s room, Isak turns to look Even in the eyes. He knows what’s coming. Isak already knows the look on Even’s face, which is screaming for the darkness to leave him alone. But he can’t help it now. The darkness has already crept in and is trying to corrupt his thoughts. 

Even looks at Isak, and Isak stops. Even slows his steps. He doesn’t say anything out loud, but Isak already knows what he’s saying inside his head. 

“ _Thank you for the distraction._ ” He truly is grateful. Isak lifts his hands up to Even’s cheeks and cradles his face between his palms. 

“Always,” Isak says out loud, and hugs him tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to know what you think, so leave a comment or come and talk to me on [tumblr](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/) :)  
> If you like, you can also share [this post](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/post/157161036023/all-the-time-i-dream-of-you-wow-even-breathes) :)


	2. Friday 21:21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to while writing  
> The Maccabees - Marks To Prove It  
> Nils Bech - A Sudden Sickness

Even wants those sandwiches. He just wants to give them to Isak. He knows Isak will love them. They’re the best. Even remembers how he ate them with his mum when he was young. Like 10 or something. He loved them. They were so fresh. And so delicious. He can feel his mouth salivating from the thought. And now his boyfriend can have them too. Oh my. He’ll love them! 

Even can feel his hands shaking. He’s holding onto his bike so tightly and his legs are moving so fast. He can feel the cold wind on his face. There’s cars driving even as fast as he is. But Even is determined to be faster than them. Some honk. Some just drive and splash water on him from the road. 

Or maybe it’s a highway already. Even’s not completely sure. He just clutches his bike a bit harder and keeps on going. He sees the signs which will tell him where he needs to turn. He knows it’s a bit of a stretch to go that far but it won’t take him too long. He just needs to ride his bike until he gets to the ferry and then he’s on his way to Denmark and then he’ll get the sandwiches and then he can get back. It’s not that hard. He can feel his heart hammering in his chest and he feels _alive_!

It starts to rain a bit harder and the freezing water droplets smash against his face like small shards of ice. But he decides not to care. So what if it rains. It’s okay! 

 

115 km to go before the ferry. Even breathes out a long breath and keeps on going. He can see bright headlights behind him. The car honks. He looks back. And it’s not a car but a truck. Even slows his pace a bit and gives the truck a bit more space. It’s not like he’s on the road. He’s driving his bicycle next to it. The truck goes past, soaking Even completely. Even wobbles with his bike for a moment before he falls. He doesn’t stop though. He just gets back up and keeps on going. 

_Maybe I should’ve worn a jacket_ , he thinks and feels his shirt freezing against his skin. But it’s worth the sandwiches. Isak will love them! 

Other bright lights get closer to him. Much slower this time, though. Even drives with his bike extremely carefully not to fall again. He didn’t even hurt himself, but it still didn’t feel nice. 

A loud siren sound scares him. He looks behind him, seeing a police car. 

“Ooooh, shit,” he whispers, and stops. He keeps looking straight ahead, thinking if he should just keep on going. The police car has now stopped and Even can hear them opening and closing the doors. Maybe they’re his chance. If Even explains what he’s doing, maybe they can give him a ride! That would save the day! He’d get there so much quicker! 

 

“Hello!” One of the officers greets Even. She’s smiling, but looks a bit confused. Maybe she’s thinking the same thing; _why the hell didn’t he bring a jacket_?!

“Hi!” Even smiles at her. The other officer comes to stand next to him. They look at each other and Even looks at them. 

“What’s your name?” The lady asks, a friendly look on her face. 

“Even!” He says and feels himself smiling. He really needs to get going. He’s already starting to feel his muscles cooling down and that can’t happen. 

“Okay, Even, do you know where you are?” 

“Uhhh, yeah, I’m going to Denmark!” 

“To Denmark?” The other officer asks. He looks at the lady, a concerned look on his face. 

“Yeah, to Denmark! I want to get my boyfriend the best sandwiches I know,” Even smiles at them, but something doesn’t feel right. There’s something which doesn’t make sense right now… 

“Even, here’s the thing… You’re riding, I’m assuming, your bike on a highway. And it’s not really that safe.” 

Even swallows, listening to the officer speak. 

“But the sandwiches, I really need to get them!” He just _has to_!

 

“Where do you live?” 

“Oslo, why?” 

“Here’s the thing… We really can’t let you go, it’s too dangerous for yourself and for others too,” the male officer points out. Even feels confusion in his head, boiling with his need to get the sandwiches and the feeling of something not being right. 

“Can you take me to Denmark then? I can ride back home from there,” Even looks towards the lady, who seems like she understands him a bit more. 

“I’m sorry but we can’t…” 

Even looks ahead, seeing the tail lights of the cars, which are going where he should be going too. 

 

“Can I maybe ask you… Are you on any description medication?” The man asks, concerned. Even swallows hard. He nods his head. His hands are shaking and he feels the reality sinking in. He’s driving with his bike, to Denmark. _But the sandwiches_ , his head reminds him. 

“Does your family know where you are?” The lady asks. 

“I think I told them…” He really isn’t sure anymore. Did he tell them? 

“You don’t have your phone with you?” Even touches his jeans, not feeling his phone in his pockets. He shakes his head again, desperate to feel like himself again. But what does ‘being himself’ mean? 

 

“Would you come with us, so we can take you back home?” 

“Anne, look,” the man points towards Even’s hands. He looks down too, seeing his other sleeve ripped open. 

“Did you fall?” 

“I think so…” Even turns his hand to see the wound on his arm. It’s bleeding pretty badly. The officers help Even off his bike. The lady helps him into the back of the car and the other takes his bike. 

“Can you remember your parents number, for your mum or dad?” 

“Yeah, I can…” She sits Even in the car and wraps a blanket around him. She hands him a phone and he types in his dad’s number. 

 

“Just wait here,” she smiles at Even and closes the door. He sits on the small bench on the back of the police van and stares in front of him, at the wall. Car lights flash past time and time again, like he’d be at a party. He can hear the officer talking outside the doors, but her voice is muffled. 

This isn’t real. This… He was going to Denmark on his bike. He pulls his arm out under the blanket and feels the pain slowly burning him. He is frozen until the door opens. 

 

“Okay, Even, we’re going to take you to a hospital and your family’s going to be there waiting for you.” She smiles kindly, maybe a little sadly. 

“Excuse me!” Even shouts when she’s already closing the door. 

“Yes?” 

“What’s the time?” She gets her phone out and looks at it. 

“Almost one in the morning.” He looks at her, not really sure if he should believe her or not. Time doesn’t seem real anymore. He can’t remember… Where did it all start? How…? 

He feels the car moving and he presses his eyes shut. The more he thinks about where he is, what he was about to do, the more embarrassed he feels. He just hopes Isak won’t be there, he can’t face Isak right now. His mind is still shouting him to go and get the sandwiches, to just jump out of the car. But a more sensible side is suppressing the need to jump. His head aches and his limbs feel like they’re made of stone. He feels shivers running through his muscles, making the cold even worse. 

 

The drive seems too long. Being in a closed space, in a very small space, he starts to feel claustrophobic. He feels like he can’t stay seated, that he needs to move, that he needs to get out. He can feel his breathing getting harder, more laboured, aching. Maybe this is what he deserves. A place where he can’t move. A dark place where he must face his fears. Tears burn in his eyes and they seem endless. His lungs feel too small and filled with holes. He can’t breathe. He starts to bang his fist against the back wall, just hoping the officers will hear him and help him breathe. That they’ll open the door and give him air. 

The bike. It’s just on the other side of the wall. If he could get it, he could keep going. Just open the door and go and snatch his bike. Yeah! Even throws the blanket from his shoulders, feeling adrenaline pumping in his veins. Yes! He’ll open the door… It won’t open. Even tries to push it, but it won’t move. He starts to hit it, hard. He just has to open it. The suffocating feeling starts to fill his lungs again. He can feel himself hitting the door and his breathing wheezes out from his mouth and tears stream down his face and he’s saying something, but he can’t hear what because everything is just blurry and messy and uncontrollable. It’s too much! He slowly falls on his knees, his head against the door. 

 

Something clicks. He closes his eyes, squeezes them shut harder. And wishes. _This is not real._

The door opens slowly, his body following. The male officer catches him and holds him from his shoulders. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he keeps saying quietly. Even doesn’t know why he’s saying it like that. He feels rain on his hands. Slow rain. Just a few drops falling here and there. It was raining harder before. 

He can hear people talking and when he opens his eyes, his sight is blurry. Is something happening to his eyes? The feeling of not seeing properly fills his mind with anxiousness and fear. He touches his eyes with the back of his hand and it gets wet right away. He looks at it, seeing the small pool of water on his skin. He touches his other eye. The rain. Tears. Was he crying? 

He looks up, seeing two people walking closer with the female officer. 

“Let’s take you inside,” the other of the nurses says. She comes to stand next to him with the other nurse and they help him stand up from the police van. They walk him in, holding him from his arms. Even doesn’t know if he’s walking or floating, he doesn’t know if his legs are working. Everything feels surreal and very real at the same time. His legs prickle and ache. His hands are shaking again and his arm stings. 

 

The nurses walk him into an emergency room and sit him on the bed. 

“I’m Siri,” the other nurse leaves, while the other stays with Even. She’s looking at him in the eyes, while sitting in front of him on a swivel stool. She looks friendly, while taking Even’s hand into hers. She has medical gloves on, checking his arm gently. 

“Even,” he says quietly, watching her check the wound. 

“Can you tell me what happened?” 

Even looks at her, his eyes drifting towards the floor. 

“I guess I fell,” he says, his voice choked. 

“Hmmm… Yes. Well, it doesn’t look that bad, some minor road rash. I’ll clean it and put some bandage on it. How about your face? Do you remember if you hit your head?” She looks up, questioning, still gentle. Maybe she knows. She must know. Even can’t look her in the eyes anymore. What has happened to his face? 

“I don’t know, I can’t remember,” Even says truthfully. He has no idea what she’s talking about. 

“Can I see?” She asks, looking at his face. 

“It doesn’t look like you’ve hit your face hard, just a little scratching. Can you feel any dizziness? Headache?” 

“No, no,” he shakes his head slowly. 

“Good. Okay, well, I’m going to clean these up and it seems like there aren’t any other visible wounds on you. There’s probably going to be some bruising, but they’ll fade. Now, your parents are outside, would you like to see them?” She tells him, preparing the equipment to take care of his road rash. 

Why is she asking? They’ll come in anyway, they’ll be worried anyway. 

“Just dad?” He doesn’t want to see his mum, not yet. That’s why he gave the officer his dad’s number. He’s much calmer than mum. He’ll be honest with Even. Siri smiles and opens the door to ask in Even’s dad. Just seconds later his dad walks in, relieved look on his face. He has Even’s jacket with him, with his hat and thick scarf. 

 

“How are you feeling?” His dad sits behind his back, warmth radiating from him like a radiator. Even just shakes his head, watching Siri clean his skin from blood and whatever was on the surface of the road. 

“I can’t remember…” 

“What happened today?” His dad asks, just as silently as Even talks. 

“Can you remember what happened this morning?” Even shakes his head again, _no_. 

“You didn’t sleep last night at all, and this morning you kept saying that you have to write something. Mum and I didn’t really know what it was, but it had something to do with Isak. You talked about Isak a lot.” 

“Is he here?” 

“Isak? No, he’s not, but mum can call him. He already knows you went missing for a bit,” Even’s dad places his hand on Even’s shoulder, holding it there, just to make sure Even knows he’s not alone. 

 

“Don’t call him, I don’t want him to know, not yet,” Even swallows. He knows Isak should know. He knows Isak will know, but Even won’t be the one telling him. Even should be honest to Isak, but he’s so scared. What if Isak will just leave? What if he’s had enough? Even’s not alright, he’s a mess, he’s _bipolar_ , in the middle of one of his episodes. He knows it will be worse again, he can feel it. His mind is racing and at the same time everything seems very slow. He feels uncomfortable. The episode binds his hands together in a way which could cut them off. He’s on the mercy of his episode, he’s too tired to control it. 

“Okay, we won’t call him,” his dad assures Even. He doesn’t say much after that. They both watch the nurse do her work. 

“I went missing?” 

“You left after nine. You had been in your room for a while already and we thought you had fallen asleep. But then we heard the door and couldn’t find you after that.” 

“Your room is a bit of a mess right now, though,” Even can hear his dad swallow. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You were trying to find something Isak had once given you so you threw everything out from your wardrobe and bookshelf. Everything’s on the floor.” 

Even can’t remember any of that happening. It can’t be real. 

“We’ll help you clean everything, don’t worry,” his dad strokes his shoulder cautiously. He must also know this isn’t over yet. 

 

“You need to take the bandages off tomorrow the latest. It’s good to let the wounds breathe. Other than that, you just have to let them heal,” the nurse takes off her medical gloves and throws them into the trash. Even’s dad thanks her and helps Even stand up. They walk out of the room and meet Even’s mum, who is talking on the phone. She looks at Even’s dad questioningly. 

“Let’s not call Isak yet,” he says, squeezing Even against his side carefully. 

They walk out, Even tuning everyone out. His mind is screaming about the sandwiches again. He can’t feel, he can’t see, he can’t hear, he’s empty, he’s a robot, who will do whatever his mind tells him to do. He clutches his dad’s hand, trying to find reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a message after the [beep](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/) :)
> 
> There's now also a [tumblr post](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/post/157161036023/all-the-time-i-dream-of-you-wow-even-breathes) you can share :)


	3. Sunday 21:21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened while writing  
> Oh Wonder - Technicolour Beat  
> Hiatus - Fortune's fool

Even hears his parents talking behind his door. He’s wrapped in his duvet, in the dark, in the warm. They’re trying to come up with a way to ask if he’s hungry. They always know what to say, how to talk with him. But they also know they can’t really help Even, other than be there for him. 

He hasn’t talked much since yesterday, since he felt the fall. After that there has only been silence. He’s so tired after being high for three days that he doesn’t know if he can even open his mouth. Everything’s just heavy and dark. Hopeless, even. 

 

“Even?” His mum’s voice fills his room. Even though she’s talking very quietly, it still sounds too loud. 

“We’ve made some snacks,” she says, walking towards his bed, looking up to see if Even would react. 

“You need to eat, honey,” she comes closer and touches the duvet wrapped around Even. 

He knows he should get up, but he can’t make his legs or arms move. 

“We’re going to leave your door open, you can come when you want. We’re going to be here,” she says. He can hear his dad already leaving, how his footsteps thud lightly against the wooden floor. Then his mum is gone too, walking after his dad. 

 

Even’s phone buzzes. He knows that it’s Isak. He has been avoiding answering him, even though he has been reading all the messages. They’re filled with concern and love. Even knows Isak loves him, that he truly cares. But it still seems hard to wrap his head around it. He can’t understand why someone would love him. He’s just going to make everyone run away at some point, make them hate him. He’s so sure about it. 

“ **I love you,** ” the text says. 

“ **I also know you’re reading my texts. I want you to know that you’re loved. You’re not alone.** ”

“ **I’ll listen when you want to talk, I’m always here and you can tell me anything.** ”

 

Nothing happens in a while. Even stares at the screen of his phone, waiting. But nothing happens. He locks his phone, burying himself in his duvet again, leaving everyone and everything outside. Then it pings. 

“ **Lay down your slow.**  
Come settle down, settle down.  
Let loose your glow.  
Come settle down, settle down.  
And I feel life for the very first time.  
Love in my arms, and the sun in my eyes.  
I feel safe in the 5am light.  
You carry my fears as the heavens set fire.  
Jump into the heat, spinning on our feet.  
In a technicolour beat, you and me.  
Caught up in a dream, in a technicolour beat.”

Even reads the words again and again, repeating them to himself. 

“ **I love you,** ” Isak texts. 

 

“ **Tell me I'm fire, baby.**  
Tell me to open up.  
Shield my eyes, baby.  
They've seen so much.  
Tell me you're mine, baby.  
Tell me before I erupt.  
Burn up in the sky, baby.  
Become the dust.  
I can see no use in it.  
Ignoring your burning heart just to calm mine.  
It's such a waste of your time.  
But the view takes every waking thought.  
I have when daylight comes.  
To relieve the night.”  
I can see no use in it.  
Ignoring your heaving chest when you cry.  
It can't be good for your heart.  
If loving me means every tear.  
You make will burn your skin.  
As it leaves your eye.”

“ **I love you** ” Isak texts again. Even feels himself waiting for more. 

 

“ **Alls my life I has to fight.**  
Alls my life I, hard times like God.  
Bad trips like: "God!" Nazareth, I'm fucked up.  
Homie you fucked up.  
But if God got us we then gon' be alright.  
We gon' be alright.  
We gon' be alright.  
We gon' be alright.  
Do you hear me, do you feel me? We gon' be alright.  
We gon' be alright. Huh? We gon' be alright.  
We gon' be alright. Do you hear me, do you feel me?  
We gon' be alright.”

Even feels his mouth smiling, even though he doesn’t exactly feel happy or like smiling.

“ **I know, that wasn’t a great choice,** ” Isak texts, adding an emoji with its tongue out. 

 

“ **I once kneeled in shaking thrill.**  
I chase the memory of it still, of every chill.  
Chided by that silence of a hush sublime.  
Blind to the purpose of the brute divine.  
But you were mine.  
Staring in the blackness at some distant star.  
The thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are.  
To the wild and to the both of us.  
I confessed the longing I was dreaming of.  
Some better love, but there's no better love.  
Beckons above me and there's no better love.  
That ever has loved me, there's no better love.  
Darling, feel better love.  
Feel better love.  
And I've never loved a darker blue.  
Than the darkness I have known in you, own from you.  
You, whose heart would sing of anarchy.  
You would laugh at meanings, guarantees, so beautifully.  
When our truth is burned from history.  
By those who figured justice in fond memory, witness me.  
Like fire weeping from a cedar tree.  
Know that my love would burn with me.  
We'll live eternally.  
'Cause there's no better love.  
That beckons above me, there's no better love.  
That ever has loved me, there's no better love.  
So darling, feel better love.  
'Cause there's no better love.  
That's laid beside me, there's no better love.  
That justifies me, there's no better love.  
So darling, darling, feel better love.  
Feel better love.  
Feel better love.  
Feel better love.  
Feel better love.  
'Cause there's no better love.  
That beckons above me, there's no better love.  
That ever has loved me, there's no better love.  
So darling, feel better love.  
'Cause there's no better love.  
That's laid beside me, there's no better love.  
That justifies me, there's no better love.  
So darling, feel better love.  
Feel better love.”

 

Even sees that Isak is writing again. Even beats him to it and sends him a single heart. Isak stops writing, but he can definitely see Even’s reply. 

“ **Hi** ,” he says instead, not what he was originally about to say. 

“ _Hey_ ,” Even replies, his heart hammering in his chest. Not an uncomfortable hammering. It warms him, gives him a sense of safety. 

“ **How’re you feeling?** ”

“ _Tired_.”

“ **I was worried when your mum told me I can’t come see you…** ” Even knew it. He knew his mum had been texting with Isak. They’ve been texting before too, about some mundane things, like when would Isak come over for dinner again. Or if we could have a movie night together. They’ve been texting about nice things too, not only about Even. 

 

“ _I didn’t want you to see me like that_.”

“ **Nothing will scare me or push me away, Even. I love you.** ”

Even stares at the text, seeing Isak there, ‘online’. A virtual Isak next to Even on his bed. It feels cold like this. He wants to see Isak. He wants to talk face to face, not like this, through keyboards and iPhone screens. 

 

“ _Can you come over?_ ” 

“ **Of course, give me 15 and I’ll be there**.” Isak sent one more heart before he went offline.

 

Even throws his duvet off himself, feeling too warm already. He wants Isak here, but he’s also very nervous to see Isak walk through that door. He feels jumpy, but also very calm. 

He stumbles out from his bed, climbing the stairs down. He puts his phone into his pocket and walks quietly into the kitchen. His mum and dad are eating already, talking about some plans for winter holiday. He sees a plate on the table, on his place. It’s been filled with food. He’s not really hungry, but he knows his parents won’t let him leave if he hasn’t eaten at least something. Even’s dad acknowledges him by moving Even’s chair to give him space to sit on it. 

 

They don’t force him to talk with them. They already know how it goes. Even will talk when he feels like it and they’ll listen and try to help the best they can. They can’t force Even to open up. So, they keep talking about the winter holiday, if they should get a cabin from somewhere and go skiing or travel somewhere. 

Even pushes his food around the plate, thinking about today. This whole weekend. The past week. How he can’t remember parts of it. He wonders how much Isak knows about his episode. If his mum has told Isak about the things he did. He feels embarrassment lifting its head in his mind, but maybe he shouldn’t. It is what it is. He can’t change what has already happened. And this is part of him. He can’t change that. He can only get better. 

He thinks about his medication and how he’s struggling with it. He has been trying to find the right medication after he had to change it. The previous ones made him feel like he was dead inside, he was completely numb. These ones, which he has now, feel much better. They aren’t as strong as the previous ones and he knew to expect the high and the fall. He just has to get used to them. 

 

There’s a knock on the door. Even’s parents turn to look towards the sound, and then at Even. 

“Is it Isak?” Even nods and stands up. 

“We’re going to be in my room,” he tells them, walking away. He’s nervous and excited at the same time. His steps get slower the closer he gets to the door. He rests his hand on the door handle and takes a deep breath in. He opens the door, seeing Isak, just… _Isak_. He gives that small smile, which is _warm_ and _love_ and _life_ and _oxygen_. Even doesn’t know what his face looks like, if he looks entirely stupid, because Isak starts to smile a bit more. 

 

“Hi,” he silently says. Even lets him inside, not saying a word. 

“Should we…?” Isak opens his mouth, but Even takes his hand and leads Isak into his room. As soon as they’re in the dark, behind his closed door, Even wraps his arms around Isak. He breathes in the familiar smell of his boyfriend, which is the homiest smell in the world. He loves the way Isak smells of winter, a gentle waft of his shampoo and _Isak_. He can feel his eyes welling up with tears, not really knowing why. 

“I missed you so much,” Even whispers, but still his voice breaks. Isak hugs him a little tighter, just a little more closer. They stand like that, in the dark, silently swaying. Eventually Even lets go and Isak manages to take off his coat and shoes. He puts on a light in the corner of the room. He knows Even likes it and that it’s not a bright light. 

“I want to lie down,” Even says, clearing his throat. Isak takes Even’s hand and lets him climb into the bunk bed first. Isak follows him and wraps himself around Even like he could protect Even from everything bad in the world. 

 

“I missed you too,” Isak whispers when they’ve settled. He brushes Even’s hair from his eyes and strokes it behind his ear. His fingers touch Even’s face. His eyelashes, which flutter closed from being so tired and being so comfortable. His lips, which need some lip balm. His cheek, which feels warm under Isak’s fingertips. His brow, which furrows and then relaxes. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t let you come here before. Or that I didn’t text you. Or call you. Or didn’t come to you…” 

“Even, you don’t need to apologise. I understand.” Isak leans in, his lips kissing Even’s forehead. 

“I was just worried, that’s all.” 

Silence falls between them. It’s natural. Just them breathing in the small space between their bodies. 

 

“I didn’t know you listened to those songs?” Even decides to ask, to just get it out from his system. Isak always says how he listens to 90’s hip hop and how it makes him feel tough. 

“Ugh, it was Eskild… He was listening to something in my room while talking with someone on Grindr. I know, the Kendrick Lamar song didn’t really fit in…” 

“I like it,” Even says, remembering the rest of the lyrics. 

“I like the chorus,” he says, bringing his face closer to Isak’s like it could be possible. 

“Maybe you need to make me a playlist…” Even wonders out loud, thinking what songs would be there. He knows _Cherry Wine_ will definitely be there. Isak has grown to like it a lot. 

“Maybe I will,” Isak chuckles and buries his hand into Even’s hair under his hoodie. He breathes against Even’s skin and it tickles. 

 

“Did mum tell you?” Even already closes his eyes, ready to hear what Isak has to say about it all. Did he see the bruises on Even’s face? The darkened skin on his forehead under his hoodie? 

“About what?”

“About what happened on Friday?” He feels the words smothering him, deep in his throat. 

“She told me about how you were trying to go to Denmark on your bike, but that’s about it. You’re here now, it’s what matters to me.” 

“The police got me again,” Even admits, feeling like a criminal. 

“And they took me into the emergency room,” he opens his eyes, looking into Isak’s. 

“Why?” 

“I fell, and kind of hurt myself,” he feels so small in Isak’s arms. Isak’s brows scrunch together and for the first time he takes in Even’s appearance. He takes Even’s chin between his fingers and turns his face to see the side of his forehead. 

“Oh shit…” He breathes out, his hand stroking Even’s face even softer. 

“That’s a huge bruise,” he says, staring at the blue and purple spots on Even’s face. 

“Did you get bruises somewhere else?”

Even lifts his hand and pulls his sleeve up, showing his arm. It looks a lot better now, just bruised up. The wound has started to heal well. Isak breathes a long sigh, his eyes closing. 

 

“How did it happen?” 

“I can’t remember clearly… I fell with my bike, that’s what I know. At some point I was stumbling and then I was going again. But I was only wearing a shirt and jeans, so there’s that…” 

“What, why? It’s the beginning of February,” Isak looks incredulous. This is the part Even was afraid of. That look on Isak’s face. The one which is just telling Even that he’s not okay, that he’s not like everyone else. Isak deserves better. 

“I don’t remember,” Even mumbles, his eyes drifting away from Isak. They find a spot from the ceiling above the light. The lamp shade creates a pattern of round ziczac, like a mouth filled with light. 

 

“Hey,” Isak has his hand on Even’s cheek, turning Even to look at him. 

“Where did you go?” He rests his forehead against Even’s, his eyes still looking into his intently, wanting to hear what Even has to say. 

“I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to see you sad. And I know it’ll happen, only because of me.” Even closes his eyes. 

“I’m not good enough for you, I’ll just ruin everything…” His voice fades out. Isak doesn’t say anything in a while and Even starts to think that he said the right things. That Isak has been thinking about these too. That he should just let it go, just stop. But then Isak sighs and his nose touches Even’s. Slowly Even can feel Isak coming closer, until his lips are almost touching Even’s. They hover against Even’s lips, like a ghost. 

“We don’t know if we’re good enough for each other… I might not be good enough for you. But I want to try because…” Isak stops. His lips brush against Even’s, demanding him to open his eyes. And when Even does, he can see Isak there, with tears pooling in his eyes but with the brightest smile on his lips. He looks like the sun and the moon, like stars colliding and exploding and light and darkness. Everything mixed together and creating the most beautiful human in front of Even. 

“Because you make me so happy. You make me _me_. You, Even Bech Næsheim, make me be honest and open and so damn happy. And I want to make you happy, too, if you just let me.” He’s waiting for an answer even though he doesn’t need one. He wants to make Even happy, and to Isak it’s not a question.

Even nods. He’s afraid of what’s going to happen, what they’re going to face… But maybe they need to take the risk. The chance. 

 

“I lo…” Isak starts, but Even brings his hand up to his mouth, stifling the words back into Isak’s mouth. 

“I don’t want you to say it, not right now, not yet, not when I’m like this.” Even pulls his hand back. Isak still has his mouth open, like he could just blurt it out. 

“Like what?” A few wrinkles form on his forehead, when he pulls his brows together. 

“When I’m like… like this,” he gestures towards himself, towards his head. 

“But you’re you and I…” Isak holds on for a second, forcing his mouth to shut. 

“And I care about you, just as you are,” he finishes, his cheeks tinting pink in the dim light. 

“And I’ll wait,” he gives Even a crooked smile, which calms Even down. 

“Thank you,” Even breathes out, feeling himself relax. 

 

“I’ve said it to you many times over texts though, so have you? And you know that I do…” Isak wonders out loud, his fingers playing with Even’s hair. 

“But we still haven’t said it out loud…” 

“I see,” Isak comes a little closer, his lips against Even’s once again. He’s not kissing, just letting them rest against Even’s. He moves them, saying something, but there’s no sound. Still, Even knows what it is. 

_I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gently caress that kudos button or leave me a comment. I'm also on [tumblr](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/) , you can come and talk to me there :)
> 
> There's now also a [tumblr post](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/post/157161036023/all-the-time-i-dream-of-you-wow-even-breathes) you can share :)


	4. Thursday 21:21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to while writing  
> Jhene Aiko - Spotless Mind

Even is sitting on the floor, his back against Isak’s bed. Isak is doing some biology project, and he has been doing it for a couple of hours now. He hasn’t uttered a word and whenever Even has looked at him, Isak has looked so concentrated, that his eyes could’ve burned a hole to his laptop screen. Even wrote an English essay about Shakespeare and finished a long time ago. He just doesn’t want to disturb Isak. 

So, he’s drawing. He took a bunch of pages from his notebook, ripped them out and folded them together. He started to doodle on them, creating a new drawing on every page. He looks towards Isak, who is sitting opposite from Even. He has a pencil between his teeth, his brows scrunched together, while he’s looking for something from his textbook. Then he writes something, then he circles something from his textbook and then he’s twirling the pencil between his fingers while he keeps reading. He drops the pencil, writing something on his laptop again. His fingers move fast against the keyboard, typing and deleting something before he’s checking something from the book and writing again. 

Even smiles down at his doodles, the way he has drawn Isak’s pursed lips. They’re just quick sketches of his boyfriend deep in thought, while he’s doing his school assignment. 

 

“I’m going to get something to eat, you want anything?” Even asks quietly. He moves the small booklet closer to Isak, into his line of vision. 

“Mmmmm.” Isak probably didn’t even hear what Even asked, or then his brain didn’t register what Even meant.

“I’ll make something,” Even smiles while standing up. He moves quietly, opening the door and closing it behind himself, careful to not make any loud sounds. He can hear people talking in the kitchen, Eskild and Noora. 

 

“Oh, so now you’re thinking about Tinder?” Eskild sounds shocked. 

“No, no, no, no, no… You got it all wrong! I was just talking with Eva and we were going through her tinder. And there were some nice looking guys. I just still don’t believe in Tinder, it’s too superficial.” 

“Sometimes you can be a bit superficial, Noora. Please, have a bit of fun sometimes.” Eskild groans, when Even looks into the kitchen, seeing and meeting Noora’s gaze first. 

“Even!” She smiles instantly. 

“Hi,” he smiles and comes to sit with the two. 

“Where’s the hubby?” Eskild wiggles his brows, leaning towards Even. 

“Eskild!” Noora’s eyes bulge and she gives a warning look. Even feels his cheeks warming, and he chuckles. 

“He’s doing school things. What are you guys doing?” 

“Eskild thinks I need to go on dates while I just think that I need new flat mates, who aren’t as invested in my love life as this one right here,” Noora points towards Eskild, who wraps his hand around her finger. 

“You love it when I’m so invested in your love life,” Eskild winks at her, his bright smile making Even smile too. He’s looking at the two interact, like they’d be brother and sister. It’s just very comfortable around them, easy and fun. They always manage to make Even smile. 

 

“Have you heard from him, ahhh… What was his name again?” Even tries to find Noora’s ex boyfriend’s name from his head, but it just doesn’t come to his mind. Did it start with D? Or was it F? E? Edward? 

“William,” she smiles and wraps her hands around her tea mug. 

“We’ve been talking, but right now we’re just friends. He wants to be in London and I want to be here. I’ve finally started to feel like I’m living my own life again, that I’m doing things for myself. I think I needed that.”

Eskild smiles widely at what Noora says. 

“What?” She narrows her eyes, not impressed. 

“That’s a sign of you moving forward. And you know what will help you over William?” 

“Being alone,” Noora says, Eskild enthusiastically exclaiming, “getting some dick!” 

Even laughs out loud. Noora covers her eyes, but she’s smiling too. 

 

“You want anything? I don’t know what I should make, but I want to cook something…” Even walks over to the fridge and looks inside. Isak’s shelf doesn’t have a lot of things to work with, only some yoghurt and cheese, something in a container and Even doesn’t want to look inside. 

“Nothing for me, thanks,” Noora smiles lightly. 

“I might want something. But I haven’t done any shopping in a few days so I don’t know what I have in there,” Eskild comes to check his shelf, finding some swiss cheese and some meat and vegetables, fish… 

“Isak never buys the good stuff,” Eskild chuckles, taking out the cheese from his own shelf, but also from Isak’s. 

“Let’s make some cheese toasties, what do ya say?” 

“Sounds good!” Even helps Eskild prepare the bread, slicing cheese and sprinkling on some spices. Noora watches them work on the snacks, chuckling when Eskild talks about making the toasts like he’d have his own cooking show. 

 

“Do you have cardamom?” 

“Cardamom? I didn’t know you like cardamom on your toast?” Eskild looks a bit taken a back, and he gives a weird look in Even’s direction. Even just laughs it off. 

“Isak likes it and I’ve come to like it too, actually quite a bit.” Eskild gives him the spice and watches Even put it on his and Isak’s toasts. 

“Ready?” 

“Yeah.” 

They put them into the oven and sit back down with Noora. 

 

“How has it been going with you?” She asks Even, cradling her tea mug between her palms. It must’ve gone cold already, even though it looks like she still enjoys it. 

“Yeah, fine,” Even shrugs, not really knowing what he could say. What can you say? You’re still feeling shitty but, a bit better. Is he supposed to tell his medical history? Talk about the journal he keeps about his mood? 

“It’s good to hear,” she smiles, a caring smile, which makes his mind rest and not stress about it. She’s not prying, just asking a question from her friend. 

 

“Look who decided to join us!” Eskild spreads his arms out, like he’d want a hug from Isak. Instead Isak wraps his arms around Even’s shoulders from behind. 

“What are you guys doing?” He talks slowly, tiredly. Even turns his head to see Isak’s lazy smile. He’s resting his chin on Even’s shoulder, listening on as Noora and Eskild fill him in. 

“You hungry?” Even asks him, when Eskild starts to tease Noora about tinder again. 

“A bit, I can’t really stop thinking about biology now that I have so little to do anymore. But I wanted to come and see what you’re doing,” he smiles, leaning back to see Even’s face. His eyes are half shut, but not because he’d be tired. But because he has that heart melting look which just makes butterflies explode in Even’s stomach and sends shivers through his veins. 

“So, you did hear me?” Even smiles, teasing. 

“Of course I did! Who do you think I am, a savage?” Isak has an incredulous look on his face, but it fades into a grin, his lips falling against Even’s cheek. Just as Even is about to tangle his hand in Isak’s hair to kiss him properly, the oven beeps. 

“The toast!” Eskild jumps up, shushing Noora as she was saying something about not wanting a one night thing with a stranger and that Eskild should just accept it. 

 

“I used your favourite spice,” Even unwraps himself from Isak’s arms and stands up. 

“What? What is my favourite spice? I didn’t even know I have one,” Isak takes Even’s place by the table, while Even brings him a plate. 

“What is it then?” He asks, looking at the plate in front of him. 

“You can have my seat,” Noora tells Even, standing up. Even thanks her silently, she smiles back. 

“You have to taste it!” 

Isak looks at him, a bit suspiciously. Maybe he’s expecting the worst, bracing himself for a chili explosion. But when he takes a bit, his face lights up. 

“ _Cardamom!_ ” He talks with his mouth full, taking another bite. 

“I don’t understand you two,” Eskild sits down with them, eating his own toast. He’s texting someone, and doesn’t see the way Even teases Isak about how his face turned from questioning to amazed. Isak kicks him gently under the table, lifting his brows the way Even does it. They giggle with their mouths full, while their legs entwine under the table. 

 

“Do you want me to stay?” Even asks Isak when they’ve eaten and walking back into Isak’s room. 

“Of course I want you to stay,” Isak gives Even a weird look; a mix of worry, a bit scared and a bit hurt. 

“I was just thinking if you want to do your assignment in peace… I don’t mind, I can go.” Isak’s face smooths as soon as Even has opened his mouth. 

“I want you to stay,” he repeats. 

“I don’t have much to do anymore, just a bit of tweaking.” 

 

Even wraps his arms around Isak when they reach his door and walk in. 

“Do you have anything you need to do?” Isak asks him. Even gives the back of his neck a kiss, before he lets go and watches his boyfriend walk to his spot next to the wall, where his books and notes are scattered, his computer still on. 

“No, nothing, and I’m too tired to even do anything anymore,” he sits on Isak’s bed, seeing the small booklet he drew in before. Isak hasn’t touched it. It’s still in the same place, the same way Even left it before. 

“Okay, well, I’ll be finished soon. Make yourself busy,” Isak looks up from his book, smiles gently, and then drowns himself into biological terms and what not. 

 

Even feels a bit disappointed that Isak hadn’t seen the drawings. He kind of wished he would’ve, that he would’ve said something. The first time Isak came to Even’s, he saw the drawings on his wall and complimented them. Then Even drew about them being in a different universe, and he at least thinks Isak liked them. Even is always drawing some doodles about Isak, even though he hasn’t shared them with his muse. 

He falls backwards, his legs still against the floor. He listens to Isak writing on his computer, the silent tapping his keyboard makes while he hits every letter. The sound is almost like listening to a clock ticking. It makes Even’s eyes heavy and his mind go blank. He lets his eyes fall shut, while his mind slowly drifts away. 

 

“Even?” He can feel a weight on top of him, whispering in his ear. He opens his eyes to see Isak straddling his lap. His hands are stroking Even’s hair and neck. Even smiles up at him. Isak kisses his lips gently, taking a breath in when he feels Even’s hands moving to his thighs. 

“What’s the time?” Even asks groggily, his voice rough. 

“Almost two,” Isak smiles weakly. 

“Two? You said you’d be done soon,” Even brushes his hair with his fingers. 

“I know, but then I remembered that I should also write a practical example and then I just got carried away and suddenly it was already two,” he sighs, almost yawns the words out. 

“But I finished it,” he smiles. 

“I’m proud of you,” Even tugs Isak for another kiss. 

 

“You didn’t take your drawings back earlier,” Isak takes the small booklet from the bed and places it on Even’s chest. It feels heavy there, knowing that Isak didn’t even look at them. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Even sighs. 

“Oh,” Isak looks a bit disappointed. He looks down and bites his lip. 

“Okay,” he moves away from Even and up from the bed. He starts to rummage through his drawer to find something to wear over the night. Even sits up, the booklet opening. He has to blink for a few times to make sure he sees right. 

 

Small, cloud like bubbles has been drawn over the cartoon-Isak’s head. In every picture, there’s a new thought, scribbled carefully. 

 

_Hmmmmm, I’m so fed up with this biology bullshit._

_What is Even doing?_

_Maybe I should take a peek. *takes a peek* Yes! He didn’t see, for once._

_Okay, biology…_

_Even, does he like biology?_

_No, I have to focus! Get it together Isak!_

_Ughhhh, I’m so done!_

_Maybe Even wants to do something else… Should I ask?_

_*Peeks at Even* Nope, he’s drawing._

_What’s he drawing?_

_Maybe I should still ask?_

_Nope, still drawing! Maybe he’s drawing dirty pictures…_

 

Even lets out a high chuckle, slapping his palm against his mouth. 

 

_He wouldn’t do those kinds of drawings. Would he? Maybe I need to find out._

_Speaking of dirty… I might do something dirty if he doesn’t stop staring at me while I’m trying to do this very important thing._

_Fuck this shit, I give up, Even please, give me something else to think about!_

 

“What’s so funny?” Isak sits on the bed, asking innocently.

“You…” Even waves the booklet in his hand, a laugh escaping his mouth. 

“You looked at these!” 

“No, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Isak looks away, doing something on his phone. But Even can see the way he’s trying to hold in the smile. Of course he fails, but also, his cheeks get a cute little blush, which creeps down his neck. 

 

“You know what I’m talking about,” Even purrs, getting on his knees on the bed and wraps his arms around Isak. He starts to laugh when Even makes him fall on his back. Even sits on top of Isak, his hands on either side of Isak’s head. 

“I might have some dirty drawings of you,” he whispers into Isak’s ear, his lips kissing the sensitive skin of Isak’s neck. 

Isak snickers, his arms linking behind Even’s neck. He topples over onto his side, his leg still over Isak’s hip. 

“I want to see these drawings,” Isak warns him, his hand drawing a line from Even’s neck down to his hip, and under his shirt. 

“Maybe someday…” Even plays innocent. Isak squeezes his side, making him squirm with the tingling feeling. 

“I’ll show you ‘someday’,” Isak giggles, moving closer until his head is against Even’s. 

“But I’m too tired now,” he sighs. Even can feel him closing his eyes, his lashes fluttering against Even’s cheek. He wraps his arm around Isak and nuzzles closer. 

“Thanks for the drawings,” Isak mumbles. He holds onto Even tightly, seeking warmth from his body. Even smiles at that, hearing Isak’s breathing slowing down as he falls asleep. Even stays awake for a little while longer, though, thinking about how he should let Isak narrate all his drawings from now on. And then sleep catches him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to talk to you, so leave me a comment or find me on [tumblr](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/) :)
> 
> There's now also a [tumblr post](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/post/157161036023/all-the-time-i-dream-of-you-wow-even-breathes) you can share :)


	5. Saturday 21:21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to while writing  
> Frank Ocean - Self Control  
> Miguel - Flesh  
> Ganes - My Only One

“Where are we going?” Even laughs out loud. Isak holds him tightly against his side, guiding him forward. 

“You’ll see soon enough, just be patient,” Isak says quietly into his ear. 

“Can you wait here for just a moment, don’t move.” 

 

Even doesn’t have a chance to say anything, before Isak has already left his side. Even stands there, his hands flailing hopelessly in front of him. There’s an odd feeling of losing balance, when he can’t see anything. Isak covered his eyes with a scarf, which he had taken from Even’s room. That’s the thing… There’s something going on and it’s making him nervous and excited in such a great way, that he feels jittery and a bit insecure, but still so amazing. 

He had found Isak from his room earlier tonight. He was casually leaning against the ladder to his bunk bed, looking innocent and soft and so, so, _so_ beautiful. Even wasn’t really expecting to see Isak tonight, since Isak had told Even he’s going to some party with Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus. He asked if Even would like to come there too, but he wasn’t really feeling like he’d want to hang around at some party. Not because he’d feel down, because he has been feeling quite good in the past week. His meds have been working well and he feels hopeful. And now he’s actually in a good place. He can think about the things, which make his mind go into dark places. He can explore the darkest corners of his mind, and not fall into their lies. He’s taking it day by day, and enjoying it. 

 

“Okay, you ready?” Even hears Isak’s voice, and his hands land on Even’s shoulders. 

“Ready for what?” 

Isak giggles, but then walks Even forward just a bit. 

“For a surprise…” Even can feel Isak’s cheek against his own, his words lingering in the air. 

“Look, Isak, I’m cold! Why are you making me stand outside when I’m also blindfolded? It doesn’t make any sense…” Even is about to go on with his small rant about how he’d much rather be in his or Isak’s bed, under a duvet, because it’s warm and comfortable. 

He wanted to do that before Isak gave a mischievous look to him, told him to put on shoes and jacket because “they were going for an adventure”. Even had just stared at Isak, not knowing what to do other than just do what he was told. Isak gave him a backpack, told him to put it on his back and then he was already covering Even’s eyes. And then they were out the door. Even just heard his parents telling them to have a fun night, from the distance, before the door to his home closed. 

 

“There’s a few steps,” Isak warns Even, telling him when to lift his legs so he wouldn’t stumble. 

“Step,” he says and Even takes a step. But there isn’t one. He still can’t see, and the feeling of falling is so strong that a small screech leaves his mouth. Then he feels solid ground under his foot and he sighs in relief. 

“Why would you do that?!” He exclaims, his hands holding Isak’s, almost crushing them. He doesn’t hear anything from Isak in a while, but he feels Isak’s hands shuddering. Soon enough he understands why Isak isn’t answering. 

“Sorry, I just had to,” Isak tries to take breaths between his voiceless laughter. 

“I know you’re laughing,” Even wants to roll his eyes so bad. Isak lets out a breath, before he’s laughing again. This time his voice echoes against the walls of this adventurous place. 

 

“Very funny… What if I’d do that to you sometime?” Even isn’t feeling that amused, his heart still pounding in his chest uncomfortably. Isak lets go of his hands and moves them to Even’s waist, pressing himself against Even. 

“Sorry, I won’t do it again, I promise,” he talks quietly. He kisses Even on the corner of his mouth and Even feels how his lips are still curled upwards. 

“But you have to admit that you sounded like a small animal when you screamed,” Isak giggles, his lips still attached to Even’s mouth. He giggles against Even’s chin and then he bows his head down. Even has his chin on top of Isak’s head and Isak wraps his arms around Even a bit more tightly. Even can’t hide his smile anymore. He has to admit that it was a bit funny even though it might have been scary to him. But for Isak, it must’ve looked hilarious.

“You and your small animals…” Even sighs, his hands lifting up to hug Isak back.

“You are my small animal,” Isak’s lips find Even’s again and he can’t stop smiling. 

“But what animal am I?” Even mumbles against the kiss.

“Mmm…” Isak pecks his lower lip a couple of times before he’s gone again. 

“I’ll know after this evening.” 

Even can hear Isak opening a door. His keys rattle inside a lock and then a door opens. 

“After tonight? Are you going to do something to me that I’ll squeal like a little pig?” 

Isak laughs again, not hiding it this time around. He takes Even’s hand in his and walks him where ever they’re going. 

“I don’t know if you’ll squeal, but we’ll see…” he only answers, leaving Even hanging. 

“You can’t do this to me! What are you doing?! What’s happening?!” Even can’t take it anymore. 

 

He stands on his own, listening to Isak giggle and whisper something to someone. 

“Isak!” Even’s voice breaks. 

“This isn’t fair!” Another broken plea. 

Immediately he can feel Isak’s hands in his. 

“Calm down, I’m not going to cook you if that’s what you’re thinking.” Even can hear the amusement dripping from Isak’s voice. 

“You can drop your backpack now,” Isak instructs, his hands helping Even ease the shoulder straps off him. The bag drops on the floor with a thud. Isak starts to peel Even’s coat off him and then his shoes. Even balances himself against Isak’s shoulder, while he’s kneeling in front of Even. 

 

“Ready?” Isak asks him, when Even hears his shoes being put away. He takes Isak’s hand and holds it with both of his. He can feel someone walking past him, a small breeze tingling his face, or the part which is uncovered. 

“Who was that?” Even asks, and hears stifled snickers behind him. Then the door opens and closes again, just like that. Like a ghost would be playing with him. 

“Stand still,” Isak peels Even’s hands from around his and then he’s gone again. 

Even feels like he’s somewhere he knows. The smell of this place is familiar, homey. Isak’s? It’s warm and a sweet smell surrounds him. There’s music floating in the air from somewhere, making him smile. He knows Isak likes this song, the lyrics. They’ve listened to it before, at Even’s. He was the one who introduced the song to Isak, who nodded his head to it the first time they listened to it. He said it was okay, but not really his style. Isak always says that he doesn’t listen to the song when he’s on his own. But Even knows he’s lying, because when Isak isn’t paying attention or he thinks Even doesn’t notice, he’s mouthing the words. 

 

He’s so lost in listening to the song that he doesn’t hear Isak sneaking behind him. He lets out another high squeal, when Isak’s arms wrap around his waist from behind. 

“I really need to scare you more often and then record that sound,” Isak says and laughs against Even’s back. 

“Shush, nothing happened, I didn’t make any sounds, you’re just imagining it,” Even feels like giggling. The moment is too surreal, like from a corny romantic movie. Straight from _Notting Hill_ or something. 

“Okay, whatever you say… Bunny,” Isak presses his face tighter against the back of Even’s neck, trying not to laugh so much as he’d like. 

“Bunny?” 

“Mmhmm,” Isak mumbles, his hands flat against Even’s stomach. 

“Maybe I should keep you blindfolded for the whole night…” He wonders out loud. For the first time in a while Even remembers he can’t actually see anything. That he’s still without his sight. How the hell did he forget that?! He got too comfortable… Though maybe he’d like to be blindfolded for the whole night too… He wouldn’t mind, it could be fun. 

 

Isak’s hands move upwards, pulling back and towards Even’s head. He can feel Isak’s fingers fiddling with the scarf. Slowly he loosens it, until he pulls it off. There’s a silence and Even is pretty sure Isak’s holding his breath. 

“Well?” Isak asks, a bit anxious. 

“I can open my eyes now?” Even asks. He thought Isak was going to tell him something in the lines of ‘now you can open your eyes’, while planting a kiss on the back of his neck.

“You don’t even have your eyes open!” Isak’s clearly frustrated. What’s his problem?

“No, I thought you’d tell me when to open them,” Even shakes his head, his hands combing through his hair to get it at least somehow fixed. 

“Open them!” Isak whines somewhere a bit further away. Even smiles, but keeps it to himself. He takes a breath in before he peeks his eyes open. 

 

There’s candles. Just… candles everywhere. Their warm light makes everything a bit dreamy, hazy even. There’s a banner on the wall with ‘Happy 20th birthday, Even’ written with pretty hand writing (and Even knows it’s not Isak’s hand writing, maybe Noora or Linn’s). There’s a bottle of sparkling wine on the floor in a bucket, with two glasses. There’s pillows and blankets on the floor. 

Just magical. 

 

Even turns around to face Isak, who is blushing fiercely. He’s leaning to the living room wall, twisting his fingers together. He looks so nervous, almost as if he’d be uncertain if Even would like this. Like Even could just yell at him for doing this and then run out. 

He’s wearing a smart looking button down shirt. It’s black and Isak looks sinfully good in it. He has his tightest jeans on and damn, Even would want to rip them off him right at this second. His hair looks soft and almost like he would’ve spent a bit of time styling it. Of course Isak would deny it immediately, but Even can see the truth right in front of him. His boyfriend has made a lot of effort to make this evening happen. 

Isak looks like he’s holding his breath. His eyes are wide like he’d be a deer caught in the headlights. And he doesn’t know where to go or where to look or what to do. He stands there, nervous, anxious, waiting for Even’s reaction. So, he decides to end Isak’s torture. 

 

“This…” Even walks closer slowly, almost afraid he’s going to make Isak run away, even though Isak is seeing the moment a bit differently. When Even reaches him, his palms cup Isak’s face gently, making him look at Even in the eyes. 

“Is perfect,” Even presses his forehead against Isak’s and closes his eyes. 

“You like it?” Isak sounds so unsure. His voice makes Even look at him again, eyeing him seriously to make his point. 

“I love it, Isak. No one has ever done something like this to me, ever. You’re the first one.”

The anxiety and nervousness crumbles from Isak’s face and they’re replaced with a soft smile. Even might have to pinch himself at some point; he’s not really sure if he’s dreaming or not. 

 

“I just wasn’t sure if you want to celebrate your birthday so…” Isak’s fingers play with the hem of Even’s shirt. His blush is starting to fade and he’s looking more comfortable already. 

“How did you know that it’s my birthday tomorrow?” Even might have a clue. 

“Your mum asked me if we’re going to do anything special. Of course I didn’t know when you have your birthday.” Isak gives him a pointed look, which makes Even snicker. 

“Because you hadn’t told me about it, I thought it might be better if we spend it just the two of us rather than me throwing a surprise party with lots of people,” Isak slowly brings his hands up to Even’s neck, Even’s hands on the small of his back. They’re so close together that Even can feel the heat Isak’s body radiates and it melts Even’s insides into happiness. 

“This is perfect,” Even leans his forehead against Isak’s shoulder. Isak knows him so well; he’s so in tune with Even and Even is so in tune with Isak. Almost like Isak would’ve been able to read Even’s mind about him not wanting a big party. Well, maybe it wasn’t that hard to figure out since Even has been silent about his special day. He’s kind of expecting Isak to ask something more, but when Isak loosens his hold of Even, he’s not faced with a questioning look on Isak’s face. 

 

“I’ve made us dinner,” he smiles, leading Even towards the centre of the room, where the cloud of pillows and blankets lay. 

“Sit here and I’ll be right back,” he instructs. Even watches him rush out of the living room, making himself comfortable. He takes the sparkling wine from the bucket, wiping the bottle with the sleeve of his shirt, inspecting the alcohol. It’s still cold, thanks to the ice in the bucket. Even can’t really understand why or how Isak saw the trouble to do this all. It seems too much, but at the same time it’s the most amazing gift ever. He wouldn’t have asked anything else. 

Isak comes back with two plates in his hands. He hands the other one to Even, and to his surprise he finds chips from his plate.

“Is this all?” He frowns, but then he sees what Isak’s plate holds. There’s four neatly stacked mini hamburgers, which look homemade and delicious. 

“Is this okay?” Isak asks, unsure of his decision of dinner again. 

“Yes!” Even looks at the food hungrily, just as his stomach rumbles. Isak smiles and sets the plate between the two. They sit, facing each other, cross legged and their knees are almost touching. 

“Though I have to ask…” Isak looks at him with his brows raised, waiting for whatever Even is about to ask. 

“Did you cook these alone?” They both know Isak’s not that great in the kitchen and this seems like he has spent hours making this cute looking dinner. 

“Haha…” Isak tilts his head to the side, an amused frown on his face. He doesn’t say anything else, but only because they’re taking their first bites. And that’s when Even dies and goes to food heaven. He can’t believe Isak has made…

“Noora,” Isak admits, cheeks pink, and a content smile on his face. 

“I knew it!” Even exclaims with his mouth half full. He swallows quickly so he can laugh. 

“C’mon, did you really think I made these?” Isak asks, taking another bite. Some mayo sticks to his lower lip. Even catches it with his finger and sucks it clean. Isak looks at him, admiringly, maybe also a bit turned on. 

“I thought you had hid some major cooking talents from me.” 

“With my ‘cooking talents’,” Isak wiggles the fingers of his left hand in the air, “you would’ve gotten burned buns, different sized slices of tomato and onion, too much cheese, raw meat and probably also some spice which just wouldn’t work with everything else. But I did help her!” Isak smiles at Even, who is laughing wholeheartedly. 

 

They eat in silence for a moment, enjoying the dinner and just being there together. Even hears the song come to an end and expects to hear the next song, but there’s no next song. The same one starts again and echoes softly in the apartment. 

“You really love this song,” Even points out while taking his second burger. 

“I forgot to take it off from repeat,” Isak mutters. 

“I know you like Frank Ocean, so it’s all for you,” he looks up shyly, but then looks away when he meets Even’s sight, towards the chips and takes one. 

“But this one’s okay,” Isak then mumbles, stuffing another french fry into his mouth. Even smiles to himself, humming along to the song. Isak _really_ loves this one. 

 

“Were Eskild and Linn and Noora still here when we came here?” Even directs the conversation away from Frank Ocean. He can’t really understand why Isak gets so shy about the music he likes or doesn’t want to admit how much he likes some songs. Maybe he has to dig a bit deeper. 

“Yeah, they lit all the candles and made sure everything was ready,” Isak chuckles. 

“Of course, the candles,” Even chuckles too, the conversation dying out. 

 

They finish the burgers, and it’s just enough to make Even tired, but not too tired. He lays down on the floor, content of what tonight has been so far. Isak goes somewhere, but Even closes his eyes, just enjoying himself. He could lay here forever, on these pillows, just listen to good music and wonder how nice his boyfriend is. This is life, this right here. This feeling of living to the fullest, being able to be himself, with a person he cares the most about right now. 

He hears Isak walking back in, really slowly. 

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have the greatest singing voice…” He talks slowly, quietly, focusing on something else. The sound of his voice makes Even open his eyes to see Isak, carrying a cake. A delicious looking chocolate cake. 

“Wow,” Even breathes out, chuckling. He sits up just when Isak sets it down on the floor. There’s five candles, which burn slowly. 

“I also know that you aren’t turning five. If you were, this right here…” Isak points at himself and then at Even, “Would be completely illegal.” He smiles, his eyes glinting in the candle light. His joke makes Even laugh out loud, but he can’t take his eyes off the cake. With shaky handwriting, his name has been written with white chocolate over the frosting. And it looks a lot like Isak’s. He gazes at Isak, seeing his nervous eyes and blushed cheeks. 

 

“Did you bake this?” Even touches the cake with his finger, catching some of the frosting. He sucks it into his mouth, the sweetest taste exploding against his taste buds. Isak swallows and Even is quite sure he doesn’t know he’s biting his lower lip. 

“Noora wasn’t able to do everything…” He mumbles, looking up towards Even under his lashes. Even feels so warm, he’d like to throw his clothes off. This is one of the best nights of his life. 

“Do you want some of the sparkling wine? I have another bottle in the fridge, if we like it.” Even doesn’t understand why Isak is so unsure about everything. It’s impossible not to impress Even with everything he has done tonight and he should be happy, enjoying everything with Even. Not being nervous, like he would’ve done something wrong. 

 

“I’d love some!” Even tries to encourage. He doesn’t want to see Isak like he’d be ready to be executed and this’d be his final wish. Isak nods and takes the bottle from the bucket. 

“Is it going to pop?” Even asks, his brows lifting up. Isak looks at him and then at the bottle. This is not something he thought about before. 

“Oh fuck,” he whispers, his hands almost shaking when he unwraps the foil off. And there it is, the cork. 

“Have you done this before?” 

“No, can’t say I have.” He looks at the bottle and then takes a determinate breath. Even can feel himself smile wider and wider, the more Isak gets the cork off. Slowly it rises, rises, rises… 

POP! 

 

Isak lets out a surprised shriek, the alcohol gushing out in a stream of bubbles. It wets his hands and clothes, making a small puddle on the floor. Even does what first comes to his mind and he lifts the bottle to his lips. Isak is still holding it, when Even catches the last of the bubbling drink. He’s looking up towards Isak, with hollowed cheeks, letting his lips pop when he swallows. Isak’s eyes widen, a dashing grin sparkling on his face. He giggles, Even taking Isak’s hand into his and licking his fingers clean too. He leans forward, his lips catching Isak’s in a deep kiss. He can feel Isak smiling, when his other hand wraps around the back of Even’s head. 

“Make a wish,” Isak whispers, when Even lets the kiss fade into closed eyes and cheeks against each other’s. He remembers the cake, his eyes landing on the small candles. He looks up towards Isak, a mischievous grin on his lips. His hand touches Isak’s. The contact is electric, with so much promise and hope. 

He blows the candles out, small streams of smoke floating up. 

“Thank you,” Even feels like he’s thanking Isak for the tenth time but he doesn’t really care.

Isak pecks his lips and his eyes close as he smiles. This is the face Even likes to see. The real happiness, which he so much loves in Isak. The innocent hope, which keeps him afloat. 

 

Isak pours full glasses of sparkling wine, and they clink them together. Isak cuts Even a piece of cake, but Even doesn’t really feel like having his own piece. He steals bites from Isak’s plate, forgetting he has cake on his own plate too. Isak doesn’t mind though. He giggles, when Even comes closer and his hands are on Isak’s upper thighs. 

“I wish this moment would last forever,” Even says into Isak’s neck, smearing some of the frosting from his fingers on Isak’s cheek. 

“Heeey!” Isak yells, but Even catches his hand before Isak can wipe it off himself. Even kisses Isak’s cheek, licking the icing off his skin, with small kitten licks. Isak keeps giggling, his hands wanting more. They travel closer to Even, under his shirt, up and down his torso. 

Even has to stop his sweet torture, because he doesn’t want this to end yet. He doesn’t want to end up in bed just yet. He wants to relish this moment, here, with Isak, this surprise. 

 

They finish the whole cake. It’s not that big, so it’s not much of a job. They keep drinking the alcohol and Isak gets the other bottle, already a master at popping the cork. They pour the drink into their glasses, clinking them together every time they’ve refilled them. A nice buzz vibrates in Even’s body and he feels warm all over. And not only because of the alcohol. But also because of Isak, who is pressing himself against Even. His hand is wrapped around Even’s neck and he keeps nuzzling his face into Even’s skin, pressing small, barely there kisses with his sugary lips. 

They finish the second bottle, and Even knows he’s a bit too drunk. But who cares! This night is amazing and he’s with the best person in the world. 

“I need to go to the toilet, can you put out the candles?” Even asks and Isak already know what it means. He only nods, scrambling up from the floor, swaying a little. Even feels his own steps wavering, but he still smiles, still giggles when he almost walks against the door. 

 

The living room is already dark when he walks back from the toilet. Also, the music has been turned off, which makes the whole apartment eerily quiet. There’s a small streak of light shining from Isak’s room. He opens the door carefully, finding Isak on his bed, laying on his back. He has closed his eyes, but he’s smiling. 

Even straddles him, almost scaring Isak, but when he opens his eyes, Isak looks calm and his hands land on Even’s thighs. 

“What are you thinking about?” Even asks, leaning down, kissing Isak’s neck. 

“You,” Isak sighs, his hands already travelling up to Even’s hips. His fingertips make circles on his skin under his shirt and they feel hot against Even’s skin. 

“I’m thinking about you too,” Even says between kisses, his words slurring together slightly. Even leans back to meet Isak’s hooded gaze. He smirks lopsidedly, his hair curling cutely off his forehead. He looks like an angel with a halo around his head. 

“I didn’t really get you other presents,” Isak mumbles. His hands try to pull Even closer from the beltloops on his jeans. Even’s hands travel up and down Isak’s front, from his shoulders to his stomach. He slowly inches his shirt higher, revealing Isak’s skin inch by inch. 

“This is enough,” Even leans closer, his hand steadying himself next to Isak’s head. Isak stares at him, almost like Even would be a miracle on earth. 

“You’re enough,” Even’s voice lowers, his lips haunting against Isak’s. He can feel Isak’s breath shuddering out of him in a silent gasp. He only nods, his hands moving up towards Even’s neck, to pull him closer so he can finally kiss Even properly. And boy does he kiss Even. Isak’s touch makes Even melt in his embrace. Isak is soft and demanding, fire and electricity. He bites Even’s lower lip gently, just enough to make Even forget his own name. Isak asks with his tongue, licking Even’s lips before touching his own, enough to make Even’s stomach drop and send jolts of desire through his bones. 

 

Even’s muscles shiver. He wants more, so much more. And here he is, with _Isak_ , and he wants too much. It hurts. And it excites. And it makes him nervous. And it makes him yearn for Isak to touch him and whisper things into his ear. And he wants to hear Isak moan out his name, slow and low. He wants to see Isak’s eyes screwing shut from pleasure. 

Isak’s hands are no longer on his neck, Even realises. He can feel them slowly going down, rounding to his front, slowly fumbling with the button of his jeans. Even lets Isak open his jeans and just as he’s about to do something more, Even grabs his hands with his own. He detaches his lips from Isak’s, facing a confused look. 

“You don’t want?” Isak asks, his mouth moving slowly. Even’s lips quirk up into a sly smile, his hands lifting Isak’s atop of his head on the bed. He holds them down from the wrists, his other hand pulling Isak’s shirt slowly upwards. 

“I do, but let’s just take it slowly, okay?” 

Isak’s eyes sparkle, they look almost glassy. He nods and answers Even’s smile. Even lets go of Isak’s hands, which come to rest on Even’s neck again. He pulls Even closer, kissing him deeply. Even closes his eyes, breathing in Isak, who fills his senses. 

\- -

Darkness has filled the room. Isak has his head on Even’s chest, his hand drawing mindless doodles on Even’s skin. Even can feel Isak’s eyelashes fluttering against his skin, thinking the younger boy is about to fall asleep. But he’s not. He props his chin up with his hands, watching Even. The orange streetlight outside falls on Isak’s profile, his skin soft and pale. Even brushes his hair from his forehead, his fingers resting on the back of Isak’s neck. He plays with the shorter hair there, tangling his fingers into the softness of Isak’s curls. 

“Happy birthday,” Isak mumbles, his words lingering in the air between them. Even chuckles, his voice vibrating in Isak’s body. Isak doesn’t say anything, only stares at Even. He licks his lips, closing his eyes, almost like gathering his courage. 

 

“What are you thinking about?” Even asks quietly, seeing Isak’s features stiffen with nervousness. Even brings his other hand to smooth the lines from his forehead with his thumb, stroking Isak’s cheek. Isak opens his eyes, wide and anxious.

“Can I ask you something?” Isak’s voice sounds hoarse, and he clears it, swallowing thickly. Even nods, feeling his own nerves building up. 

“I was just thinking why you hadn’t told me it’s your birthday… Didn’t you want to celebrate it? At least with me?” The words make Even look up towards the ceiling. He breathes deep, thinking why he didn’t tell Isak. He doesn’t really know, and he knows so well at the same time. 

“I didn’t want anyone to put any effort into hosting a party for me… I just didn’t feel like I should celebrate something, it’s just a number. it doesn’t really matter to me. Life goes on, no matter how old you are. It just… Is…” He feels Isak’s hand on his neck, his fingertips carefully and gently caressing the skin over his pulse point. 

“But what you did tonight, I loved every second of it,” Even smiles and looks Isak in the eyes. 

“I was nervous you’d leave,” Isak admits, a grim smile on his lips. 

“I would’ve been stupid if I would’ve left.” 

 

“Even…” 

“Hmmm?” Isak lays his head back against Even’s chest, his ear hearing every beat Even’s heart takes. 

“I’ll make the effort, no matter what, no matter what you say. Even though it’s just a number, you still get to celebrate it. You should celebrate it. It means that you’re here, living, seeing the effort yourself.” 

Isak must hear how Even’s heart picks up its pace. He knows what’s coming. He has been waiting for it. And this time he’s not going to stop Isak. 

“You know I love you,” he whispers so quietly Even almost misses it. But he doesn’t. He replays the sound in his head, Isak’s voice, and closes his eyes. Isak lifts his head back up and comes to lay right next to Even. His nose touches Even’s cheek and when Even opens his eyes to meet Isak’s gaze, he looks unsure. But relieved. Even turns to his side, his forehead against Isak’s. 

“And I love you,” he whispers, unable to close his eyes. He only stares at Isak, wanting to see how his eyes light up and burn with the meaning. Isak’s hand tangles in Even’s hair, his lips pressing against Even’s, roughly, but then sweet and caring, slowly loving Even to oblivion. Even can only remotely feel Isak climbing on top of him, his thighs tightly against Even’s sides. He can feel his own hands on Isak’s skin, warm and needy. Isak smiles with his whole being, melting into Even’s arms, whispering _I love you_ between every kiss and caress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop woop, leave a comment, kudos or send me a message on [tumblr](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/) :)
> 
> There's now also a [tumblr post](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/post/157161036023/all-the-time-i-dream-of-you-wow-even-breathes) you can share :)


	6. Tuesday 21:21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to while writing  
> The Weekend, Ed Sheeran - Dark Times  
> Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky - Swan Lake, Op.20, Act IV: 29. Finale  
> Steve Fisk & Benjamin Gibbard - Overture

Isak sighs, his whole body relaxing against Even’s. 

“I’m so bored!” He whines, his hand clutching Even’s shirt. 

“What do you want to do?” Even would be happy to just lay here. He has had this uneasy feeling for the past week, after his birthday party. He just feels like something is happening but it’s not mania. It’s just something… Everything has been going so great. He has been hanging at Isak’s and Isak has been hanging at his. They’ve watched movies and made dinner and gone out on dates and the sex isn’t just sex anymore, it’s _love making_. Even smiles to himself, so content with everything. But still… There’s that uneasy feeling. 

Isak leans against Even and sits up. He looks like he’d have a very itchy shirt on. He has a worry line on his forehead and he’s breathing too rapidly. 

“What’s going on?” Even leans on his elbows, worry settling in his chest. 

“I don’t know!” Isak throws his hands in the air, and stands up. He starts to pace across the room, trying to catch his breath. 

“I need to do something! Just anything! Give me something to do!” He says exasperatedly, looking up towards the ceiling and tries to get himself to cry. 

“Isak, come here, it’s okay,” Even looks at Isak, not really knowing what he could do to make Isak feel better. 

“No! I don’t want to be in bed! _I want to do something_!”

“What do you want to do?” Even sits up. His skin crawls with shivers, asking him to do something too. 

“We haven’t fought! Let’s fight about something, anything!” Isak is almost frantic with his words, his eyes wide. He’s practically shaking. 

“No, I’m not going to fight with you,” Even shakes his head. He walks over to his boyfriend, his hands landing on Isak’s shoulders. 

“What’s this really about?” He asks, voice stern, staring Isak right in the eyes. He looks desperate. 

“I don’t know! I just need to do something, we need to do something!” He stares at Even, breathing in and then out, letting all the air flow from his lungs. He closes his eyes, rolling his lips together. 

“I don’t know… I’m just restless,” Isak leans against Even, his arms wrapping around Even’s body. 

 

“Do you want to go somewhere?” Even asks him, trying to come up with something to do, but his brain’s empty. He just wants to be with Isak, it doesn’t matter where. But he’s tired. And he just wants to be in bed, with Isak. Just be there, enjoy the feeling he gets around Isak. That safety and calmness, which makes his heart beat incredibly slowly and incredibly fast at the same time. Almost like his heart wouldn’t know how to work. But it does and it beats, just for Isak. 

“Naah, let’s just stay in,” Isak stands straighter and smiles. He looks tired and looking into his eyes makes Even feel tired too. Isak brushes Even’s hair back, his hand locking on the back of Even’s neck. He pulls Even closer, walking them towards the bed. 

“Let’s talk about something,” Isak says quietly, sitting them on the bed. His knee is pressed against Even’s thigh, as he sits cross legged. He takes both of Even’s hands into his and claps them together a couple of times. Even smiles, thinking how silly it all is, but how happy he feels. He’d like to be this happy all the time. It almost feels normal! But that uneasiness… It reminds itself in the back of his head, whispering something he can’t hear. But he can hear it. And it’s distracting. 

 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something, for a while now actually…” Isak clears his throat, pressing Even’s hands together with his own palms. 

“Are you excited for Russ?” He asks, his gaze falling to their joined hands, peeking at Even. But when Even catches him staring, Isak looks back down. 

“I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter to me,” Even tells him honestly, wondering what Isak is after. 

“It doesn’t?” 

“No, I care more about my exams than partying in a buss,” Even shrugs, wishing Isak would look at him. But he doesn’t. He presses his hands tighter against Even’s and then lets go completely. 

“Oh…” 

 

“Are you disappointed? I didn’t know it mattered to you so much…” 

“No, it’s not that. I just somehow thought you would do it, since you can experience it only once in your life. And also because, you know, it’s russ… You deserve it.” Finally he looks up, smiles and his hands land on Even’s thighs. 

“I am in a buss though…” 

“You are?” 

“Yeah, with a couple of friends. But I’ll see, I haven’t really participated since things have been so messy.” 

 

Isak blinks slowly, clearly surprised by the information. 

“What?” Even chuckles. He has never seen Isak looking like this. It’s not hurt he sees, but there’s something, which feeds his uneasy feeling. 

“Nothing, really, it’s nothing. I guess…” He looks away, his hands retreating from Even. Isak becomes distant, like he’d suddenly be on a faraway island and Even would need a private jet to get to him. 

“You guess?” Even feels his chest tightening, because something’s coming. Isak isn’t usually like this; so reserved. He’s clearly making himself ready to say something, whatever he has on his mind. 

“You know you can tell me,” Even encourages Isak. His eyes flash to Even, and then he looks away, almost like it wouldn’t have happened. He gives a grim smile, then his face is emotionless, again. 

“I’ve just been thinking about our future lately… It’s your last year and I still have one more year to go. And you have these friends I know nothing about, but you know all my friends, you’ve even become friends with them. And then… What happens after you graduate? You’re going to start a whole new life and there’s no space for me…” Isak looks hopeless, distressed. Even has never even thought about these things, that they’d become a thing between them. 

“But I’m not going anywhere,” Even says. His uneasiness is growing. He knows Isak’s not fine about this and he’s sucking that feeling like a leech. 

“Yeah, you are! You’ll finish high school and do whatever you want! I don’t even know what you want to do! Where do we stand?” Isak stares at him, breathing through his mouth. 

“I don’t know what I’ll do or what I want for that matter. And I think it’s not something you should worry about.” Even scrunches his brows together. His muscles shake, almost like he’d be going through some serious withdrawal symptoms. 

“It is something I’m thinking about! We’re together and I care, Even! You telling me that I can tell you things sounds a lot like something I’ve told you many times, but you never tell me anything! I don’t understand, Even! I feel like I’m so close to you, but at the same time I’m so far away! I don’t know anything about your friends or, or…” 

“Or?” Even fears the worst. 

“What you were like when you were younger…” Isak says a little quieter. 

“You mean what I was like before I found out I’m bipolar?” Even cocks his head, something stirring inside of him. 

“No, that’s not what I meant. Or, like, I want to know what you were like when you were younger and I want to understand what happened so you found out about… your illness…” Isak is carefully picking his words. Even is grateful of that, but he doesn’t know what he can tell Isak. And him saying he’s far away from Even doesn’t help at all. 

 

“I’m just… Sometimes I look at you and I feel like I don’t know you at all, even though I know so much. And it scares me, also kind of annoys me…” Isak’s brows pull together, almost confused by what he’s saying.

“The same goes to you too, though,” Even counters, not really knowing where this conversation is going. There’s something brewing in the air and it doesn’t feel good. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well I still haven’t met your parents and I don’t know what you were like when you were younger, either.” 

They stare at each other. Even counts his own heart beats and his head starts to ache from the blood, which is rushing too fast in his body. 

 

“So, what? You’re throwing that to my face, that I haven’t introduced you to my parents because I still think that it might not go that well? That my dad’s going to say something and then I snap at him? Or my mum does something which will just prove how crazy…” He stops himself, his mouth hanging open. 

_Crazy_ , Even mouths. 

“You think your mum’s crazy because she’s mentally ill? Do you think that I’m crazy too?” Even knows what the uneasy feeling is. It’s not mania, but pure rage. And it’s not going to stay inside for much longer, if there really is going to be a fight. Their first fight. 

“No, no, that’s not what I meant!” 

“But you just called your mum crazy!” 

“It slipped!” Isak’s cheeks colour deep red. He’s angry too. Even never thought they’d be fighting about this. He already thought they were over this. Well, the subject was never even touched, it just was there. His bipolar disorder. But if Isak really thinks Even’s crazy, then he didn’t know Isak at all. 

“That’s not even the point! I’m just saying that you never talk to me about these things! I know nothing about your life, which you live outside of this room or your room, the life which you live outside this relationship. I know nothing about the way you feel, when you’re either high or low. You don’t talk to me!” 

“And you want to think that it somehow matters?”

“Yes! Because I want to know! You’re my boyfriend, Even, and I love you!” Isak moves backwards, sitting further away from Even. 

“Well, why aren’t we fighting about me not knowing you either! How you haven’t told me about the time when you were just discovering yourself? Or me not meeting your parents? You don’t even talk about them!” 

“Because I don’t have the same kind of relationship with them as you do with your parents!” Isak stands up, pacing around the room. He hides his face into his hands, breathing heavily. 

“Yeah. I can tell,” Even scoffs. He feels like it’d be the best if he left. He can’t breathe anymore in this room. 

 

“Even, why can’t you see that I want to know you better but you’re giving me nothing! Why is it so hard to tell me things?” 

“Why won’t you introduce me to your parents?” Even spits back. He stands up, too, and faces Isak. He just shakes his head, an annoyed smile on his face. 

“Does it have something to do with the music?” 

“What?” Isak looks confused. But Even has to let it out. 

“Yeah, the music you listen to. You feel the need to hide the songs you listen to so others won’t know about them,” Even spreads his hands out, almost like pointing out the truth. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” 

“For example, that Frank Ocean song, the one you say you don’t listen to but actually know the lyrics to? Who the fuck cares if you listen to something else too, than N.W.A and play tough all the time? Who the fuck cares!” 

“I care!”

“But why?” Even shakes his head and turns away. 

“Yeah, just leave!” 

“I will, because apparently it’s still hard for you to be yourself even though you say the opposite!” Even doesn’t bother to look at Isak, but he can hear him scoffing. 

 

“Because I’m fucking scared you’re going to hurt me someday! I’m afraid you’re going to get into some university and maybe move away. Or then you stay here, but you find someone more mature than me and do the same to me that you did to Sonja!” 

Even stops. So, that’s what was in Isak’s mind all along. Sonja. Even feels himself turning around and when his eyes land on Isak, he looks like someone else. Even doesn’t know this person. This person, who is at the same time terrified and so angry, that his eyes are flaming. 

“I know nothing about you! Do you think it’s easy for me to trust you fully, when I don’t know who your friends are or if you’re actually planning something, which will eventually fuck us up!” 

“Yeah, that’s what I’m doing. I’m just the crazy guy, who’ll fuck us up just because I don’t tell you about the things that go through my head! I’m just that guy, who’ll cheat on the people he loves and then move onto the next one, because apparently he has no feelings! Well you know what, Isak, you’re still the guy who can’t come out of the closet!” Even spits, his jaw tense and his sight going blurry. He can feel the rage in his limbs, adrenaline pumping all over his body. He has never felt like this, and he feels like his lungs are going to explode! He can’t see anything. He blindly opens the door and slams it shut, already knowing Isak’s place like it’d be his own. He grabs his jacket and shoes, pulling them on forcefully. 

 

“How the fuck can you say something like that!” Isak’s voice echoes in Even’s mind. It’s so distant and foreign, that it doesn’t really even sound like Isak. It’s just someone yelling, provoking Even’s rage even more. Telling it to explode, like it wouldn’t have already. 

“Do you know what I went through when I fell for you! I was outed and then you left me!” 

“For fucks sake Isak! I know that, because I got outed too, remember! In more ways than one! And you know what, maybe it was all just a big fucking mistake to do anything with you, because you can’t get to know me without me telling you everything!” 

“What, that I’m not Sonja!? Is that what you’re telling me? That because I don’t understand everything, I’m somehow not good enough!” 

“Well at least you like to repeat that you don’t know me! So maybe you don’t! but I don’t clearly know you either! And if you can’t be yourself with me, then I can’t help you. If you can’t be with me, because of these things, then just tell me!” 

Even hears a loud bang and something vibrates inside of him. He can see Isak, but just Isak. Only his face, surrounded with blackness. His tunnel vision makes him even angrier, because he doesn’t want to see that face right now. He turns around and leaves, slamming the door and running the stairs down. His vision blurs again, and there’s a voice in his head screaming. Not saying anything, just screaming, choking him. He wants to scream too, he can’t take it. His feet slam against the ground, while he runs, trying to get rid of the rage and the screams. But they follow him, get ahead, and envelope him in red and black, burning him inside out. 

 

He feels the burn. The crippling feeling of being burned by a thought of some sort. But it’s not mania. It’s something else. He knows when mania comes. Makes its home in his mind. Makes him do what it wants. Makes him do things that don’t make sense, but are the clearest of ideas in the whole wide world. No. This is not mania. This is rage. This is something inexplicable. He can’t see. He just runs. He doesn’t care, if he gets hit by a truck and if he’d die right here, right now. He needs to feel the aching feeling of being ripped apart and spit out. There’s no noises or colours, just red and rage. 

He still knows where he’s going. He would know this road even in his sleep. He can already see the roof of his building. But it’s still far away. Anything could happen. And it wouldn’t matter. Because he knew it. There’d be no future. He’d just do something to hurt Isak. And now Isak hates him. Even saw the hurt in Isak’s eyes, when he left, when he said his last words to Isak. He was so happy, but then it all went wrong. 

Isak thinks he’s crazy? He still thinks that his mental illness is something, which defines him as crazy? At least Isak thinks his mum is crazy, why wouldn’t he think Even is crazy too? So, this is the way Isak spat Even out. Let him go, showing Even how he’s just a crazy person. How Even can’t talk about some things or how he keeps his friends to himself, not wanting to share them. It’s like being with Sonja; he couldn’t tell her who he was with because they all had something which she didn’t think was good for him. Now the same thing is happening with Isak. And he says he doesn’t know Even… 

He has ruined it. He has ruined the good in his life. He didn’t let Isak in and he didn’t listen because of the weird feeling in his head which is buzzing in his ears. Isak has to learn some things, but Even has to learn some things too. 

He didn’t let Isak in, because he was so scared of him judging Even’s friends. Isak’s not like that! So he really doesn’t know Isak either? Does he really know the man he loves? He might not have introduced Even to his parents, but he has never even explained why. Just “because of reasons”. It’s the same way Even has brushed Isak’s questions off. “Who were you with,” he might ask and Even would answer, “just no one”.

 

Even has ruined it and he knows he deserves it. To be alone. That he has to learn life through being alone. There might never be a person, who could understand him completely. But he doesn’t even try! And that came between him and Isak. He can’t understand why Isak loves him sometimes, especially when he said he doesn’t know Even. That just cleared it up for him. There’s no such thing as someone loving him, like he thought. It’s just a dream and now he woke up. It’s good he did. Who knows what might’ve happened if he wouldn’t have. 

There’s lights coming his way, right in front of him. There’s a loud sound, and just in time he takes a leap to his side, hitting the pavement. He gets back up, and runs. He just wants to destroy. He needs to shatter everything, break everything, he needs to get rid of everything. There’s nothing for him. 

He leaps the stairs up towards his home door two at a time, almost unable to breathe anymore. He’s trying to catch it, but he’s too slow. He bangs the door, he bangs it with his fists. If he has to, he’ll get through it. The door unlocks and he throws it wide open. He’s still running, his feet leading him towards his room. 

 

“Even!” He hears behind him. They can’t catch him. He goes into his room and slams the door closed. He locks it, looking around himself. There’s too much. They’re all suffocating him. 

The first thing his hand touches is the lamp in the corner of the room. He throws it on the floor and it shatters. The next thing he sees are the small things on his desk. He sweeps them off the surface, making them fly on the floor. He bangs the desk. He can’t break it with his fists, he’s too weak. 

Someone yells and he realises it’s him. He’s yelling. He pulls the drawers from his desk, throwing them away. They hit the floor, and he hopes they got broken. He pulls his desk, tipping it over and it hits the floor with a loud crash. 

He moves from his desk to the other wall. He sees the mirror. He sees himself and can’t recognise the person. It’s someone, who he’s scared of. He pulls the mirror off the wall, and with all his strength he smashes it on the floor. It breaks into small pieces, which glitter when light from outside hits them. They rustle under his feet, sticking to the bottoms of his shoes. 

His eyes are skimming the room, trying to find something he can throw. He sees his wardrobe. He opens the doors, pulling his clothes off their hangers. They are too light. He pulls the shelve from the top of the wardrobe, and every pile of shirts it was holding. He throws it on the floor, and it clatters on the pile of drawers from his desk. 

There’s a bookcase. He looks at it, his mind going blank. He stares at it for a second, before he rushes to it, and starts to pull it off the wall. It starts to rock, some books already falling out. It tips forward more and more, and it doesn’t feel so heavy anymore. Something crashes, but it’s not the bookcase. Something else. Something. 

Hands. He can hear someone yelling, this time it’s not himself. Something grabs him tight, holding him. But the bookcase. It’s giving up. It tips forward and with one last tug, it starts to fall forward. Someone pulls Even away from it, but he fights back. He wants to feel the weight, what it feels like to be buried under stories of other people. 

He fights back, he wants to move. But someone’s holding him even more tightly, yelling even more. Even thinks he’s screaming, but he’s not sure, not anymore, because his throat is sore. And it feels like someone’s sticking shards of glass down his throat. Feeding them to him forcefully.

He falls on the floor, partly on top of his clothes, partly on the drawers. Someone drapes their leg over him, and holds him tightly against the floor, not letting him move. 

 

His eyes can’t see. 

Just black. 

Like a fog. 

And then like static from a tv. 

Black and white dots here and there, snowing across his field of vision. 

 

He’s panting erratically. The drawer under his hip starts to sink painfully against his bones. The arms around him are like a straitjacket. They hold him close, bringing him back to reality. There are words talked into his ear. There’s a sound, a cry, somewhere further. Someone’s crying. It’s not himself. 

He stares right at his wall, through all the junk on his floor. Through the mess he made. He stares and realises. And forgets. And knows. And then there’s tears. His head relaxes against the floor. His bones hurt. His lungs hurt. His arms hurt. His legs hurt. Everything hurts. 

The words said to his ear start to relax from frantic to calm, quiet, tired. Even shakes, not knowing what’s going on. He’s on the brink of losing his sanity and being himself. He’s on the brink of losing himself, but feeling everything from his perspective. Seeing everything as it is, as himself. 

But he still can’t see. He still can’t hear. He still can’t make a sound. Just weep out the pain from his body. 

Flashes of images burn in his eyes. 

And he knows he has ruined everything good there is. 

 

\- - - - 

 

Time. What is time? What does it mean? Is it something you can touch? Or is it just something you can lose yourself into? Is it something you can control? Or does time control you? 

Even thinks there’s no time. He’s in a timeless place, in nothingness. All there is, is his bed and his walls. They hold him in, keep him safe from himself, and keeps everyone else safe from him. 

Isak has been trying to call him. 

But Even doesn’t answer. 

The texts Isak has sent him? 

No replies. 

 

It’s over. Even knows it. Isak just wants to call him to let him know there’s no chances for them to fix it. Even ruined it. But Even still doesn’t want to hear it. That’s why he doesn’t answer. That’s why he doesn’t read Isak’s texts. He doesn’t want to face it. 

He doesn’t want to keep hurting Isak. He doesn’t want to make Isak worry. Or make him sad. He doesn’t want Isak to think he’s with a crazy person. Because sometimes even he thinks he’s a little crazy. He’s used to living with bipolar disorder, he knows what can happen. 

But to Isak… he knows nothing and only because Even never told him about the things he feels. That’s why they don’t know each other. That’s why Even can’t tell him, because he wants to protect Isak from the darkness he has inside of him. He wants Isak to have a good life and Even being around him could ruin it for him. So this is the right thing to do. Isak doesn’t need him. 

 

When he’s strong enough, he’ll answer Isak. And he’ll take the rejection and watch everything crumble into pieces. But not now. Not yet. 

Even turns to his side, facing the wall. He watches it, like it could give him answers, be his friend. Eventually there’s nothing to stare at anymore. So, he closes his eyes. 

 

\- - 

 

The moon breaks through clouds somewhere outside. Its cold light comes into the room from the window and make shivers run down Even’s spine. Even’s mum is there with him, in his room. They’re sitting on the floor, a plate of food in front of them both. Even is draped in his duvet, warm and safe. His mum makes small talk, just to tell him things. What has been happening during the week. The words don’t really sink in. He hears them, but his ears spit them right out and leave him hollow. 

He eats small bites, not tasting anything. Even chewing is tiring. 

He goes back to bed after he has been sitting on the floor for an hour with his mum. His dinner has gone cold, not even half of it eaten. 

 

\- -

 

In his dreams, nightmares, Even recaps every word Isak said and every word he said to Isak. The things Isak yelled sting in his chest, breaking his bones, making it hard to breathe. And then he remember how rude he was too. He hates himself for it. 

And then he sees Isak’s tear filled eyes. The fear, which he has never seen in Isak, was because of him. And then the loud bang, which vibrated inside of him. He made it happen. He hit something. And he saw Isak, terrified, not knowing what’s happening. The image wakes him up every night and he feels like he can’t breathe. He did that. He hurt the person he loves the most and turned his back. 

I never deserved him, Even thinks. After that he can’t fall back asleep. He just stares at the shadows in his room, until there’s more light coming in from the window. That’s when he dares to close his eyes again. 

 

\- - 

 

There’s no more texts. No more calls. They stop. It terrifies him more than hearing his phone buzz somewhere. 

Knowing, that Isak has given up, is his sign. 

He’s not needed. He’s not wanted. 

So, he closes his eyes once again. Through tears he manages to fall asleep, feeling even more exhausted every time he wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comment section and kudos button love your attention :) [tumblr](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/)
> 
> There's now also a [tumblr post](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/post/157161036023/all-the-time-i-dream-of-you-wow-even-breathes) you can share :)


	7. Monday 21:21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to while writing  
> Jeff Buckley - I Know It's Over  
> Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter  
> M83 - Wait

Another day in bed. Almost like the hole, where Even has fallen, is deeper than ever before. He feels so heavy, his every limb weighing too much for him to lift them. He feels cold inside, everything ripping apart in slow motion. He can feel his heart breaking. He can hear his soul being torn apart. 

There’s no one, who could come and get him out from this darkness. He has lost his light, his only way of feeling like a human. Being here, on this earth, in this room, in this bed, it doesn’t feel real. Everything just is, floating by and reminding Even how lonely he is. But then again, he was always lonely. He was only distracted to think that he wasn’t. But here he is, experiencing the truth first hand. 

Though, he likes being alone, at least most of the time. But being lonely. That’s different. It leaves you hanging with your thoughts. No one can take you anywhere else, it’s only you and your thoughts, your head. Nothing else, just emptiness. 

 

“Even?” A quiet voice asks from the door. His mum. He doesn’t answer. It hits him instantly; he hasn’t spoken for a long time. He hasn’t said a word. He’s not even sure how long he has been in his room? A few hours? Days? Weeks? It can’t be months… 

He buries himself deeper under his duvet and closes his eyes tighter. If there’d be food, she’d tell him. She wouldn’t just call his name and not say anything else, if he was supposed to eat something. 

Light footsteps sound in the quietness of his dark room. A click. Even opens his eyes for a moment, to see there’s a light on in his room. Just a faint light, nothing more. He’d want his mum to leave, he can’t deal with anything else right now. He just wants to be in the quiet. 

There’s a light musical sound, and Even has to dig his memory to place it. His guitar. His mum doesn’t play the guitar… So, it’s his dad. There’s some rustling against the floor and then quiet, which is letting Even wait. Why is his dad in here, just sitting, presumably with a guitar?

With a quiet sound, the guitar comes to life. His dad plays it carefully, weighing every note, before it leaves the instrument. Then it stops, just like it started. There’s a sigh, and Even knows. He knows the person who takes the breath. He knows the sound of his lungs. He knows the way his mind works when he breathes out a sigh like that. And it’s not his dad. 

 

“Even?” Isak asks, whispering. Even’s eyes well up with tears, pooling in the corners and then falling in big, pearl like droplets. They are heavy and won’t stop falling, they won’t stop flowing. 

“I’ve been worried,” he continues, speaking slowly and letting the words float out of his mouth softly. 

“I don’t know if you saw my calls or texts,” he considers his every word before he says them. Like he could say something wrong, even though he’s not really saying much. 

There’s a heavy silence in the room. Even feels like he’s drowning in his tears. There’s too many tears, flowing from his eyes too fast. There’s no air for him to breathe, just those salty tears. 

“Even?” Isak asks again, but when he doesn’t answer, Isak doesn’t push it. He doesn’t say anything, but starts to play the guitar again. Even didn’t even know he played. Isak had always looked at the guitar in the corner of his room, but he never said anything about it. And Even never asked. 

Isak plays something, a song, which Even doesn’t know. He can hear Isak breathing heavily, but he doesn’t stop playing or start saying anything. Even closes his eyes, hoping the tears will stop. He listens to the melody, a melancholia lulling him to calmness. But every time he hears Isak breathe, his heart aches. He’d want to go and hold Isak, just tell him how sorry he is. But he can’t. He can’t get himself up, get himself to move. He can’t go there, because he knows it’ll be the end. He can’t even turn around in his bed. He is facing the wall, afraid to see Isak’s face. 

 

“ _If you're so funny then why are you on your own tonight?_  
And if you're so clever then why are you on your own tonight?  
If you're so very entertaining then why are you on your own tonight?  
If you're so very good-looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?"

_"I know 'cause tonight is just like any other night_  
That's why you're on your own tonight  
With your triumphs and your charms  
While they're in each other's arms" 

_“It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate_  
It takes strength to be gentle and kind  
Over, over, over,  
It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate  
It takes guts to be gentle and kind  
Over, over.”

Isak’s voice is shy and it fades out, but it’s the most beautiful thing Even has heard in his life. The way he says every word, softly and as quiet as he plays the guitar, reminds Even of dreaming. Maybe this isn’t real. Maybe this is a dream. Maybe he’s having this dream before it all comes crashing down. Before he has to face Isak and remember his heart break for the rest of his life. 

But the shivers, which vibrate through his spine and make his skin rise with goose bumps; they’re real. And he hears the song and feels. And knows. He’s not alone in his room. Isak is there. And it’s the goodbye. It has to be. He wouldn’t be here for any other reason. 

 

Isak hums the rest of the song, until his fingers aren’t playing the chords anymore. Even doesn’t first notice that the music has ended, until he realises it’s quiet again. 

“I don’t talk about the songs I like…” Isak says, almost like to himself. But because it’s so quiet, Even can hear it clearly. 

“I don’t talk about them, because I was so ashamed of them before. And now, when I should be happy with myself, I can’t bring myself to admit I like some music.”

Even blinks his eyes, tears still dropping out, but this time there’s no more collecting in the corners. He only stares at the wall, listening. 

 

“Some people always told me how gay some songs were. And now… I still hear it, like it’d be a curse word. Or like the music I listen to would be wrong.” 

“I learnt these songs and I played them at home, but then I got afraid to play them there, too.”

“It was easy for me to not talk to my mum or dad, I had never really done it before either. But when dad left mum, and I was left alone with mum, it got easier and easier to not say anything. I hated dad for leaving, and I was confused with mum. I didn’t want to come home. And I didn’t want to talk to them. And then people said things about the songs I liked and it was even harder to be the person I knew I was. I know I don’t talk to you about my parents, that I don’t feel like introducing them to you. But that has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with how I don’t know how to be around them.”

 

He starts to play the guitar again, a bit more confidently. Even knows this song too and he’s a bit surprised to hear Isak play it. He had no idea he liked this song too, as did Even. 

“ _This is the start of something beautiful_  
This is the start of something new  
You are the one who'd make me lose it all  
You are the start of something new,”

_“And I'll throw it all away_  
And watch you fall into my arms again  
And I'll throw it all away  
Watch you fall, now” 

_“You are the earth that I will stand upon  
You are the words that I will sing_ ”

Even can hear how Isak’s voice breaks. He sniffles, clearly crying, but he doesn’t stop playing the guitar. His fingers shake against the strings, trying to find the right ones. And when he does, their beautiful melody fills the room. 

 

“ _I've got an angel,  
She doesn't wear any wings_.”

Isak sings, abruptly stopping right before he can let out the next verse. He takes a pause, before he starts to play again, from the beginning. 

“ _I've got an angel,_  
he doesn't wear any wings.  
He wears a heart that can melt my own,  
He wears a smile that can make me wanna sing.  
He gives me presents,  
With his presence alone.  
He gives me everything I could wish for,  
He gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home.”

 

“Even,” Isak begins. The way he says Even’s name is like music to his ears. He prefers it to any song there is. He’d like to hear it on repeat, just to hear the way Isak’s voice softens. He wants to feel the warmth that seeps into every letter. 

“I never meant to hurt you, Even. I don’t know what got into me and I was…” He takes a deep breath. The guitar is laid carefully on the floor. The strings hum in the quiet room and it’s the only thing Even can hear besides Isak’s breathing. 

“I said the most hurtful thing to you and I never meant to say that. Because I don’t think you’re crazy. You’re Even. You’re you. The most amazing person I know. I love you, Even, and I never meant to hurt you the way I did. I love the way you hold me, I love how you take me out. That we go on dates, which don’t even seem like dates. They’re just us, enjoying everything around us, enjoying life. Living it. And I love how gentle you are and how you don’t push me to do anything, I’m not comfortable with, in public. And I know that I’m shy around you when we’re out. That I turn my head when you try to kiss me on the lips or hold my hand. That I always check around us to see if people are looking.” 

 

There’s some shuffling, steps on the floor. The guitar is placed in its holder. The steps come closer and they hesitate next to Even’s bed. Isak’s hands lean against the ladder, and the wood creaks silently. 

“I do it because I did it for so long. I tried to make myself be this super human, who tried to do the things that were supposed to be right. But they were wrong. I was wrong. I hated myself for so long because I was alone. And then I met you. And I felt complete. And I feel complete. I miss you, Even. I miss everything about you. It’s just me, I’m trying to learn. And I try to understand. But you have to let me in. You have to talk to me. Because I want to know. I want to be there for you, know what to do. I want to be able to be the person you can talk to, because I care. And you’re not alone. We’re not alone. I miss your voice. And that voice can make me understand. I want you to be yourself with me, you don’t have to hide. It’s me, and you can feel what you feel. And I’ll listen.” 

“Even…” Another deep breath, another creak of the bed frame. 

“I love you so much and I want you to understand, that you kind of saved me. But there are so many things about our future, even our past, which I question. And I think that’s what I’m afraid of. And I want us to talk about them. But we’re here now, and I want us to be in this moment. And I want to love you, if you still let me. But there’s one more thing…” Isak’s voice wavers and Even knows this is the part which is the hardest for Isak. 

“You hurt me too, Even. Like my words hurt you, so did yours. I’m me and you know what I’m like. I’m still getting used to everything and some things are harder than others. I’m me and I need you to love me as I am. That’s all I’m asking.” 

There’s a long silence. There’s a knock on the door and a stream of brighter light flows into the room. His mum asks Isak to come with her and when he leaves, and the door closes, Even breathes for the first time for the whole week. He feels like coming up for air after being under water for too long. 

 

Isak never leaves. He stays over for the night. Even knows it because the outdoor never opens or closes. Sounds just fade away and the night falls. But Even doesn’t sleep. He keeps the light on and takes out paper and a pen. And he draws. He lets his hand talk, not thinking if the doodles against the white surface are good or bad. 

He draws and thinks about Isak. How right he was. How he opened up. How he let Even inside his head. And Even wants to know more. He wants to know about the smallest things and the biggest things. Like if he ever regretted cutting his hair or what he thought about when his friends talked about girls and he already knew he wasn’t into the opposite sex. 

But that means Even has to share things about himself too. That he can’t expect Isak to tell him things, if Even isn’t telling him things either. He wants Isak to know about his dreams and what he wants. He wants Isak to know about what flowers he likes or how he watched movies and memorised them, when he was going through a manic or depressive episode. He wants Isak to know about his friends, about his plans for the future. Maybe they could plan something together, if he’ll still want that. The hardest part is telling him about these things. 

 

The morning comes and Isak leaves. He comes to say Even goodbye before he’s out the door to go to school. Even keeps his eyes closed, imagining Isak’s face in front of his own. He imagines the way his eyes might look or the way his hair might be curling at the ends, creating a cloud of soft blond curls on top of his head. 

Isak doesn’t touch him or anything, but he can feel Isak’s breathing on his face, lightly tickling his nose. Isak leans against his bed for a moment and Even starts to feel more and more anxious. He feels like he needs to move, or open his eyes, or turn around. He can feel Isak’s eyes on him, waiting for something to happen. But when Even doesn’t move, he sighs. 

“Talk to me when you feel like it. I have to go to school, but just text me if you want.” Isak doesn’t move. He’s still waiting. Even feels like he might know Even’s not sleeping. And he probably also knows it. 

“I love you,” Isak sighs, whispering the words out. It pains for Even to hear him say it. It pains him to hear Isak say it like it’s the most exhausting thing to come out of his mouth. It pains Even to know Isak is so exhausted. It pains Even to know it’s because of him. He never wanted Isak to feel like that, to sound like that. He never wanted Isak to be in a situation, where he has to talk to someone, who isn’t even talking back to him.

 

Isak leaves. As soon as Even’s door closes after Isak, the tears spill from Even’s eyes and his lungs don’t work correctly. He opens his eyes, still feeling the ghost of Isak in his room. He knows he has to do something, because even though he feels like it’s all his fault and Isak would have a better life without him, he still wants to do something. Would it be apologizing and breaking up. Or being just friends. He just can’t believe they can be “us” anymore, no matter what Isak said. 

If he wouldn’t have this stupid illness, he could give Isak what he deserves. He could make Isak happy and he wouldn’t have to worry or come at Even’s, trying to explain himself and saying things, which sound like lies to Even. 

 

He sits up, catching his breath and staring at the wall on the other side of the room. It looks empty now. No bookshelf or a mirror anywhere in sight. His mum and dad cleaned up his room, when he wasn’t able to move. They collected everything from the floor, putting everything back into their places. They took out the things which got broken. Even the small snow globe, which Isak got him as a Christmas present. 

Even loved it. He loved shaking it while he was doing homework and couldn’t focus. He watched the plastic snowflakes falling on top of a small city. Isak called it “their place”. It was a parallel universe, where things were completely different and lives weren’t the same as they were here. In that city Isak might’ve even had yellow curtains in his room. Even liked to think that that city was a place, where his life wouldn’t be so hard, like a battle all the time. 

And he broke it, while he swept everything off from his desk. He broke it, like it wouldn’t have meant anything. He heard his dad sighing, telling Even how the snow globe had broken. That the glass had broken and spilt all the liquid from inside. That there wasn’t any way to save it anymore. Even felt sad, even sadder than when he got down from his rage. He felt like it was a sign of something. That now, when their parallel universe was broken, their own reality was broken too. He felt himself crying because of that, dragging him deeper into the darkness, deeper into the self-hatred. Because that’s what it is. He hates himself and the way he is.

 

He doesn’t hear, when his mum rustles behind his door and opens it. They stare at each other for a moment, Even mainly like a deer in headlights. His mum smiles, carrying a tray with breakfast. She sets it on the floor, sitting down. Even dangles his legs over the edge of the bunk bed and climbs down, almost jumps down. He sits opposite from his mum, taking in the food between them. For the first time he actually feels like eating something. 

“Hungry?” His mum asks, after he has looked at the fruit, toast, coffee and yoghurt for a while. 

“Yeah,” he says, clearing his throat. She pours them coffee, while Even eats a banana.

 

“He stayed over?”

“You should’ve seen him, the boy looked like he hadn’t slept in a while.” Even breathes deeply, thinking how this is all his fault. That he could’ve prevented it. He could’ve been there. 

“He told me what you had fought about.” His mum tilts his head, taking a sip from her mug. 

“We talked for a good while before we all went to bed, did you hear it?” Even shakes his head. She takes another sip and then sets the mug on the floor. 

“He’s really sorry for what he did,” Even’s mum says quietly, watching her son’s reaction. He feels the weight of the world on his shoulders, at least that’s what it feels like. Isak has been his world for a while now, so he’s not really surprised to feel this way. 

 

“I feel like I messed it all up, mum. I know he wants to know things about me, but it’s so hard to tell him anything. I keep forgetting we’ve known each other for quite a short time. And sometimes it feels like he knows me so well. And then he tells me he doesn’t know me at all and it feels like being punched in the gut.” 

“Why is it so hard to tell him things?” She looks at him understandingly. Even looks away, towards the fruit on the tray. He takes a grape between his fingers and rolls it around, trying to get his thoughts in order. But as soon as he thinks he’s done, a new thought comes into his mind and he has to rearrange them all. 

“His mum has some sort of a mental illness. I’ve never asked him about it and he has never told me about it. Last year, when I was about to tell him about… What I’ve gone through, he said that his mum is crazy and that he had decided his life to be better without mentally ill people in it.” He glances at his mum behind his lashes, looking away as soon as he sees her looking back at him. 

“Did you talk about it?” 

“No, but, there never was a chance. Or we just never mentioned it. When he found out, I thought he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore, but he did. So I thought we were over it. But now, when we fought, he called his mum crazy…” 

“And you think he thinks you’re crazy too?” Even can only nod, dropping the grape back onto the plate. 

 

“He did apologise yesterday. And I know that he didn’t mean to say it, but it hurt. And it still does. If he thinks his mum is crazy because she is mentally ill, what am I then?” His mum sighs. He looks up, seeing her looking towards the same plate of fruits, as he was just a moment ago. Like the fruits could give some answers to questions, which are complicated and need an objective perspective. 

“When Isak told me he feels like he doesn’t know me, I threw it in his face too. That I haven’t met his parents. I kind of knew he doesn’t have very good relationship with them and that he moved out because of his parents. And I shouldn’t have pushed him about it, about how he hasn’t introduced me to them. But then he said that thing about his mum and I snapped.” He continues. He knows his mum is going to say something, but then she doesn’t. She sighs again, her brows scrunching together. He lets her think, because she looks like she has a lot to say, but doesn’t know how to put it. 

 

“That is a very hurtful thing to say…” She mutters, sipping on her coffee before she continues. 

“Maybe no one has told him how hurtful it can actually be. Even though he’d know it’s not the right thing to say, he still might not know what it actually feels like?” 

“It might be…” 

“If he’s not in contact with his parents a lot, then you need to give him space on the issue. Even though we’re close and we’ve met Isak, it can be a very hard thing for him to actually know he’s not in good terms with his mum or dad.” 

Even nods. He was so unfair towards Isak for bringing that up. Because he knew that it would hurt Isak. But he still did it and he can only blame himself for it. 

“I also think, that if he would actually think like that of you, that you’re crazy. That it’d mean something really negative to him, he wouldn’t have apologised for it like he did. Even though he says things, which are inconsiderate, he didn’t come here for no reason to apologise. I know that you don’t like that part of yourself. He’s still accepting it, even though you wouldn’t. Just the way he spoke about you last night, showed me that. He talked about you, not about your illness. He sees you as you, he sees you fully, and not only a part of you.”

 

They sit in silence. Even doesn’t know what to tell her and it seems like his mum has also ran out of words. It’s an absurd situation to be talking about this, because he never really had any problems with Sonja.

“I keep comparing us to me and Sonja…” Even says quietly, almost ashamed. He knows he shouldn’t do it. that was also part of their fight. Has he been doing it unconsciously? Of course it’s different with Isak, he’s a completely different person. He has never looked at Even and given him a look, which would only see his mental illness. He has never made Even feel like he’s being babysat. Isak has just been there, by his side. And Even feels like he has been standing next to Isak, not behind him. The things his mum is saying just proves it to Even that Isak actually cares about him, not about his illness. 

When he was with Sonja, he felt like they weren’t equal. Like he was just following her, doing what was right in her opinion and saying things which made them both annoyed. They fought about things, which didn’t make any sense. Once they fought about pencils on Even’s desk, because Sonja thought Even could hurt himself with them. He just wanted to draw, like he normally does when he wants something else to think about. But she was there to make him feel like it was the wrong thing to do. Like he was going through a depressive episode wrong. Like she could’ve controlled how he was supposed to feel. And he knows that, he knows it was wrong in so many levels. 

Isak’s not like that at all. He’s ready to listen and he’s ready to know more. He wants to know more so he could be there for Even just the way Even wants him to be. He wants that Even is okay, and Even can’t understand it. He doesn’t understand why someone would love him. Or could love him. But Isak has showed him, that he loves Even. That he cares. That he doesn’t want Even to be alone. 

 

“You were together for a long time,” his mum says. 

“Isak’s not Sonja, though…” She continues, but is cut off by Even. 

“I know that, and I know I shouldn’t think like this!” He says exasperatedly. 

“You don’t have to punish yourself for thinking like that. Of course you compare your relationship with Isak to the one you had with Sonja. Those relationships have been so important to you that you can’t just wipe the other away. You’re going to carry them with you forever, no matter what happens.” Her words calm him down. She’s right. Of course he thinks about his time with Sonja, but he still feels wrong. Like his own mind would try to ruin it for him and Isak. 

 

“What do you miss when you think about Sonja?” 

“No, I don’t miss her,” Even says and he knows his mum can see through the lie. She waits, her gentle eyes on him. 

“The way she knew how I felt…” Even closes his eyes. He knows he misses it. He knows he misses how Sonja just knew. She was there, and she knew. He didn’t have to tell her. 

“It was also the problem,” he continues, thinking it through. 

“She knew so much. She did research and she even read a book about it. And she knew. Sometimes I felt like I didn’t need to even talk with her, she just knew what was going on and we went from there. But also, because I didn’t tell her some things, her knowing how I felt became a burden.” He shrugs, sighing deeply. 

“She just assumed how I felt and she just assumed what had caused it. She assumed and I complied.” 

 

“Isak is the complete opposite,” his mum reaches her hand out and holds it on his knee. She squeezes lightly, and when Even looks up, she has a small smile on her lips. 

“You need to think it through. But you also need to talk with him. I know he cares about you, he really does.” 

She pulls her hand back and keeps sipping on her coffee. A moment passes and Even eats a couple slices of orange. He washes them down with coffee, thinking about eating toast. 

 

“Can I ask you something?” She asks carefully, holding her mug with both of her hands. Even glances at her, seeing her look at the black liquid. 

“Hmmm?” He spreads some cream cheese on the toast. 

“Has he said he loves you?” 

“W-what?” Even asks, almost dropping the toast. He dares to look up and sees her mum looking at him with amused eyes. He rolls his eyes and gasps a laugh. 

“So you have,” she answers her own question. Even looks down, biting his lips together. He tries to hide his blush, which creeps up his cheeks. He nods, kind of wishing she wouldn’t see, but in a way he also wants her to see it. 

“I knew it. You know, mum’s know things like these,” she says lightly, taking a piece of toast too. 

“Talk with him,” she says, before she bites into the bread.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully the fight and the followup didn't make you too sad. I promise it'll get better :)   
> [tumblr](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/)
> 
> There's now also a [tumblr post](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/post/157161036023/all-the-time-i-dream-of-you-wow-even-breathes) you can share :)


	8. Tuesday 21:21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to while writing  
> The Wind And The Wave - Chasing Cars (Live)  
> Lewis Watson - What About Today

Even has been sitting on Isak’s bed since 11 this morning. He has been waiting to hear some footsteps behind the door or shuffling. Just any sound. He has been staring at the door, just waiting to see the handle turn and Isak’s beautiful face. He has been waiting. But Isak hasn’t come home. 

Eskild has come to sit with him. He brought Even some of the dinner he had made, but Even couldn’t eat. The more he has to wait, the more nervous he gets. In the morning, when he came here, he was determined. He knew what he was going to say. He had crafted a speech in his mind, which would explain everything. And his apology, that would’ve been the most important part of it. He knew he was early, but he wasn’t able to sit at home and be determined there. He had to come here, to the place where it all fell apart. He had to come here, to wait, to surprise Isak. And he doesn’t know where Isak is. 

 

“He didn’t tell me anything either,” Eskild says to him, sitting there, a bit further away, keeping his distance. The more Even has to wait, the more hopeless he feels. His determination is fading. It’s making his eyes sting and his chest feel tight. It feels like he has just imagined Isak, that this is just a random room in a random apartment and he has been woken up from a dream, where it all happened. And now he’s in a nightmare, where there’s no “we”, no Isak and Even, who could make it better. Who could figure it out. Who could just stay there. 

“Can I ask you something?” Eskild asks carefully, turning towards Even. He looks at Eskild, and feels himself small. Like Eskild could be the person, who could have all the answers in this world. 

“Do you remember what happened, when you were here the last time?” 

“We… fought?” Even knows there’s something, he can’t remember. He just knows. Eskild is not saying something, and it terrifies him. What if he did something, which can’t be mended? What if he hurt Isak in a way, which makes him not want to come home? 

“Come with me,” Eskild stands up and reaches his hand out to Even. He takes it, but to Even’s surprise, Eskild doesn’t let go. His hand is warm, protecting, but also demanding. He’s leading Even out from Isak’s room and into the foyer. They stand there, in front of the wall, right next to the door. Eskild drops Even’s hand and looks at Even, expectantly. But he doesn’t know what Eskild wants him to say. He can see a small dent on the wall. 

“Can you remember this?” Eskild asks him, pointing at the dent. Even swallows. And his mind puts the pieces together. The vibrating feeling in his bones, when he left here the last time. He knew he hit something. But he didn’t know what kind of a reminder he had left. It was his hand, which hit the wall. It was him. He hasn’t been able to feel any pain, other than the pain in his mind. But the pain in his body, the real pain, he hasn’t been able to feel. He has seen the bruises and some cuts. And the bruise on his palm. But he wasn’t able to connect it with anything. It just was there. Until now. He looks at Eskild from the corner of his eye, feeling ashamed, broken. He’s not like this. This is not something he does. 

He nods, bowing his head down. Is this why Isak isn’t home? Because he doesn’t feel safe here? 

“Let’s go back into Isak’s room,” Eskild puts his hand on Even’s shoulder and they walk side by side. He is a great person, but Even misses someone else’s hand on his shoulder. He misses the hugs and the words that other person says. And his voice. And his ability to take Even somewhere else. And his love, that’s what Even misses the most. 

 

They sit back on the bed. Eskild is trying to find the right way to console Even, to make him feel at least a bit better. But now, that Even knows what he did, he can’t find the strength to make himself better. He can only replay the feeling, he had then, in his mind. He can only see Isak, his fearful eyes and the way tears streamed from them. Like Even’s heart wouldn’t already be shattered, now it’s being hit again to turn the small pieces into dust. 

“I’m not like that…” Even says and he can feel his tears spilling. Eskild has empathy all over his eyes. They stay silent, while Even is trying to grasp the reality he’s in. Isak is probably afraid. And Even hasn’t spoken to him. Does he know about what happened after Even left here? Did he see the empty desktop in his room, when Isak came over yesterday? Has Even’s mum told him? 

The thought of him knowing what Even is capable to do frightens Even. What if this is him now? What if something like this will happen again? Though, his doctor said it happened because of the drunk night he had on his birthday. It just didn’t go well together with his medication. But Even didn’t expect to have an episode like that, when he’s almost used to having mania. It’s still never the same. It’s always something new, it’s always something he can never prepare himself for. He has been angry, of course. Everyone feels angry at times. But for Even, he has never felt this kind of anger he had. And it gives him a hopeless feeling. 

 

“We all know you’re not like that. We were just confused what was happening, because you two were always so calm and sweet. And then suddenly you were fighting. We didn’t know what to do. And Isak definitely didn’t know what to do.” Eskild shakes his head slowly, his expression blank. 

“What do you mean?” 

“He shut himself into his room and didn’t come out until the next day. And he didn’t talk to any of us. But then after a few days he kind of broke down. One day he came home from school and I found him staring at the wall in our hallway. And he just cried and cried, his forehead against the dent. That’s when he told me what he had told you and what you fought about. Let me tell you, he still has a lot to learn. But he never meant to hurt you the way he did.” 

“It’s not his fault,” Even stares at Eskild, listening to him and trying to make sense of it all. Eskild telling him about what happened after their fight might be a good thing. But Even just wants Isak here. He wants to solve this with Isak, even though he can’t remember anything he was supposed to say. 

“He knows that. He was hurt too.” 

They’re in silence. Even’s head aches from knowing how alone Isak has been, too. It makes Even feel like it’s all his fault. Like he could’ve prevented it from happening. Like he could’ve done something. But there was no way. He wasn’t able to control himself in that situation. It happened and all he can do is apologise. All he can do is hope, Isak will forgive him. But he can’t trust Isak to take him back. 

 

“Did he come and see you? He did, right?” Eskild asks, turning towards Even. 

“Yeah, yesterday,” Even nods, his mind going blank. He did visit Even. It really wasn’t a dream. Of course it wasn’t. And that’s when Isak asked if Even could love him the way he is. He asked Even questions, which Even wanted answer. Those questions made Even come here. That’s why he got so determined. There is something to save. 

“The boy was so sad all the time that I made him come and see you. He really loves you, you know that right?” 

“You made him come and see me?” 

“Yeah! He was just lying in bed and he listened to sad songs. And when I asked him what he was thinking, he said that he was thinking about a thousand things, but the first thing was how much he misses you. I know he hasn’t been able to sleep that well. He never sleeps well when you’re apart. So, he was tired and he missed you.” 

Even could’ve fixed it all. He could’ve made it better. But he didn’t. Yet again, another thing he could’ve done, but didn’t do. 

 

There’s some noises coming from the hallway. Even’s heart starts to hammer in his whole body as soon as he hears the sounds. It has to be Isak. He’s the only one, who wasn’t home earlier. 

“You have nothing to worry about, Even.” Eskild smiles, squeezing Even against his side. 

“I’ll go and talk with him a bit, okay?” 

“Don’t tell him that I’m here, it was supposed to be a surprise,” Even whispers, afraid Isak will just rush into the room. Eskild nods and leaves, closing the door quietly. Even can hear them faintly, they’re probably in the kitchen. But he can only hear Eskild’s voice, not Isak’s. 

Is he doing a huge mistake? Maybe he should’ve told Isak beforehand that he was coming over. Maybe it’s not a good idea to surprise him like this. Especially after a fight. He stares at the guitar case against the wall, his guitar. Because he wants to play something for Isak, if Isak will let him. If Even is even able to play anything after they’ve talked. 

 

Time stops in Isak’s room. It’s just Even, sitting on Isak’s bed, waiting for him. Staring at the door, waiting. The more he waits, the more his heart is trying to escape from his body. His hands are sweating and he gets more and more nervous by the second. 

There’s a sound behind the door. Even doesn’t know if Eskild told Isak there’s someone waiting for him. He doesn’t know what to expect. Isak doesn’t know what to expect either. The door handle clicks a few times, when it’s turned. 

Even stands up when Isak opens the door. He looks like a statue, his hand clutching his backpack on his shoulder. He has bruise like shadows under his eyes and his skin looks pale. His cheeks look hollow and his eyes darker. He swallows, before he takes a step forward and closes the door. He stays there, standing, waiting. And Even feels himself crumbling in front of Isak, feeling all his emotions take over, because he has missed Isak so much. But he can’t get closer to Isak, not yet, not before they’ve talked. Not before he has apologised. 

 

“Hi,” he starts and feels his legs giving in. He sits back on the bed, clutching the duvet under his palms. Isak breathes heavily, just staring at Even, who is trying to keep himself together. But Isak looks like he’s struggling too. That this is as hard for him, as it’s for Even. 

He drops his backpack on the floor and takes painfully small steps forward. He sits far away from Even, but he’s still there. He leans to his hand, leaning away from Even. He looks at Even, trying to find something from him. He blinks slowly, his eyes glimmering in the warm light of his room. But it’s not the good kind of glimmer, no. It’s because of the tears, which he’s trying to keep from dropping. He bites his teeth together, his jaw tightening. Then he relaxes, looks away and tries to catch his breath. Even would want to do something, help him in some way. But he doesn’t know what he could do, he has never seen Isak like this. He doesn’t want to go too close, either. He looks too fragile. 

Seeing Isak like this makes Even realise how life works. That Isak isn’t some super human, who is always strong and gets through things. This reminds him, how Isak also has feelings. How he has some weight on his shoulders, which he can’t just shake off. How he has a burden, which he tries to understand and live with. That Isak is a person, who just wants to understand, tries to understand, but he tries to do it at the same time he tries to understand his own troubles too. That he has things, which he needs to make peace with. 

 

“Hi,” Isak’s breath wheezes the word out, but he’s still not looking at Even. 

“I’m sorry I came here like this, I should’ve sent you a text or something.” The more Even sees Isak suffering, the more he wants to make things right. He should’ve done this earlier. He remembers, how last autumn he broke their thing off. 

When Isak had told Even his life is better without mentally ill people around him. He should’ve known. But Even was so scared. He remembers how he watched Isak at his PE class and thought about the way he cared for Isak. How he got nervous, happy and felt free for the first time in a long time. He was going to tell Isak, he had already decided that. He was going to ask Isak if they could meet after school and Even would’ve told him then. But then Isak said what he said. And that’s when Even got scared and broken. 

Only the week after he realised how broken Isak was too. He had that same look in his eyes, which he has now, but now it’s worse. Now there’s nothing Even is hiding, even though he’s hiding everything from Isak. 

 

“I don’t mind,” Isak talks quietly, almost like he’d be too tired to talk at all. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch…” Even watches Isak close his eyes. He leans his elbows against his thighs and his face against his palms. Even would just want to wrap him in a blanket and hold him. He looks so small, too fragile, too exhausted. He doesn’t deserve this. 

“I was afraid you’re going to break things off between us, if I answered your texts or calls,” Even has to be truthful. He has to let Isak in, tell him about the things he thinks about. And he wants that. Because he wants Isak to understand. That’s how he’s going to understand Isak too. Even doesn’t want to make the same mistakes as he did with Sonja and this is the first step. 

 

Even knows Isak’s crying. His shoulders are shuddering and he’s catching his breath quietly. 

“But then you came to see me yesterday and I thought that you might not want to break up after all?” It comes out as a question, even though he didn’t mean it to. Isak shakes his head, but doesn’t say anything. 

“I’m so sorry, Isak. I know I’ve had to apologise to you so many times and you must be getting tired of it. But I’m sorry, so, so sorry. I said things which were unfair and which hurt you and I know I hurt you. I just wish you don’t hate me…” Even can’t look at Isak. If he’d see him, he might lose all the words he has in his head. And that can’t happen now. He closes his eyes and watches the darkness, which gives him the confidence to open his mouth. 

 

“I know I haven’t shared much, even though I should’ve. Even though I promised myself I would. Before you, I had to be careful what I was about to share. I didn’t have many friends in Bakka and I shared friends with Sonja. It was easy, because she wanted to know what was going on and who I was with. When we had same friends, she wasn’t so worried all the time. And those friends are still important to me. But it became harder for me to hang out with my own friends, because Sonja didn’t know them that well. That’s why I don’t share much about my friends, because I’m too used to it. Hiding, in a way.” 

He feels a hand on his wrist, tracing a line against the skin, over the blue veins shining through. It’s warm and wet from tears. Isak’s touch forces Even to shut his eyes tighter, to make himself continue. 

“I’ve made some great friends at Nissen and for the first time in a while I’ve been able to enjoy that just on my own. I’ve been able to be independent, which didn’t happen that much when I was with Sonja. I didn’t even realise how much we spent time together, shared so many things, not until I met you.” He has to stop to breathe for a while. He feels tears in his eyes, forming behind his eyelids. They escape and fall onto his cheeks. He feels another hand brushing them away from his left cheek, the ones on his right still making rivers. 

“I want you to meet my friends, and maybe get to know them. Like I’ve met and gotten to know your friends. I want you to trust me, Isak.” 

“I’ve always trusted you,” Isak’s broken voice floats into Even’s ears. 

“Can you look at me?” He asks. They’re like magic words, which make Even open his eyes and turn towards Isak. His eyes look red, his lips puffy. Even the tip of his nose is pink. He’s watching Even, diving into his eyes and losing himself in them. 

“I could never hate you, whatever happened,” he shakes his head slowly. His hand squeezes Even’s wrist to make the words heard. Even doesn’t know what he should or could say to that. Like he thought, he has lost all the words he was about to say. 

His mind is a mess, his thoughts scattered everywhere. He’s trying to catch them, trying to find something familiar. But when he’s looking at Isak, it’s just Isak. Almost like Isak could take everything away and replace them with good things. Even forces the picture of Isak to fade away and let his thoughts run freely. Because he has to say these things. 

 

“I haven’t planned anything for my future, because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I have my dreams, but sometimes I’m afraid that they’re not my real dreams. That I’m choosing wrong. That’s why I haven’t made any decisions. Of course I want to put some effort into my exams, so I could do something with my high school degree. But after I graduate, I don’t know what will come. I just hope I won’t be alone doing any decisions…” He sees Isak’s eyes lighting up. His hand comes to rest against Even’s neck and Even is sure Isak can feel how his pulse is racing. 

“Because that’s not my plan, to not include you in my plans. I want us to work and be together, even though I’d be doing something else than taking all the paper towels from the hand towel dispenser at Nissen.” He smiles shyly, just trying to make some of the tension disappear. He can feel it prickling his skin, almost like small electric shocks. Isak tilts his head down, and smiles, looking at Even from the shadows of his eyelashes. Even loves that look. The one which makes him feel all the butterflies in his stomach. He has to cut their wings, he has to bring them back down. Both himself and also Isak. 

 

“I know I haven’t told you about some things, about the things, which make shadows fall over my days or brighten them so much that I can’t see anything. I know I haven’t shared as much as you’d like. When you told me that you feel like you know me, but still feel distant to me… I understand you, but it also hurts. It hurts to know that you feel that way. Because I do want you to know me and understand me.” He swallows his tears away. Isak is listening to his every word, reading his lips at the same time the words slip through them. 

“I know you’re not Sonja. She has nothing to do with you or us anymore. It’s just us and I hope you can see that too. I didn’t hurt her because I just felt like I had to do something drastic or because I would’ve resented her presence or help or whatever you like to call it. She knew me so well, but we weren’t equal. We just were, because we had been for so long. She’ll still be a part of me in some way, because she was there for me for so long and didn’t give up even when the times were hard for the both of us. She knew me and she knew how I felt and she knew what to do. And sometimes I didn’t recognise myself with her. She knew things, which I didn’t. She saw my illness and I saw something else.” 

“I don’t want you to be like her. I don’t need another Sonja in my life. I want you, Isak. Just the way you are. Just like you asked. I love you, just the way you are.” 

 

Isak bows his head down. Even can feel Isak’s tears falling onto his hands, landing and breaking into smaller droplets. He’s trying to breathe calmly, but a few hiccups still break through. He leans forward, until the crown of his head is against Even’s chest. As soon as he’s leaned against Even, he relaxes. Even leans his cheek against the back of Isak’s head, just breathing in the familiar smell of his hair; shampoo and winter. 

“You’re more than good, Isak, and I love that about you. It was unfair of me to say that we were a mistake. That because you just want to know more about me, it was a mistake to do anything with you. That because we got outed, we were a mistake. Or that you can’t be yourself with me, or that because you feel like you don’t know me well enough and we should break things off because of that… It was unfair. And I was wrong, because I never should’ve said it to you. I know you get nervous. And I know you’re still getting used to it all. I know you’re yourself with me. But I wish I could know more about you too. I want you to tell me about these things too, like I need to learn to tell you more about myself.” Isak nods against his shirt. Even lifts his hands onto his shoulders and massages them gently. Isak leans a bit closer, heavier, just trying to tell Even to not make him sit up. 

“Isak, I hope you can trust me. Because I’m not some crazy guy, who hurts other people on purpose and breaks people’s hearts.” Isak grabs Even’s shirt, clinging to it. A new wave of silent sobs shakes his shoulders. 

“I’m so sorry I said that, Even, I’m so sorry. You’re not crazy, you’re not.” Isak wouldn’t want to lift his head from Even’s chest, but Even makes him. Isak has his head bowed down and Even makes him lift his eyes up by lifting his chin gently. 

“I know I fucked up when I said that. I don’t even know why I did. I’m so sorry, Even. Please…” His voice breaks and wheezes out with the tears, which make him lose his voice. Even wraps his arms around Isak, closing him into warmth and silence. Isak can’t stop himself from crying and it seems like he’s crying even more than before. Even can’t help himself and breaks down too. He holds Isak and feels his hands against his waist, steadying himself and making sure Even’s not going anywhere. Even can feel his lips moving against his chest, but there’s no sounds coming from his throat. Even still knows what he’s repeating. _I’m sorry_ , over and over again. 

“I know you are,” Even whispers into Isak’s hair. They need to talk about it later, because it’s a whole other thing. It needs its own conversation. Even doesn’t want to mix it into this, because this is all too much already. 

 

“I don’t want you to be scared when you’re with me. I don’t want you to be scared about our future or our present. Those things we can figure out together and I hope you can trust me, when you think about where we might be headed. Like you’ve said, let’s take it day by day, if it feels like it. But I don’t want you to doubt my love for you or I would just ditch you, if I get into some school or if I get a job. I would never want to hurt you like that. We’re in this together. Isak, you’re one of the most important person in my life. I don’t think about your age, when we’re together. There’s no one better, than you. No one can be like you. There’s only one Isak and I would never want to hurt you.” 

“I don’t want you to be scared of me, I hope you’re not. And if you are, I want you to tell me. I never want you to be scared around me. And I understand if you are. I didn’t realise what I was doing back then, but I saw the wall in the foyer, the dent which I made. And I’m sorry if you’re afraid of me, that it’ll happen again. Or something worse would happen. I can’t tell you that I won’t get that angry ever again, I still don’t know why I was so angry. I wasn’t able to control myself and I scared myself too. But I would never do anything to hurt you, I will never hurt you.” Isak’s hands wrap around Even’s middle, hugging him closer. His crying has calmed down, even though his breath still gets caught in his throat. 

 

“I went to see mum today,” Isak says against Even’s shirt. The words tangle into the fabric and get mushed together. 

“What?” Isak lifts his head, his eyes watching Even’s. They’re red brimmed and he looks tired. 

“I went to see mum today,” he sighs, his eyes falling shut. He leans his head against Even’s shoulder, relaxing against Even’s body. 

“I started to think about what you said to me, how you feel the same way. Like you don’t know me.” 

“No, Isak, I was just really mad…” 

“Hear me out, please,” Isak fists Even’s shirt into his hands and presses himself just a little bit closer. 

 

“It does make sense. Think about it, we’ve been together for a few months and we still have so much to talk about and to tell each other. We’ve been together so much that sometimes it doesn’t really seem like a few months, rather like a few years. I’ve met your parents and we can spend time together. But like you said, you haven’t met mine.” 

“Don’t do it because you feel like you have to do it. Don’t do it because you feel like I’m pressuring you into meeting your parents, because I could never do that to you. Let’s just take it slowly.” 

“But I want you to meet them. I want you to meet my dad, maybe we could go have dinner somewhere,” Isak lifts his head back up, his hands on Even’s thighs. 

 

“You’ve really thought it through?” Even lifts his brows. Isak brings his hand up to brush them with his thumb. The gentle touch makes Even smile and Isak answers it with a weak one. 

“I’ve had it in my mind for a while now…” 

“How long?” 

“Since before Christmas.” 

Even stares at him. He can’t place a moment, when he could’ve met Isak’s parents, or at least his dad. He can’t recall a moment, which could’ve been good one for meeting his boyfriend’s parents. 

“When?”

“Before I found out about you being bipolar. I told my dad I’d bring you to this Christmas concert where I was going to meet mum too.” A heavy feeling settles between them, like the words would’ve sucked all the air from the room. 

“I was meant to ask you to come with me, but then you had that episode and I thought we were over. So, I never asked you.” Isak shrugs his shoulders, looking hopeless. Like they actually would’ve broken up back then. Even thought so too, he thought they were over. He thought Isak wouldn’t want to even see him anymore. He thought he had lost Isak for good. 

“I went to that concert and that was the night when you sent me that text. Where you told me you loved me,” Isak’s voice breaks. He looks down, unable to face Even and let his tears stream freely. 

 

A deep silence falls between them. Even can feel Isak’s hands gripping his waist, like he’d be afraid Even might disappear. 

That was the night when he broke down. When he thought there was nothing for him anymore. He knew it already, had known for a long time, that he loves Isak. And he wasn’t able to say it to Isak earlier. And it would’ve been too early for the both of them to confess their love anyway. So, he never said it to Isak’s face for the first time. It was through a text during a hopeless night. He thought it was going to be his last night. He thought it was going to be his note. He didn’t see colours, he didn’t feel anything. He felt like he was sleep walking through the streets of Oslo, just trying to grip the shreds of reality he knew. 

he had told his parents he was going to meet Isak. They never questioned him, they never thought about the other option, the one which would mean losing their son. Even had told them he loved them earlier that day. That he felt safe. In the back of his mind he was only thinking about the night, how it’d end in darkness. How he’d finally get rid of his pain. Of the monster inside his head, which kept telling him he was worthless. 

He just wasn’t able to leave without apologising to Isak. He wasn’t able to let go, he didn’t want to hurt Isak even more like that. So, he texted Isak. His hands were shaking the whole time he was writing the message. His fingers hit the wrong letters all the time and he had to correct typos over and over again. He read the text, changed the time, until it hit 21.21. He felt his heart beating fast under the layers of clothing. He tried to breathe through the tears, through the hopelessness. He sent the message, turning his phone off. He didn’t want to read any replies, he just had to say goodbye. 

For the last time he went back inside the school. He went into the toilet, where he first met Isak and stared himself through the mirror. He saw his red eyes, his pale skin. And the black and white, which swallowed him into a void where he wasn’t going to get out of. He couldn’t recognise himself, his own reflection, which tried to claw itself out from the misery. He turned his back to it and left, ready to go through his plan. 

 

What he didn’t expect was the blond curls and wide eyes waiting for him on the school yard. He didn’t expect to see Isak, staring back at him, catching his breath, small rain drops falling on his hair. He was there and he made Even see something else other than the black and white, other than the monster in his head. Isak hugged Even and held him, keeping him together, brought him back to the surface and made him breathe. They didn’t say much to each other that night, but Isak made sure Even felt like he wasn’t alone. He made sure Even was safe. And he saved Even. 

Even will probably never forget that evening, the one which was almost his end. He hasn’t told his parents about it, about his plans. And he never will. He hasn’t told Isak. And he thought he never would. 

 

“It was my note,” Even whispers, feeling his throat tightening, closing up, making him panic. He can’t hide it from Isak, the pain he feels. He can’t hide, not anymore, not from the person who has kept him here. 

The hands on his waist freeze. Isak lifts his head from Even’s shoulder, his eyes searching Even’s. He’s breathing through his lips and the more Isak looks into Even’s eyes, the more Even can see tears in them. They form slowly, making pools, pearls. Isak blinks, new tears forming to replace the ones which just fell. 

There’s a calmness in Isak, which makes Even think it wasn’t a mistake to tell him. There’s a feeling of blue serenity, something, which can make him breathe, which can ease his mind. Isak leans his head back down, pushing Even to lay down. He lets Isak hug his middle, his own arms closing around Isak like he could close Isak into something unknown. 

 

“I know it was,” Even hears Isak say quietly, but clearly, wanting Even to hear the words. 

“How?” 

“I just did… You wouldn’t have said all the things over a text if you thought you’d see me again. You wouldn’t have said you love me, if you thought you were going to say it to me after a few days.” 

The words sink into Even’s head. All this time Isak has been mulling over how he doesn’t really know Even. And he knew something like that. Even his parents didn’t know how things would go, but Isak did. 

“Please tell me what you’re thinking…” Isak whispers. He props himself up onto his elbow, to see Even’s face. 

“You already know something no one else doesn’t,” Even doesn’t feel that panic rising anymore. There’s only safety, love, in the way Isak is looking at him. When Even has thought about that evening, he can’t say it was his lowest point. He has been down there before, at the bottom. 

But that time it wasn’t like before. It seemed so final, like it could actually be the time he goes through with it. He had thought about it before, but he was always too scared. That time he was terrified, but felt like it was the only way out. 

Like he’s terrified right at this moment. He’s terrified of the things he thought back then, how it all comes back so vividly. There are gaps, which he can’t remember, just glimpses. But those moments, when he made the preparations to let everyone go, they are clear, like carved into his memory. 

 

Isak’s hand is heavy on his chest, feeling the rhythm of Even’s pounding heart. It makes sure Even knows it’s safe in those hands, with that person, who is giving him a space to breathe. 

“I could never hate you. And I’m definitely not scared of you.” Isak shakes his head slowly, his eyes never leaving Even’s. 

“I want to understand what’s going on, because I believe in us. I trust you and I trust us. It’s you and me and we can take this as slow as we want.” 

Even listens to every word Isak’s saying, his dark eyes softening through the exhaustion. Even records the words, then repeats them a few times, locking them into a safe place, where he knows they’ll stay. 

“Does your mum or dad know?” Isak questions and gets a shake of Even’s head as the answer. 

“I don’t want them to know… I don’t want to worry them with it, because I was with you back then.” 

 

Isak lays his head back against Even’s chest. He’s listening to the heart beat, which is steadying. His weight against Even’s body is something Even has missed. The feeling of having someone so close. He already knows how it feels to have Isak on top of him, weighing him with safety and familiarity. He already knows that those arms are there to protect Even, to make Even feel like he’s cared. To hug and to hold. 

“You can trust me,” Isak only says. The words make Even breathe out and he feels his lungs collapsing and filling with air, with love. It doesn’t hurt to breathe, it doesn’t hurt to be here, it doesn’t scare him to be here, telling Isak these things. 

 

“Someday I will introduce you to mum and dad, do something together so they can get to know you,” Isak says, when a comfortable silence has fallen between them, in the room, in their little world. Even feels like he can push the things he said into boxes and close the lids. He feels like he said the things he was meant to say. Now they can move on towards something new, something which is only for the two of them. 

“You’ve told them about me?” Even asks carefully, not really knowing what to expect. He doesn’t really know if Isak has come out to his parents. He has never talked about them. It has always seemed like the kollektiv is Isak’s family, that his friends are the closest people to him. 

“I have, months ago. Mum asked about you today, wanted to see a picture or something. She also asked how things are going.” Isak talks honestly. Even knows it’s hard for Isak to talk about his family, about his mum. He can hear it in Isak’s voice and how it wavers. He’s nervous, not looking at Even. He’s clutching against Even’s chest, spilling things, which are heavy on Isak’s shoulders. 

“What did you tell her?” 

“I showed her a picture we took on your birthday. The one which is from your house. The one, where we’re sitting on the sofa and your mum sneaked the picture when we weren’t looking. Remember?” 

Even feels a smile tugging his lips upwards. Of course he remembers it. He draws shapes against Isak’s shoulder blade, getting lost in that moment a few weeks back. 

On his birthday, on Sunday, his parents made dinner and Isak came there to celebrate too. It was a quiet evening, just them eating and being and smiling and relaxing. He was sitting on their sofa in the living room with Isak. Isak was showing a video from his phone, of him skateboarding with Jonas. Even didn’t know Isak could do that so he had the silliest of expression on his face. He was half amazed, half surprised. Isak was just smiling, looking up at Even. That’s when Even’s mum had taken a picture of them and didn’t show it to Even until later, when Isak had went home. 

“She smiled at the picture, said that we looked like we cared about each other a lot.” Even closes his eyes smiling, his head tilting to rest against Isak’s head. 

“I told her we’re fighting, that it was quite bad. She told me that we’ll find a way, if it’s meant to be. That there’s always a solution for everything, no matter how hopeless it seems.” Isak lifts himself up, his hand brushing Even’s hair back. His hand stays against the back of Even’s head, forcing Even to look at him. 

“There’s always a solution, I think we need to remember that,” Isak says, almost suggestively, giving them a lifeline. 

“There’s always a solution,” Even repeats, knowing that Isak’s right. 

 

“Isak…” Even looks at him, his mind throwing him one more thing he wants, needs to say. Isak waits for Even to open his mouth, a confused frown deep on his forehead. 

“I never meant to leave you alone, when you were outed.” He sees a wave of sadness, of uncertainty wash over Isak’s eyes.

“I know, but there’s nothing you or I can do about it. What’s happened, happened.” 

“Still… it should’ve happened on your own terms, when you wanted it, not because someone was angry at you.” Isak looks down, hiding his eyes. Even knows it’s a hard thing for Isak, that it still bothers him even though he can be open about his identity. 

“Yeah, well… I just have to get comfortable with it…” Even hopes Isak would look up, that Even could just make that pain go away. 

“There’s so much that happened because of other people. I was outed and so were you…” 

“Wait,” Even cuts Isak’s words short. It makes Isak lift his gaze finally back to Even’s eyes, finally meeting the blue. 

“Those things were something, which we were hiding from others and from each other. If we can be ourselves around each other, who cares what others think. If we can be who we are with each other, be honest with each other, we don’t have to care what others think.” 

Isak looks like he wants to say something. His jaw tenses and there’s hurt all over his face. 

“You told me I can’t be myself around you, that I’m still in the closet. Do you really think that way?” He asks it sincerely, his voice breathless. 

“No, because I’ve seen you. You’re you, the person who I fell for and nothing has changed.” 

“Why did you say it then?” 

“I can’t defend myself with any words. It was wrong of me and I’m sorry. I really am sorry, because it’s not true.” Isak looks like he’s thinking hard, the words sinking in and giving him something else to think about. 

 

“I’m sorry, Isak. I said things which were out of line, and I hope you can forgive me.” Even breathes out a shuddering breath through his lips. 

“I’m sorry too. We both said things, which were wrong.” He falls back against Even, his face against Even’s neck. 

“I forgive you,” Isak says, his lips brushing against Even’s skin. 

“Me too,” Even answers. He presses his lips against Isak’s forehead, feeling his muscles relaxing with Isak’s, their breathing syncing together. 

 

They don’t speak after that. They just hold each other, breathing and listening to each other’s heartbeats. It feels like some door has been opened. There’s fresh air blowing in, clearing Even’s mind. It’s helping him sort his head out. The arms around him give him hope and a sense of what’s really going on. This is him and this is Isak. There’s things they need to figure out, talk about, go through and find a way to make it work. Even knows it might not be easy all the time, but he also knows it’s going to be good. That they’re going to be good. 

There’s a sense of relief, which makes it easier for Even to breathe. Having Isak so close, against him, gives him a feeling of home. That he knows where he belongs, where he finds comfort. He knows Isak will listen to the things which will pass his lips, just like he listens to Even’s heart. He will keep Even from losing himself, giving him something which he hasn’t felt in a long time. A sense of gravity, a sense of control, a sense of clarity, a sense of life, which excites him. 

 

“You should do something with your russ group…” Isak mumbles after what seems like a small lifetime. 

“Yeah?” 

“Mmhmm, I think you’d look good in your overalls, painting a bus. And who knows, a special someone might visit you,” Isak tilts his head up and Even can see the small grin on his lips. Even pecks them gently, feeling the softness against his own. 

“I’ll think about it,” Even assures him. Isak nuzzles closer, breathing heavily a few times. 

“Let me know when you know what you’ll do,” he mumbles, sleep clear in his voice. It lulls Even to close his eyes too, an easy smile on his lips. He can feel sleep drifting over him, just as Isak entwines their legs, like they’d be trees growing together, about to stay together for many lifetimes. 

\- - 

Through sleep Even can hear his guitar being played. He opens his eyes to see Isak on the bed, cross legged, playing it quietly. He’s looking at Even and when their eyes meet, he smiles. Even smiles back, closing his eyes. He can hear Isak singing quietly, recognising the song as soon as Isak open his mouth. 

“ _Keep a place for me, for me…_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the next chapter will be the epilogue. I'll put it here next weekend, when i'm finished writing it. If you want me to include something in that, please leave me a message here or on [tumblr](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/). I already have some ideas but also could use some help! There's one thing I do promise; they'll have a happy ending :)
> 
> Hopefully you've enjoyed reading <3


	9. Thursday 21:21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii!   
> I'm so sorry I wasn't able to post the last chapter last week, like I had promised. But when I started to write it, I got really carried away. When it started to be about 18k words, I realised I have to split it into two chapters. So, this one isn't the last chapter, just the beginning of the end :D 
> 
> I'm still writing the last chapter which I'll post as soon as possible. 
> 
> Songs that I listened to while writing were   
> London Grammar - Rooting For You   
> Ben Howard - Depth Over Distance  
> Banks - You Should Know Where I'm Coming From

Isak steps out first, holding the door open for Even. Their eyes lock, a small smile lingering on Isak’s lips. Even smiles, but looks down, feeling nervous around Isak. He closes his jacket, pulling his scarf higher. They walk out from the movie theatre, other people already gone before them. It’s silent, dark, cold, a breeze pinching Even’s cheeks and making them pink. Isak has his hands stuffed deep into his pockets to keep himself warm. Even breathes out a puff of warmth into the cool evening air, watching small atoms of grey circling in the air, in the glimmer of the street light. 

 

“What did you think of the movie?” Isak asks against his scarf, Even’s scarf, that he has wrapped around his neck loosely. 

“I think it was good, nice cinematography,” Even smiles, his eyes glancing towards Isak. He can see how Isak’s brows pull together, a glint of joy in his eyes. 

“You always use those words which sound so professional,” Isak snickers, the air from his mouth coming out in small gasps. Even smiles and tilts his head, rushing before Isak and turns around towards him. Isak lifts his head from his scarf, biting his lips together, wetting them. 

“Well, what did you think?” Even walks backwards, watching Isak think about what to say. 

“I liked the characters, the colours, the way they told the story,” Isak says, looking away, conscious of his own words and how he doesn’t use the same terms as Even knows. Even stops and reaches his hands out so Isak walks straight into them. 

“You’re completely right,” he smirks. Isak blushes, maybe from the way Even is standing so close or from the cold wind. His eyes light up, gaining confidence, making him tilt his head up towards Even. He leans closer, his chest touching Even’s. His hands wrap lightly around Even’s middle, his eyes looking up towards Even’s bright blue ones, the ones which look like the deepest sea in evening light and the freshest morning sky in the daylight. 

 

Even can feel Isak’s hands gripping his jacket, pulling Even closer. Even smiles gently, letting it dance on his lips. He closes his eyes, feeling his nose touch Isak’s. He slowly brings their lips together, feeling the warm air flowing from Isak’s mouth as Even tastes him. Isak is soft against him, his mouth tasting sweet from the candies they ate during the movie. 

The kiss is short lived, but still important. Isak’s eyes are wide, innocent, that green shimmering, before he lets out a breathless laugh. Even looks at him and time stops. It literally stops in Even’s mind. He’s looking at Isak, seeing Isak, feeling Isak gripping his shirt, Isak’s heart beating rapidly under his shirt, inside his chest, under the bones. Even can see the warm streetlight shining in Isak’s eyes, creating stars and taking Even somewhere else. Second after second, the time starts to move, getting faster and faster, moving forwards in lightyears. 

Isak’s arms loosen around Even, pulling away. Even steps back, his hands trying to take Isak’s, but he puts them back into his pockets. Even walks backwards for a moment longer, watching Isak turn his eyes towards the ground. Even sees Isak, his shoulders, his hands tucked into his pockets, his thighs, his knees, his shins, his feet walking forward. The ground, the same ground which carries them forward, but which takes their smiles away and creates a void. 

 

Even turns back around, waits for Isak to walk those couple of steps forward and then they walk side by side, silence falling in between them with the winter breeze. Even breathes, the cold filling his lungs, coming out as warmth. Even feels like there’s a wall between them, a wall which he can see through, Isak walking on the other side, his steps falling the same way as Even’s. But Isak can’t hear him, see him. 

He’s blind to the person who’s walking next to him. And that wall is their fight. They made up, kissed it good. But it didn’t take the problem away. There’s still things that needs to be solved, talked through, agreed on. And at the same time Even feels like he doesn’t know where to begin. What is the place, where he needs to see himself first, where he needs to start to unravel it all? 

And the wall, the silence between him and Isak, is becoming unbearable. They’ve been good, they’ve been together, they’ve laughed and held each other. But the wall keeps them apart and makes Even forget the way Isak held him before. The way Isak said his name before. The way Isak kissed him before. The way Isak looked at him before. The way he just was around Even. Now? He’s closed into a shell, behind that wall, floating somewhere far away and making Even feel alone in this place they’re in. 

He loves Isak even more he ever wished for, but here he is, walking next to his love, feeling heart broken and lonely. Even is trying to call for Isak, but he can’t hear. He can’t see through the smile either, which creeps up onto Even’s face when he sees Isak. Because he can’t keep it away. Every time he sees Isak, he smiles, and when Isak turns away, Even feels his façade breaking, chipping away into dust that blows away with the breeze. 

 

He looks up towards the sky, seeing faint stars here and there, trying to be brighter than the city lights. There’s a light touch against Even’s palm, which Even think he’s imagining. But when that one touch turns into five fingertips, one of them caressing the back of his hand, he looks down. Isak’s looking at their hands, their fingers when he entwines them together. The light touch, blazing deep in Even’s core is like the stars in the sky. 

The blaze is trying to stay alive, breathe in the cold wind that tries to fight with it. But there’s a cloud, which tries to extinguish it, rain down on the warmth. It tries to remind Even he can’t see the flame, there’s too much light around them. But the flame is still there, breathing, fighting, screaming, clawing its way towards the surface. Even looks up to see Isak’s face and he is met with a heart warming smile. And Even can’t fight off his own smile. 

 

They walk to Isak’s hand in hand, never saying any words. They still knowing they’re not alone, hearing the buzzing thoughts and feeling their arms brush against each other’s gently. Their footsteps sync together, creating a slow pattern of winter and heaviness, dragging against the ground. Their shoulders touch more strongly, jacket sleeves rustling against each other’s. 

Air puffing up in the air in grey clouds, dissolving into nothingness. Isak’s home towers in front of them way too quickly, and at the same time Even wishes they would’ve reached it sooner. They stand there, looking up towards the windows. Even knows he’s not going to stay over, like he hasn’t stayed over ever since the night Isak played Even’s guitar, making him sleep like he hadn’t slept in years. 

The next morning Isak walked him home, spent the day with Even, and like there would’ve been an unvoiced rule, he left when it was late enough. Late night cuddles have turned into goodnight kisses and texts, if they don’t even spend the evening together. 

 

“I had a nice evening,” Isak says quietly, avoiding Even’s eyes, which are trying to find some familiarity. Even touches his cheek, making Isak look up, and then turn his eyes away. 

“Me too,” Even chokes on the words. He knows Isak’s not going to ask him to come upstairs, not going to ask Even to spend the night at his. Even though Even can see how much Isak craves to be held by Even, touched by Even, he still stays silent, not giving in to his cravings. 

Isak breathes out a shuddering breath, keeping himself together. He wraps his arms around Even, tighter this time, burying his face against Even’s neck. And he breathes, creating an open wound on Even’s skin, which is hard to close. It lets out all his energy, his love, and Even can’t do anything about it. 

“I’ll see you in school tomorrow,” Isak says too quickly, letting go and stepping out of Even’s reach. He turns around, finding his keys from his pocket. He gives Even one last look, gives him a tight lipped smile and then he’s in through the door, getting away from Even. 

“I’ll see you,” Even mouths, wishing Isak will come back, run into his arms. When a good ten minutes has passed and Isak’s still not there, Even gives up. He tucks his hands into his pockets and walks home blinded by his longing for Isak. 

He’s greeted by his mum and dad, who are in the living room. They’re watching something, too invested in what’s going on in that TV series, rather than in the way Even says hi back, silent and tired. He takes off his jacket and scarf, toeing off his shoes and goes straight into the bathroom, closes the door and washes his face with cold water. He looks at himself in the mirror, water rolling down his skin in droplets, dripping from his chin. 

He wonders how his life has turned upside down. How he can’t open his mouth at all anymore, how he can’t even say he loves Isak anymore. He brushes his teeth, exhausted, feeling like he has given his all even though he hasn’t. He knows he could do so much more but he doesn’t know what that could be. 

 

When he gets into his room after saying goodnight to his parents, he undresses, not caring where his clothes land. He climbs into his bed and breathes. Breathes, and feels the loneliness, which almost feels like the new normal. His phone buzzes on his mattress, the screen lighting up with a new message. 

“ **I miss you** ,” it simply says, without questions or expectations. Just Isak trying to break through the wall. 

“ _I miss you too_ ,” Even types and watches how the message leaves his phone and reaches Isak, being read right away. There’s no answer. And the wall is thicker than before. 

 

\- - - -

 

Even has to run to catch the tram the next morning. He didn’t sleep well and when he finally did manage to close his eyes, it was already 4 in the morning. When his alarm went off, he wasn’t able to open his eyes so he only pressed the snooze button over and over. After being woken up every eight minutes, he couldn’t stand it anymore and just got up. 

Only three and a half hours of sleep, and here he is running towards the tram stop with his hair wet under his beanie and a banana in his hand. He can see the tram coming, daring him to run even faster, almost like he’d be competing against the vehicle. 

When he gets to sit down, he eats the fruit he was clutching in his hand, downing his pills with water. He has to be thankful he remembered to fill his water bottle yesterday. If he wouldn’t have, he would’ve needed to swallow his pills dry. His hammering heart calms down and can watch the city outside through the window. The sun is slowly rising, colouring everything in golden coldness. He takes off his beanie, trying to make his hair somehow presentable even though it’s still clearly wet from the quick shower he took. There’s really nothing to do to it, so he lets it be, wishing it will dry quickly. 

 

The school looks like always; the walls rising in pastel colours, people walking in, some staying outside to talk with their group of friends before going their separate ways. Even pulls the door open, letting himself inside. He climbs the stairs two at a time, sighing when he gets in front of his locker. He pulls out his maths book, not really in the mood for any mathematical equation. 

His mind is only thinking about Isak, who he knows he’ll see today at some point. But he’s dreading that moment. He wants to see Isak, but he wishes he could avoid it. He doesn’t know what to talk about with Isak, what to say to him or how to be around him. He feels the cold, isolated arms of distance, which welcome him into an embrace when he thinks about Isak. How they ended up here, where Even never thought they’d be. 

 

Even sets his book on the table, digs out his notebook and sits down, not hearing the others, who are already sitting in the classroom. He can’t see his friend Alex walking in, or sitting down next to him, hear his greeting and question of “how are you this morning?” He stares at the emptiness of the blackboard, imagining writing on the surface. White chalk covering the black with words, which could give him hope. Before he can think what those words could be, Alex pokes his shoulder with his fingers. 

“Hey, are you okay?” He smiles and it widens, when he sees Even’s shocked face. 

“How long have you been sitting here?” Even is taken aback by seeing his friend. How didn’t he even feel Alex sitting down. Today’s not going to be good, he knows it already. Walking like a zombie through the school corridors, he’s probably just going to end up somewhere where he’s not supposed. He’s going to sleepwalk through the day and notice that he was supposed to be somewhere only hours later. 

“Just a moment,” Alex smiles, opening his notebook. Even can see the neatly written numbers on the white page, realising he hasn’t even done his homework. 

“What’s going on? You seem like you wouldn’t be here at all,” Alex chuckles, but there’s a seriousness behind his blue eyes. Even really likes Alex, his relaxed outlook on life and friendliness. He knows Alex also has a wild side, which he has shown at parties last semester. Alex is also one of the people from Even’s russ group, getting sponsors and organising parties. Even has never been to one of their “events” and the whole group knows that Even doesn’t have it easy all the time. But Even has drawn some pictures, which they’re going to paint on the side of their bus. 

 

“Yeah, my head’s somewhere else, sorry,” Even smiles, opening his own notebook. He looks at the empty page in front of himself, knowing his homework should be written there. He doesn’t really care if he has done his homework or not, it is what it is at this point. 

“No need to apologise,” Alex pushes his notebook towards Even, offering him the answers to the math problems. 

“Do you want to talk about it? Does it have something to do with the guy from second year? What was he called…” He’s trying to find the right word from his memory, his eyes narrowing. 

“Iiiisak?” He looks at Even, tilting his head. Even nods, writing down as much as he can in this short time before their teacher comes into the classroom. 

“It’s just really hard right now… I don’t know, everything’s really fucked up,” Even sighs, his hand aching from trying to make it move faster than it can. 

“Did he do something?” Alex turns towards Even with his whole body, inspecting the way Even’s shoulders drop down when he lets out a sigh. 

“We fought a few weeks back and we made up. But now it’s just not right,” Even drops his pencil, combing his hair with his fingers. 

“Have you talked with him?” 

“That’s the problem, we don’t talk,” Even shrugs, and glances at Alex, who is clearly trying to come up with something which could help Even. His lips are pursed together and there’s a couple of worry lines on his forehead, as he pulls his brows together. 

“I think that’s the first step,” Alex says lifting his brows at Even, almost like Even wouldn’t have figured that out on his own. 

“Yeah, I know, do you have other great ideas?” Even says morosely. 

“Well, maybe you need to take a break?” 

“That’s like the first step towards a break up, so no,” Even shakes his head, picking his pencil up and starting to write again. 

“Not necessarily. When me and Lise where having a rough time and we were only fighting, we took a break just to figure things out on our own. After that it has been great and we can talk about anything really,” he points out, turning towards the front of the class. The teacher walks in, setting his papers on the desk and looking for something from the pile. 

 

“But we’re not even fighting,” Even says, nervous to admit he actually likes the idea of taking a break. But what would Isak think? That Even wants to break up just because they’re having a bit of a rocky time. 

“It doesn’t really matter, there’s still something wrong. You have to admit that you feel like you need space.” 

Even looks at him, thinking it through. Taking a break could be the only answer right now. Just to think everything through. Just to figure everything out. Just to take some distance. Alex smiles and takes his notebook from Even. 

 

“Good morning!” The teacher exclaims in front of the class, getting the students to calm down and leave their conversations for a better time. 

“Thanks,” Even whispers, thanking Alex not only for letting him copy Alex’s homework, but also giving Even something to think about. 

“No problem, amigo!” Alex looks proud of himself. He starts to listen to the lesson, raising his hand to give answers to the homework. But Even’s mind drifts somewhere else, into another class room, where Isak’s probably sitting just as confused and distracted as he is. Or then not. Maybe Isak has thought about what they could do too. Even starts to list down good and bad things about taking a break, instead of checking if Alex’s homework was done right and if he copied them correctly. 

 

_\+ I don’t know what to say_  
\+ We need to think things through   
\+ We’re both still hurt from the fight   
\+ We feel distant to each other   
\+ We could distance ourselves from this situation   
\+ We wouldn’t have to force ourselves to be together all the time and not talk 

_\- Isak_  
\- I’d miss him   
\- No kisses   
\- No dates   
\- No hugs   
\- The things Isak says   
\- Being close to him   
\- We wouldn’t see each other   
\- I love him and it’d hurt 

 

\- -

 

“You should come with us!” Alex enthuses, grabbing Even’s arm and pulling him along out from the class room. Even smiles at him, at his goofy voice. 

“C’mon man! You should come to the party! It’s going to be epic!” 

“When is it?” 

“Next week, Friday, you’d know if you’d read the group chat for the Grizzly Lions,” Alex looks at Even with his brows raised, fake blame in his eyes. But as quickly as it appears on his face, as soon it disappears and he’s smiling again, tugging Even along. 

“Think about it, it’d be fun if you’d be there. Maybe you could invite that boy of yours,” he lets go of Even’s arm, walking in front of Even. 

 

“Aren’t we going to eat?” Even asks him, when he walks past the cafeteria. 

“No?” Alex turns around and eyes Even suspiciously. Even stares at him back, wanting an answer. But he doesn’t need one, because then he remembers. 

“Oh fuck,” he sighs, his face turning up towards the ceiling. 

“Yeah, we have to finish our English presentation and practise it through together.” Even wouldn’t have needed that today. Like it wouldn’t already be stressful to be in school when his mind is somewhere else, now he has to put together a group presentation and he’d actually need a clear head for it.

“Let’s go, it’ll be done quickly and then we can go have lunch,” Alex signs him to come along with his hand, and Even follows. They walk side by side, Alex talking about the presentation. Even can’t even remember if he finished writing the parts he was supposed to work on. He knows he has it with him, but there was still something he needed to fix before this day. 

“Even, isn’t that Isak?” Alex stops at the top of the stairs before they start to walk down. Even looks at the way Alex discreetly points at and sees Isak climbing up with his head bowed down, listening to something Jonas is saying. Even bites his lips together and licks them, before he lets out a breath and they start walking again. 

 

“Hey,” he says, first to Jonas who sees him and Alex. Then his eyes find Isak, who looks almost scared. A smile appears, a nervous smile, a smile which didn’t expect to see Even, a smile which tells Even Isak wasn’t ready to face him just yet. And Even feels the same way. Isak sees Alex, who’s looking at the three in turns. 

“Uhhh, this is Alex. Alex, these are Isak and Jonas,” Even introduces, his hand signing towards the boys standing one step lower. 

“Nice to meet you,” Alex shakes Jonas’ hand, who smiles politely. When Alex reaches his hand out to Isak, he stares first at Alex and then at his hand, like Isak wouldn’t know what to do. Jonas is looking at his best friend, his eyes wide, confused of what’s going on and still knowing that there’s something going on. 

 

Isak shakes Alex’s hand, returning the “nice to meet you”. 

“Even has talked a lot about you,” Alex nods his head towards Even, who feels his cheeks blushing. Jonas chuckles and looks away, waiting for the awkward tension to fade away. 

“I might’ve mentioned you a few times,” Even smiles, seeing Isak relax. 

“Yeah, add a couple of hundred times more to that few and then we might agree,” Alex jokes, his easy persona making all of them laugh. 

“I’m going to go ahead already, see you in a bit,” Alex motions, saying byes to Isak and Jonas. He prances down the steps, while all three pairs of eyes are watching him. 

 

“See you in a bit?” Isak turns to Even, his smile turning into something resembling confusion and maybe even hurt. 

“I totally forgot we have to put together this English presentation so I’m not coming to eat just yet,” Even feels like he’s betraying Isak in a way. The wall keeps getting taller and thicker with every word and it’s made tougher by Isak nodding understandingly. 

“I guess we won’t see each other during lunch then?” Isak asks, his shoulders tense, his body holding in a breath filled with nerves. 

“I don’t know, I don’t think so. I don’t know how quickly we’re done,” Even bites his teeth together, his own blood buzzing with nerves as he’s looking at Isak. 

“Okay, well… I guess we’ll text later then,” Isak gives him a tight smile, starting to walk the steps up. Even stays behind, watching Isak’s back and hunched shoulders, when he makes the decision. 

 

“Isak?” He calls and Isak turns. 

“I’ll go already,” Jonas says, waving a hand as a goodbye to Even. He answers it with a smile, his eyes landing on Isak once again. 

“Can we go somewhere after school? What time does your last class end?” 

“Yeah, sure. I’ll be free at three.” 

“Okay, great, I’ll wait for you outside,” Even smiles, his feet stepping down. Isak nods, going up. The distance between them gets bigger, and Even feels like he doesn’t even know who Isak is anymore. He’s just this cute guy from second year, who he has dreamed of, who he has imagined to be part of his life and imagined him loving Isak. He still does, but is love supposed to hurt like this? This much that when he looks at the other person, he’s in agony, being crushed by the feeling of feeling too much. Is it too much? 

“I’ll see you later,” Even says and Isak doesn’t answer, just gives Even another smile and then he goes, his hands in his pockets again. Even watches him as long as he can see him. The last thing Even can see is his backpack when he goes behind the corner into the cafeteria. Even turns around, walking the steps down slowly, gripping the railing to keep himself upright. He has to get his head together so he won’t mess the rest of the day with his thoughts of Isak and how they’re crumbling apart piece by piece.

 

\- - 

 

Even waits by the fence, watching people stream out through the school doors. He sucks in the warmth of the sun, which was shining brightly, already turning to set down for the day. He has his jacket open, the light heating the dark fabric. He checks the time on his phone, 15:08. He looks up towards the group of people walking out from school, laughing and full of life because it’s Friday. On Monday those same faces will look tired and like those same people will be ready to give up. And the same will repeat itself week after week. 

He starts to write a text to Isak, trying to come up with the right words. He doesn’t want to sound too demanding, but he doesn’t want to be too vague either. He doesn’t want to be too soft, but not too hard. He just wants to see Isak. He has no idea what they’re going to talk about but the list of pros and cons of taking a break is fresh in his mind. He types letters, then deletes them, feeling like a needy boyfriend, who still doesn’t know how to act around his love. It’s all just too awkward and too weird. 

 

“Hey,” he hears, making him lift his eyes from his phone to see Isak walking over, a bit breathless, his cheeks a bit pink. 

“Sorry I’m late, the teacher wanted to talk to me about my homework which I returned last night,” he says, his feet hesitating to stand still or come forward. Even decides it for him and hugs Isak close, Isak’s other hand wrapping around his neck. Even can feel Isak breathing against his skin and pulling away too quickly. Even smiles at him, feeling a bit better after being hugged by Isak rather than just seeing him. 

“Was everything alright?” Even asks him, while he starts to lead the way. 

“Not really, I have to do it again because I hadn’t explained some things enough and some things I had just copied from the book. But I don’t have to worry about it today, I just have to return it by Monday.” He walks next to Even, clutching the strap of his backpack with his hand. Even would like to take Isak’s hand into his but it’s not like Isak has them hiding in his pockets. But he also knows Isak doesn’t really need to hold his backpack to make it stay on his back. So, he sighs, while they run out of things to talk about. 

 

“How was the presentation?” Isak asks, glancing towards Even and then ahead when Even looks back. 

“Hmh?” Even finds himself from his own little world of doubt. He’s not really focusing on anything else other than the thoughts that run through his head. The thing he’s about to suggest to Isak. 

“The English presentation, did you finish it?” 

“Oh, yeah, we did, it turned out good,” Even replies, forgetting every word he says right as they leave his mouth. 

“Great!” Isak sounds happy, making Even look his way. He can see a smile that is dulling down quickly. Even just doesn’t know what to say or what to do, how he could make that smile stay on Isak’s face a bit longer. So, he doesn’t do anything, just tries to hide a hopeless sigh into his scarf, while they walk in silence. They didn’t mind the silence before, it was comfortable, easy. Now it’s filled with tension and Even would just want to run away and not look back. The silence and the things it represents are suffocating and exhausting, like the wall between them. And it affects everything. It makes his feet heavy, like his shoes would be made of concrete. His every limb feels like they’re broken. And he feels nauseous when he even thinks about what is happening to him and Isak. 

 

“Where are we going?” Isak asks, when they’ve walked for a while already. He’s trying to search for some clues, look around them, when Even remembers he’s not alone. 

“There,” he points out towards a row of benches, looking over a park. 

“I haven’t been here before,” Isak remarks, closing his jacket. Even smiles lightly, slowing his steps while Isak keeps walking, finding a place for them to sit. He looks back, waiting for Even to reach him before they both can sit down. He sets his backpack on the ground next to his feet, looking at the other people here. A few kids are sledding down the hill, running up again and again when they get down. It’s quiet, even though there’s people around, not just Isak and Even. That’s what Even likes in this place.

“I’ve been here quite often,” Even says and looks at the careless children, laughing with their high voices. He sometimes wishes he could still be a young child, rather than a 20-year-old who has to take care of himself and who has responsibilities. Sometimes he wishes he wouldn’t have to care so much, he could just see and learn and be and do the things he likes. He feels Isak’s eyes on him and when he turns to look at Isak, he finds Isak smiling, his eyes bright. He’s not asking it, but he’s waiting to hear more. 

 

“I usually come here to think,” Even says, his eyes drifting back to the kids. It’s easier to look at them rather than Isak right now. 

“When I have a lot on my mind and I feel like I can’t be home, but I don’t want to be too close to others,” he quietly explains, breathing in the fresh February air. 

“When last year we had met and I was still with Sonja… I came here often to think what I was going to do.” 

Isak slowly turns to look at the kids too. Even can feel the mood shift. Of course Isak has known it’s not going well between them, but this place somehow tells them both they’re going to do something to either save or destroy their relationship. 

“This is the first time I’m here this year,” Even smiles to himself, feeling at ease. This place has always been dear to him. He came here already when he was a child, maybe even sled down the hill like the kids right now. He can only remember the summers, when him and his mum and dad came here for picnics or he came here to play football with his friends. Then he grew out of that. He didn’t come here to do something, he came here to sit and watch others. To think and figure things out. 

 

“We’re not fine,” Isak mumbles, his whole upper body deflating and he looks down, his hands clasped together between his legs. 

“No,” Even agrees and they don’t say anything, they just know. 

“I don’t even know what’s going on, why it’s like this,” Even continues, wishing Isak could say something, which could bring some light into it all. But when he doesn’t reply, Even looks his way, seeing Isak’s empty eyes, watching the kids. He looks pale and Even knows he hasn’t slept well. 

“I feel like I can’t be myself around you anymore,” Isak suddenly blurts out, his eyes turning towards Even. They’re wide, filled with doubt, almost fear. Then he looks away slowly, one part of Even at a time. 

“I don’t know what I should say or if I can touch you or if I even want to be touched by you,” he admits, quieter, swallowing hard. Even doesn’t know how to answer, it only hurts to know how Isak feels. And how they’ve kept going for a week, like everything would be fine, when everything’s more like a mess after a hurricane. 

“I can’t focus on anything anymore, I just think how this doesn’t feel right,” Isak breathes out, hopeless, weak, like this could be an end. 

“I don’t know how to be,” he turns towards Even again, waiting for an answer, even needing it. But when Even looks at him, he doesn’t know what to say or how to say anything. Isak just said the things which have been on his mind, how he can’t be himself and how he doesn’t know how to be around Isak. How it’s all just so weird. 

 

“I don’t think we really made up when we supposedly did,” Even only says, almost happy to say it out loud. This is the only meaningful conversation they’ve had all week and it’s good to say these things out loud even though they’re the hardest things to say face to face. 

Isak just shakes his head slowly and closes his eyes. He breathes deeply, letting all the tension drift out from his body. Then he looks up towards the sky and opens his eyes, seeing the birds flying over them in a small flock. 

 

“What do we do?” He asks, his eyes landing on Even again, who is afraid to say the thing he has on his mind to Isak. He can’t stop thinking how Isak will feel, if Isak will think Even is giving up on them. Or if Isak will think it’s a good idea. If he has thought about the same thing. He also knows he can’t back down now. He has to do this, no matter what, for both of their sake. 

“Do you think we need to think things out on our own?” Even asks tentatively, his eyes trying to recognise the reaction Isak is giving him. The way Isak is looking at him, kind of staring, his eyes emptying of all emotions… Even thinks he did the wrong decision when he thought a break was a good idea. It clearly isn’t. 

“What do you think we need to figure out?” 

“Maybe the things we fought about? I know I have to somehow get myself together and be more open about things. And get that Sonja thing out of my system. I don’t know…”

“Do you think you need to do something with Sonja?” When she creeps into the conversation, Isak’s face twists. He’s clearly unsure of himself, scared even. 

“Not like I’d want something to happen with her. But I have to make peace with myself about it, about her. I just don’t know what I could do to make that happen. I think I just need some closure.” 

 

They stare at each other, both trying to find the right words to say. Almost like this would be a game of chess, where every move counts. 

“If you think those, then I’m going to think about some things too…” Isak says determinedly, letting out a breath and he straightens his back. 

“Like what?” 

“I want to spend more time with mum. I don’t know about dad, but I want to do something about it.” Even looks at him, feeling his chest tightening. 

“Don’t do it because you feel like I’m demanding you to introduce your parents to me, please,” Even shakes his head, just wishing that’s not why Isak would confront a thing which is so hard for him. 

“No! I’m doing this for myself, because they’re my parents.” Isak looks a bit taken aback, almost offended. But then he smiles gently, his eyes brave, but still so scared. Even feels like a fool. Of course Isak’s doing it because they’re his parents. Not only because Even is interested in meeting them. 

“I’m proud of you,” Even tells Isak, who smiles a bit wider. But a dark cloud comes over his head and makes the smile go away. 

 

“There’s also something else…” Isak looks away for the first time. He bites his lower lip, looking at the kids. 

“When you told me that you feel like I’m still in the closet…” Even thinks his whole soul breaks into pieces. He tries to fight the tears, because he never wanted this to happen. That he’d make Isak feel insecure about something, which is still new to him and when he knows Isak is still insecure about himself sometimes. When he’s still insecure about coming out, even though the most important people around him know already.

“I might need to talk with someone about it, how it didn’t completely happen in my terms… Coming out...” Isak’s voice shakes, slows down, and hits Even like nails from a nail gun. 

 

“I never wanted to hurt you like that,” Even wishes Isak believes him. He can never understand or forgive himself how he said something so hurtful. How he slapped Isak’s face with words, which left scars deep in his flesh and bones. Which left him bleeding and even more insecure. 

“I know you didn’t…” Isak only mumbles, still not looking at Even. 

“I still need to talk with the right people, who were involved… I need to settle this, get it over with. I have to move forward, because it’s still in my mind even though it happened months ago,” then Isak looks up, hurt clear in his face, his green eyes still fighting for him, saying how he is true to himself and honest to others. But how he’s not okay. 

“How do you want to do this, then?” Isak asks, wanting to move on. He’s shutting the subject into a room, out of Even’s reach, and telling him to move forward.

 

“I’ve been thinking about… A break?” Even asks. Right as the words leave Even’s mouth, Isak takes in a breath.

“How would it work then?” 

“I don’t know, how do you think it could work?” Even really doesn’t know. When he took a break with Sonja, he knew they were breaking up. This break is about them taking some time and space, just to make them stronger again. 

“What if we take a two week break, no communication, no nothing. Then we’ll meet somewhere in two weeks,” Isak says, like he would’ve already thought it through. Maybe he had, maybe he likes the idea of a break. Maybe he needs it as much as Even does. 

“So, we can’t send each other texts or call each other?” 

“No,” Isak firmly confirms. 

“How about school, we can’t avoid each other there?” 

“Well, we just don’t say anything to each other or hang out.”

 

“Do you think we can do it?” The answer to Even’s question doesn’t come out as fast as the other answers Isak gave him. He looks away, towards the children, who are now trying to build something out of the snow. But there’s too little snow or it’s too icy for building. 

“I don’t know, but I think we have to try,” Isak admits, looking back at Even. 

“If we can’t do it, then we have to just end it,” Isak says and purses his lips together. End it? As in… 

“You mean we have to break up?” Even can feel the cracks in his heart. That’s the last thing he wants to do, he doesn’t want to lose Isak. 

“No, no! We have to end the break! What, no! I don’t want to break up!” Isak huffs out, his eyes shocked. Even lets out a relieved breath, seeing Isak mirroring him. 

“Me neither,” Even tells him. Isak reaches his hand towards Even’s face, his palm coming to rest against Even’s cheek. 

“We won’t,” he assures and the way Isak says it, just the quiet confidence in his voice, tells Even to calm down. Even though he thought about it first, that a break could be a good thing, now that it’s actually happening, he finds himself feeling more and more desperate for Isak to be there. He doesn’t know if he’ll survive these two weeks, even though he knows it’s a good idea. They need it. 

 

“Where do we meet then, after two weeks?” Even asks. Isak pulls his hand back and Even feels coldness hitting his cheek right away. 

“At mine, I can ask the others to go somewhere else for the evening so we can talk in peace.” 

“What time?” 

“Is six okay?” Even nods. 

 

They stare at each other, not knowing what to do now. Or what to say. Are they supposed to say something else? Or do something else before taking a break? Are there some rules they don’t know about? 

Isak suddenly gathers his things and stands up. He puts his backpack on his back, and then his eyes find Even, standing with their legs pressed together. 

“Two weeks, we can do it, right?” 

“Yeah, we can.” 

“Let’s just give each other space,” Isak reasons. Even feels like he’s the younger one here, the one who is feeling unsure about their decision. That Isak is the one who can actually pull through and Even is the one who is going to call him during a weak moment. But then, they’re doing this because it can do good for them. They can think about things, be happy again. If they won’t do this, they might be even unhappier than before they came into this park. 

 

So, Even nods. He nods and he looks at Isak, memorising this moment so he can do this. He can pull through. Isak leans down, his forehead against Even’s. Even closes his eyes, feeling Isak’s hands on his neck. He waits for the kiss Isak gives him, but he’s surprised by the urgency of it. The pure longing he can taste on Isak’s tongue. Isak slowly lets their lips part, like he could make the kiss longer as long as he’s close to Even. His hands slip from Even’s neck, making Even open his eyes. Isak is standing upright, a smile on his face. 

“Two weeks. And then on Friday we’ll meet, at six,” he says, trying to breathe steadily. Even nods, feeling a tear slip from his eye. 

“I love you, Isak,” he says. He has to say it. He can’t let Isak leave without him knowing that he’s loved and not like this is the time when they can’t say it out loud. 

“I love you,” Isak simply says, his thumb brushing the tear from Even’s cheek. Isak looks like he wants to say something else too, something important, something meaningful. 

 

“Bye,” that’s not what Even was hoping to hear. But Isak backs away and when Even says a weak “bye” back, he turns around and walks away. Even looks at him, like in the stairs earlier today. He watches as long as he can see Isak, as long as he can still feel Isak on his skin, still taste Isak’s lips against his own. 

But then the moment comes. The moment when Even knows he’s alone, that this is the start of a two week break for them. The air feels colder and the kids aren’t laughing anymore. They’ve left, like Isak. That’s the moment when Even knows it’s going to be hard. 

 

He stays in the park until the sun has gone down and the evening starts to freeze his skin. His limbs are stiff when he stands up and starts to walk. But on the way home, he knows why they’re doing this. That now it’s his chance to do something about this feeling he has. To this feeling of being lost even though he’s right here, living and breathing and feeling. 

Now it’s the time for him to do something, which can ease his mind and give himself and Isak a real chance. That this is him trying to make a relationship work, because he wants that and he wants to be with Isak, not just now, or next week, or next month. But maybe even after years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm being dramatic as you can see, but I promise, the last chapter is not going to be as hopeless as this one. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has given me kudos and left me a comment and shared your thoughts with me, it means so much! Thank you, thank you, T H A N K Y O U !
> 
> Like I've said before, leave me a comment and kudos if you feel like it :) You can also come and talk to me on [tumblr](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/)!   
> And, there's also a [tumblr post](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/post/157161036023/all-the-time-i-dream-of-you-wow-even-breathes) you can share :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people! 
> 
> Long time no see! It has been too long since I've been here, even though I said I'd update this as soon as I can. Well, this is the soonest I could. I wanted to make it right and wrote certain things over and over again, just trying to find the right way to finish this story. 
> 
> But here it is! A 37+k chapter isn't usually something I do, but apparently it happened. I hope you all enjoy <3
> 
> /// 
> 
> And, as always, there's music! 
> 
> Christine And The Queens - Paradis Perdus  
> Rag 'n' Bone Man - As You Are  
> James Blake - DLM  
> Donna Summer - I Feel Love  
> David Gray - Smoke Without Fire  
> Christine And The Queens - It  
> Lana Del Rey - Love  
> Prince - Purple Rain  
> Ben Howard - Promise  
> The Virgins - Love Is Colder Than Death  
> RAYE - I, U, Us

Saturday. 13 days. 312 hours. 18 720 minutes. 1 123 200 seconds. And counting. 

The first weekend is the hardest. His hands are itching from wanting to text Isak so badly, ask how he's doing, how he's sleeping. If at all. Because Even feels like he has never slept worse, even though he has gone through rougher times. Now he can't even close his eyes even though he's mentally exhausted. But his body wants someone close, just to hold or to hold him. His body aches for closeness and intimacy, he aches for someone to breathe against his skin, drag their hands across his skin, through his hair. 

He misses Isak's eyes and his voice, he needs them. He tries to imagine Isak next to him, sleeping close and with his face against Even's pillow. He tries to imagine Isak talking about his day or about his friends or just telling something he saw outside. He misses planning things with Isak and doing things with him. But the person he's imagining appears only as a ghost, voiceless, colourless. It blends into the walls, never there when Even would need it the most. He even misses the texts Isak sends. The heart emojis and silly jokes or just asking if Even wants to hang out. Now Even can only read through their old texts, wishing he'd get a new one. But there's no new messages. 

 

Saturday and Sunday go by in a blur filled with homework and staring at his phone and the pictures of Isak he has moved into the folder ‘love’. He tries to help his mum organise some old photos into photo books, but loses his interest quickly. His mum offers if he'd like to watch a movie instead and while she puts the photos into their rightful places, Even watches some older movie he has seen at least ten times. He doesn't even have to focus on it, he just stares at it, while his mind drifts to think about Isak. 

He helps his dad cook, but gets distracted while cutting onions and he cuts too much, suddenly finding a pile of 6 onions on the chopping board. So, he sends Even to set the table and then to do his homework, and Even does as he's told. But when he's about to start doing his homework, he realises he already finished everything. He opens his window and stares outside, breathing in the fresh air, thinking what Isak is doing right now. If he's missing Even as much as Even is missing him? How is Isak coping? Is he doing as much as he can to take his mind off of not contacting Even? 

 

During the weekend Even thought that taking a break was a bad idea. That nothing good can come out of this. That they should not be suffering through a break. But then he remembers they both agreed to do this. They both agreed they have a problem and they need space. They need to let go for a moment and come back to each other's arms feeling just a bit stronger. They need this, their relationship needs this. They can't become too dependent on each other, because that could only be more harmful in the future. They have to be able to be themselves and also independent, not just Isak and Even, but _Isak_ and _Even_. They have to be able to be apart so they can be even better together. 

 

11 days. 264 hours. 15 840 minutes. 950 400 seconds. And counting. 

When Monday arrives, Even doesn't really know if he should try to avoid Isak even though that's not part of their plan. He's just not sure if he can see Isak, maybe hear his voice, when he's missing Isak this much. He's not sure if he can contain himself if Isak is there in the same room as him. So, he makes a deal with himself; he will not go to the places where they usually hang out together. He'll find new places, see what it's like from another perspective. Maybe it could even help him find the answers to his questions which he wanted to figure out during this break. But he'll not avoid Isak consciously, because that'd be childish. If he sees Isak somewhere, then so be it. He just has to suck it up and move on, wait for the two weeks and then he can throw himself at Isak. 

He eats his lunch outside with Alex and Erik, who is also from his class and part of their russ group Grizzly Lions. He's the type who thinks things through. And he’s always hyped about a new gig he's going to every week. Like Alex, he makes people smile or laugh. And when you combine those two guys together, you get mayhem, but a good mayhem. It hugs you and it tickles your sides, making you squirm with happiness. There's always some trouble involved, but you can't really think about that when your whole face hurts from smiling so much. 

When Even is with them, he actually forgets Isak and their break for a moment. They're in his mind, in his subconsciousness, but when he's actually talking with his friends, he can do something normal for a moment. Even hasn't told them about his and Isak's break, but do they even need to know? Maybe not, even though they know a lot about their relationship. 

Even has found himself sharing things about Isak, he thinks everyone should know. How funny he is and how cute he is. How generous and caring he is. How he tries to do the right thing and how he doesn't seem like a 17 year old, but much older, like he'd have a lot more life experience than anyone can expect. And that's when Even's friends found out Even is also head over heels for Isak. 

 

He's stuffing his face with a sandwich when the party next Friday makes its way into the conversation again. Even hasn't been to a great party in a while; in one of those where you have to shout to get heard or where there's so much people that you don't know how you're going get through the crowd. He does like parties but now that he thinks of it, he doesn't know what it'll be like when he can't share it with the person he loves. 

He hasn't been to a good old house party with Isak, ever, and he'd very much like to share that with him. Isak has told him about the times he has been drunk or high, but Even hasn't actually seen Isak drunk. Even knows he gets clingy when he's drunk. The only thing he wants to do is cuddle and kiss and hold someone so close he loses track of his own limbs and finds himself so lost in the other person that he doesn't know where he starts and the other person ends. 

He'd like to be like that with Isak, even though being drunk isn't the best choice. But he'd like to lose control sometimes, not when it's connected to his illness, but with normal life where a twenty year old drinks too much at a party and then can't keep his hands off of his boyfriend. 

 

"Earth to Even!" Erik shouts, startling him. He finds both Alex and Erik chuckling, suggestive looks on their faces. 

"Are you thinking about your man? What dirty things did you do this weekend to get you so distracted?" Erik teases, his nose scrunching with his silly smile. 

"We decided to take a two week break so no, nothing dirty... just missing him." 

 

Alex and Erik look at Even, their smiles dropping like they'd both be slapped across their faces, hard. Alex leans forward, his mouth opening, confusion settling on his face. 

"A break? You really went through with it?" 

"We agreed it's a good decision. We just need space to think a couple of things through." Even shrugs, seeing how his friends share a glance through the corners of their eyes. 

"What? We do think it's a good thing to do right now!" Even defends them, his and Isak's decision, because he still thinks it's a good thing. Though, there is that doubtful side that is making him question if it was that great of a thing to do. Especially now when he sees Erik and Alex almost shocked, sharing a look of "does he really think it's a good idea". The side that is fighting against the break is getting louder. 

 

"It's good if you think it's a good thing, I guess we're just a bit..." Alex is looking at Erik, trying to find the right word. 

"Surprised?" Erik suggests, his eyes watching Even carefully. 

"Yeah, surprised. I didn't actually think you could do it." 

"We talked and we found that to be something we both wanted." 

 

"How are you going to come off the break then?" Erik's eyes narrow, his own sandwich forgotten in his hands. 

"We are not going to see each other or talk during the next two weeks. And then we're going to meet at Isak's and talk," Even looks at them both, his eyes drifting from Erik to Alex. They're both listening intently, waiting to hear more. But Even doesn't give them anything else, he can't give them more, because even he doesn't know what is going to happen after the break. 

"I think that sounds like a very mature way of dealing with your problems, what ever they are," Alex says, Erik agreeing by nodding his head.

 

"How are you not going to see each other, you go to the same school?" 

"We're just not going to spend any time together. And we're not avoiding each other if that's what you're thinking. We're just not intentionally hanging out or talking with each other." 

"What about the party on Friday?" Erik asks, looking even a bit more shocked than he was before. 

"What about it?" 

"You're not going to invite him to the party and we want to hang out with him!" 

"You'll have plenty of more chances, this is just temporary," Even gives him a reassuring look. Erik puts his hand on his chest dramatically, sighing deep. Even rolls his eyes at him, but can't keep his own smile off his face. 

 

"But what if you decide to break up?" Alex doesn't look as amused as Erik and Even do. And the question makes Even's heart heavy, because that's also on his mind. What if? 

"We didn't take this break to think if we want to be together or not, just to figure a few things out and then we're going to talk together about them," Even reasons, seeing how his words aren't convincing either of his friends. And Even's not convinced either. 

We just need space, Even says to himself. We just need to think about the things which clearly bother us, he says to himself. We're going to be fine, he says. But _what if_? When Even is going to meet Isak, what if Isak will look happier than he's ever been? What if he looks like he actually wants to keep the break going, just for a few more weeks? What if he says that he realised he needs to be alone? What if Isak won't even open the door for Even but breaks it off just like that, never answering Even again? 

 

"Do you really think it's a good idea?" Erik narrows his eyes, leaning a bit forward, concerned. 

"Yes, I do!" Even huffs, his whole body deflating with the force he says the words. 

"And no, I don't," he sighs, looking at his sandwich. He feels nauseous, not wanting to think about eating at all. He wraps it with the paper he bought it in, and stuffs it into his backpack. He'll give it to someone who needs it more. 

 

"You need to remind him that you exist!" Erik stands up, stuffing the last pieces of his sandwich into his mouth and he munches on that for a moment, letting Even wait. 

"Just let him know that you still exist, that you're here even though you're not seeing each other or talking or whatever. Just do something!" He opens his mouth, coming up with quirky ideas. 

"I don't think he'll forget me that easily..." Even raises his brows at him, knowing that Isak won't do that. Even can be insecure about himself but this is one thing he quite surely knows. 

"No but like, remind that you're here trying and that you want it to work." 

"That's the point of the whole break, Erik," Even doesn't really know what Erik is after with these small enthusiastic exclamations. He looks like he has gone into a trans, where he can come up with weird ideas. 

"I know, I know. But you clearly miss him and he must miss you too, there's just nothing you can do to ease the missing. So, you could do some small gestures to maybe make you both feel a bit better? Did you ever do something that you haven't done in a while?" Erik is getting a bit too jumpy, and a bit too excited for a Monday. Even exchanges looks with Alex and then they're both looking at Erik again. 

"C'mon! I know you're thinking about it!" He jumps into a small squat, his hands in front of him like he would've dropped an ice cream cone and he knows he's not going to catch it. So, he just stands there, watching it drop and smash on the ground, almost like he'd have some magical powers to make it rise back up without touching the dirty ground. 

 

But Even has to admit, the idea does sound actually pretty nice. And they talked nothing about other ways to "communicate" than talking and seeing each other. And the first thing Even thinks of are the drawings he gave to Isak last autumn. It seems like it happened such a long time go, but he can still remember when he drew them and what they were about. Does Isak still have them? It'd be weird to see them again, especially now when those drawings were so full of tension and secrets and hiding and effort to create something, which back then seemed like a dream. Like it'd never happen or be true. 

The conversation about parallel universes and infinities echoes in Even's mind, making him also remember why he never liked the idea of them. That it's only you and your head and you get freaked out by it. He still does. But because Isak liked the idea, he wanted to think about them in a way which would appeal to him. But also, because in that other universe they might not be this messed up. That Even would be okay; actually happy and he wouldn't need to hide all the time. He could be something more, and not feel like he's bound to being mentally ill, even though he knows how to live with it already. 

He doesn't really know how to live his life anymore, if he wouldn't have a mental illness. He can't remember his life before he was diagnosed, because it all seems so distant now. That that person was someone else, and now he can actually be the person he truly is. He has come to accept his life as it is, even though he hates it sometimes. That he has to go through something that doesn’t make sense at all sometimes, or that other people won't understand him because of his illness. And then there is Isak, who told him he's not alone. 

 

Even hits his head against an imaginary wall. Isak actually said that; "you're not alone". And Even has closed his eyes, has been doubting Isak and what he thinks of Even and if he just thinks Even is a crazy person who can't function. Isak has been here, is here, no matter what. Yeah, Even has been blind. And he had to have a conversation with Erik to find that out. For fucks sake. 

"I think you're right," Even finally says, letting Erik from his anxiousness and he breaks into a smile. He cheers, his hands flying up in the air like he would've won something. His enthusiasm catches Even and Alex, who also stand up. 

"Let's get to class," Alex grabs Erik's jacket sleeve and pulls him along, Even chuckling behind them. 

 

And that's when Even sees him. Isak, on the other side of the yard, standing in a small circle with Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas. And he looks miserable. He looks like he hasn't slept at all during the weekend. But he's smiling. So, there might be something good, but it's mostly bad, Even can tell. 

Alex and Erik don't notice how Even's feet start to drag against the ground and how his eyes are glued to Isak, who looks like he might fall asleep while standing. Even would want to run to him, wrap him into a tight hug and hold him until he has gotten enough energy to keep on with his day. But he can't. 

He sees Jonas looking at his way, maybe Jonas is not even looking at him. Wrong. Isak's eyes land on Even and they stare, across the yard, longing and wanting and Even can feel tension prickling his skin. And it's not the bad kind of tension. Isak offers a shy smile, his cheeks colouring light pink. Even answers him, nodding his head slowly, never letting go of Isak's gaze. 

He can see the wall between them crumbling, piece by piece. And seeing Isak like this gives him a bit more hope, that this is going to work out after all. It's not all lost, they have hope, a lot of it. Seeing Isak wouldn't be like this, all butterflies and shyness and blushing and feeling like seeing Isak and locking eyes with him for the first time. This is real hope, pushing Even forward, knowing they'll get through this even though it's hard now. But there's going to be something good. 

He just has to do something to remind Isak of the hope they have. He has to be the one to do something, because Isak has given so much already. 

 

Even sees Erik and Alex standing by a door, signing him to hurry or they'll be late. Even jogs to them, hoping Isak will still be there when he turns to see him before he has to go inside. And when Even turns, before he has to go in through the door, there Isak is, that soft smile still on his lips, his eyes heavy with sleep, but his whole being radiating hope and love. 

Even smiles a bit wider, seeing Isak bowing his head down while trying to hide his own growing smirk. Even shakes his head before he steps inside, feeling almost giddy. And he sure is happy that he saw Isak because now he knows why they're doing this whole break thing. And that's because they love each other. 

 

\- - - -

 

When Even sets foot on the school property, he feels nervous, energised and determined. He slept almost well, if you don't count the 20 times he woke up through the night. Still, he does feel like he actually slept rather than twisted and turned in his bed, frustrated how he couldn't sleep like he was supposed to. 

This time he wasn't able to sleep because Isak was with him in his dreams. Every little glimpse he woke up to had something to do with Isak. And every time when he opened his eyes, he was either trying to hug Isak tightly against his chest, holding his pillow instead or trying to caress Isak's face but was actually caressing the wall. 

He had to laugh at himself for his vivid dreams, but at least it wasn't like he saw dreams about them having sex. Then it would've been awkward if he would've moaned out Isak's name, rather than whispered it quietly in his sleep. Though, he is sure he's going to have some steamy dreams about Isak at some point, like it wouldn't have happened earlier. 

 

When he thinks about his night, he doesn't feel bad or sad that he didn't sleep that tightly. No. It was only because he was so excited for today. After he had finished homework the day before, he had started to doodle a picture for Isak. 

A drawing of parallel universes; the thing that amazes Isak and interests him. There's those two boxes. In the other, in reality, Isak is laying in his bed, alone, his face heavy with lonesomeness. But in that other box, in their own little parallel universe, he's in Even's arms, his eyes closed and a content smile on his face. He was trying to draw the soft smile Isak gave him yesterday but isn't quite sure if he managed to capture the true feeling behind it. 

 

Even remembers Isak has PE first, so that's where he goes. He sees Isak through the glass window in the door, playing basketball with a few other students. Even knows he has to be quick because no one can see he's here. 

He sneaks into the changing room, his eyes zooming the clothes on the wall. He spots Isak's jacket easily, remembering how the black, thick winter jacket feels against his palms. He takes the drawing from his own pocket and puts it next to Isak's phone. Just as he's peeking into the pocket, the screen lights up with a new notification. Even knows he shouldn't do it, but his curiosity is taking the best of him. 

His better, more sensitive side is telling him to stop, but the rebellious, more nosy side of him is only encouraging him. The phone feels heavy on his palm and he presses the home button. 

From mum: "let me know what time you finish school today, hugs, mum." That's the message in its whole glory on the screen. Knowing that Isak is actually talking with his mum again makes Even feel incredibly proud of Isak, happy that he's trying to connect with his mum again. Of course, Even doesn't know how it's going with Isak and his dad, but maybe the relationship with Isak and his mum matters the most. 

Even puts the phone back into Isak's pocket, makes sure the drawing is there, neatly folded in half. He feels adrenaline pumping through his body, making him leave the room even faster than he came in. He smiles to himself, running the stairs down, thinking how Isak will see the drawing and maybe first be confused. Even can't know what Isak will think of the drawing, if he even likes that Even drew it for him. But Even likes to think Isak will be gladly surprised. 

 

\- - - - 

 

7 days, 168 hours, 10 080 minutes. And counting. 

A week has passed, a week to go. Even has given Isak a new drawing every day now since Tuesday; a parallel universe where they're walking on the street together, rather than Isak alone. A parallel universe where they're sledding down that hill in the park rather than Isak sitting on the bench alone. Today he gave Isak a drawing, where in their own little parallel universe they're cooking something together, rather than Isak pouring himself a bowl of cereal because he's too tired to cook anything special, or well, anything at all. 

Even hasn't seen how Isak has reacted to those drawings, because he has broken into Isak’s locker and once even managed to sneak into the class room where Isak had left his backpack, ready to receive another drawing. Still, Even hasn't heard from anyone if Isak thinks they're nice. 

The worst part of this break right now is that Even doesn't know if Isak likes to get these small things from Even, if he thinks it's appropriate. So Even tries to forget it even though it's damn hard. He’s sitting in class, thinking about Isak and if he’s smiling. He’s thinking about Isak looking at the drawings, maybe keeping them all to himself. Or then not. 

Even walks in a daze, nervous to think he could bump into Isak at any moment. He’s so nervous that he feels like a violin string. His eyes are alert, watching everyone and everything, that comes his way. He hears everything and nothing at the same time, getting him more anxious. He doesn’t really even know why he’s so nervous. Is it actually about Isak? 

 

He reaches his locker, opening it and looking inside, trying to find his notebook for Norwegian. He has to take some other books out first, before he can pull the notebook out, trying to balance everything while trying not to let anything fall from his hands. 

“Even!” Daniel’s hand slaps Even’s shoulder, startling him. He can feel the books slipping from his hands, while he’s still trying to pull his notebook out. It’s stuck! He makes a strangled noise, his face twisting when he feels his books leaving his arms. At the same time his notebook gives in and with a rip, the cover comes off and the notebook flies against his chest. He has to catch his breath for a moment, while Daniel laughs next to him. 

“I didn’t know you were the scaring kind,” he says, helping Even by picking the books from the floor. 

“Sorry, I wasn’t really paying attention to anything other than getting this damn notebook,” he waves it in his hand, the cover flapping against the pages, ripped in half, the other still in his locker. 

“I heard about you and Isak, you okay?” Daniel leans against the lockers, watching Even blow air through his mouth. 

“So, the news has reached you too?” Even raises his brows at Daniel, who tilts his head. 

“I would’ve heard it eventually anyway,” he says, mocking look on his face. 

“And Alex and Erik have big mouths,” Even continues, locking his locker, checking he has everything he needs. Daniel chuckles, standing straight when they start to walk together towards their class. 

 

“No but really, how are you?” His features grow serious, losing the joking tone. 

“I guess I’m okay. I don’t really know… Did Erik tell you about his great plan?” 

“Plan?” 

“Yeah, he suggested if I’d give Isak something to remind him of me or us or whatever. So, I’ve been giving him a new drawing every day, sneaking it to him, kind of surprising him,” Even shakes his head, almost embarrassed to tell Daniel what he has been doing. Now that he thinks of it, it’s almost childish of him to give Isak drawings, no matter if Isak likes them or not. 

“I think that’s quite clever!” Daniel exclaims clapping Even’s shoulder once again. Even just smiles, looking at his friend who is smiling brightly and looks very tanned. 

 

“But you, you were in Thailand! How was the vacation?” Even claps Daniel’s shoulder back, maybe a bit too hard, but he can’t deny Daniel deserved it. 

“It was great! At least I got away from the cold and darkness,” he smiles, stepping into the classroom, Even following him. But he can’t go much further, when his backpack gets stuck. He looks back, seeing two pairs of concerned eyes on him. 

“I’ll be right back,” Even says to Daniel, before he turns around to face Mahdi and Magnus. 

 

“Hi,” he feels his stomach drop as soon as he sees how they hesitate in front of Even. 

“Hi,” Mahdi manages, his eyes on Magnus. A panic rises inside Even and he can’t stop thinking if something has happened to Isak. Has something happened to him? 

 

“How have you been holding up?” Magnus asks Even, taking him by surprise. 

“Okay, I guess?” Even feels his brows pulling together, worry lines forming on his forehead. 

“Is Isak okay?” Even asks, dreading to know the answer. What if he has gotten in trouble, what if something has happened to him? What if he has been in an accident? Even sees Isak lying on the ground, been hit by a car. People run to him when he’s not getting up. His bubble of nightmare is popped by Mahdi, who starts to talk first. 

 

“We’ve just been wondering if you could give Isak something else too? He has loved those drawings, but they don’t really help him sleep,” he looks at Even questioningly, Magnus opening his mouth right after. 

“We know you can’t talk with Isak, so you also don’t know that he hasn’t been sleeping that well.” _Oh shit_.

“And we don’t know if it’ll even help Isak, but we’re just a bit worried about him. He’s practically sleep walking, not really hearing anything or seeing anything, even though he says he’s fine.” Even looks at the pair, his mouth drying into sandpaper. Another thing he hates about this break; he knew this would happen. It’s not like Even can sleep any better without Isak, either, but for some reason Isak can’t sleep at all. Or hell, how does he know how much Isak actually sleeps. But it doesn’t sound good. 

 

“What did you have in mind? Should I tell him that we’re off the break so he can sleep? I’m definitely ready to do that!” Even feels his heart beating faster, his palms sweating. 

“No, no, no, you don’t have to do that! It’s just the sleeping, everything else is good. I think your break has been good for him, he has met his mum and dad, too, this week,” Mahdi starts to smile, a proud smile, and Even can feel the corners of his own mouth turning up, too. He wonders how those meetings have gone, if Isak was okay meeting them. If he enjoyed his time with them. 

 

“What we’re you thinking then?” Even asks, seeing how Magnus and Mahdi exchange looks. 

“Well... We were thinking if you could give Isak some of your clothes so maybe it could help him sleep?” 

“What?” 

“I guess it has something to do with the smell, or something…” Mahdi looks kind of lost explaining their reasoning for Even. He bursts into chuckles, seeing how the two boys looks somehow smaller and a bit insecure. 

 

“Did you really think this through on your own?” Even has to ask. How can they know about sharing clothes because it could help with feeling lonely? 

“Not completely, no,” Magnus says, getting elbowed in the ribs by Mahdi. Even looks at them with wide eyes, wanting an answer even more. 

“Yeah, we thought it could help Isak,” Mahdi says instead, giving a pointed look at Magnus. His answer gets Even more confused, his eyes drifting to Magnus. He’s forcing to keep his mouth shut, but Even can see his willpower crumble. They stand in silence, Even staring at Magnus, because he knows Magnus will crack soon. Just any second. Not long anymore. 

 

“Isak asked us to come and ask you,” he blurts out, deflating and throwing his hands in the air like he would be in a heated conversation. 

“Magnus, you weren’t supposed to say that!” Mahdi looks at his friend in disbelief, sighing deep. Even smiles at the two, feeling warm all over. 

 

“I can bring him some clothes this evening, if it’s okay with him? I can give them to Eskild and he can give them to Isak. You think that could work?” Even suggests, seeing both Magnus and Mahdi’s faces lighting with wide smiles. 

“Yes, it’s definitely fine! Excellent! We’ll tell Isak!” Mahdi smiles, with new energy in his being. 

“Okay, great, well I can drop them off at eight?” 

“Yeah, that’s fine, it’s not like Isak’s going to come to any parties with us,” Magnus raises his brows, almost like he’d be annoyed that Isak’s not coming with them. 

“Why not?” 

“He said he just wants to stay at home tonight, try to sleep.” 

“If Isak would come with us, he’d be dosing off at the party and then we’d have to watch him like a toddler,” Mahdi points out to Magnus, who reluctantly starts to nod and agrees. They talk about some party quietly, not letting Even hear their plans. Even stands there, listening to their hushed conversation, thinking what clothes he can give to Isak. Something comfortable, something which he can sleep in. 

 

“But anyway, thanks for co-operating with us and see you later,” Mahdi pats Even on the shoulder, already turning away with Magnus, who smiles brightly and waves at Even. 

“Can you tell Isak I miss him? Do you think it’s appropriate?” Even asks them hastily, not knowing if it breaks his and Isak’s rules. But it’s not like he’s going to walk to Isak and say it straight to his face, so technically he’s not doing anything wrong. He’s using a messenger, just like Isak did even though they weren’t supposed to reveal that. Magnus gives Mahdi a look, raising his brows in question. 

“I guess we can tell him that?” Mahdi looks at Magnus and then at Even with wide eyes, nodding his head. 

“Great, okay, thanks. Really, thanks for coming to talk with me,” Even tells them, smiling. The boys say no problem at the same time, chuckling and then they’re gone, talking about the party again, but Even can’t hear what they’re saying anymore. 

 

He goes into the classroom, sitting down next to Daniel in the back row. 

“What was that about?” Daniel asks, smiling at Even, nodding his head towards the door. 

“Isak’s friends asked me if I could give Isak some of my clothes for him to wear because Isak hasn’t been able to sleep that well,” Even explains nonchalantly, even though blood is rushing through his veins, making him miss Isak even more than he already did. At least he got the answer to his question about the drawings, but it hurts to know that Isak can’t sleep. He already knew that, but it has always hurt to know that. 

“Awww,” Daniel tilts his head, almost begging Even to slap his arm. Daniel just laughs, texting someone on his phone. 

 

“Are you coming tonight?” He asks, his eyes lifting back up to meet Even. 

“Yeah, I am, believe it or not,” Even tells him, already kind of dreading the night of the grizzly lions party. But why the hell not, he needs to get his mind off of this whole break thing. He knows he can’t drink a lot, but at least he’s going to be there with friends. 

“Yes! Finally!” Daniel spreads his hands out in front of himself, like Even’s answer would be a gift from some higher power. The teacher walks in, followed by some other students. 

 

“You have your overalls, don’t you?” He asks, his voice dropping in volume. 

“Yeah, I got them yesterday,” Even confirms, opening his notebook from the page where he did his homework. 

“Yes!” Daniel exclaims again, too loud this time and the teacher looks their way unimpressed. Both Daniel and Even cringe, bowing their heads down. They chuckle trying to hold in some bigger bursts of laughter. 

“Finally, our group of lions is together,” Daniel whispers into Even’s ear just as the teacher starts to talk to the students. Even shares a mischievous look with Daniel and they bump fists together before they focus on the class. 

 

\- - 

 

Even walks towards Isak's with a bag, where he packed his sweats, hoodie and a scarf. He hopes they'll help Isak, he really does. He doesn't want Isak to be sleepless, not when he can't be there for Isak. He kind of wishes he could shrink himself and get into the bag with his clothes and then into Isak's room, where he could just cuddle with Isak until he'd fall asleep. But he can't. 

He rings the buzzer downstairs and is let inside. He knows he's not going to be meeting Isak at the door, but probably Eskild. So, when Noora opens the door instead, with a warm smile on her lips, he feels a surprised smile on his face. And it must look pretty ridiculous, because Noora chuckles and steps outside. 

 

"Hi!" She opens her arms, welcoming Even into a quick hug. 

"Hi," Even smiles, hugging her with his other arm, clutching the bag with his other. 

"How're you doing?" She steps back, her hands clutched together in front of her. 

"I've been better but considering the circumstances, I'm okay." 

"That's good to hear. You know, Isak has been so grumpy because he hasn't been sleeping well so I really hope this will help, for all of our sake," she smiles, looking down at the bag. Even is still holding onto it with his dear life, trying to fill it with wishes of deep sleep and loving dreams. Also, the drawings he put into the pocket of the hoodie are something he wishes will help Isak through the weekend. 

 

"I'm not grumpy, Noora!" Isak yells inside, making Even snicker. 

"See, he's saying he's not grumpy but can you hear the tone of his voice? I'm so glad you'll be done with the break next week," she shakes her head, dramatically rolling her eyes before she breaks into a smile. 

"Me too, I miss him so much," Even sighs, kind of hoping Isak would come to the door so they could just stare at each other or something, share looks which could tell a thousand words, rather than words which tell only that one thing. 

 

"But thanks again, I better get these to Isak so he could maybe finally go to sleep," she smiles at Even one more time, patting him on the shoulder before she turns around to go inside. 

"No problem, have a nice evening," Even smiles back and watches Noora close the door after herself. He starts his way back outside, only managing to step one stair when he hears Noora's voice again. 

"I really like your overalls," she calls after him, her eyes on them, the overalls hanging low; maybe he should fix that. 

"Oh thanks," Even looks down too, feeling a bit weird when he's not wearing his usual jeans. But he could actually get used to these. 

"Red really suits you, you should try that more often," she suggests, her brows raised in question. 

"We'll see," he laughs, waving her goodbye when she says bye once again and closes the door. 

 

He walks the stairs slowly, texting Daniel, Alex and Erik he's now on his way. He still needs to go buy something to drink, but other than that he's ready to have a nice time with the guys. Now that he's thinking of the three boys who are really nice and funny and who are always there for him, even though he hasn’t told then every little detail for example him being bipolar, they're still there and they like to help if they can. 

He reflects that on his relationship with Isak, where he's almost afraid to share too much. It's normal for him not tell too much to the guys because he thinks it's not really their business to know the ins and outs of everything. But Isak has the right to know, they're in a relationship, dammit. Even really needs to learn that. And he wants to, he needs to get over his fear of pushing people away, especially the ones he loves the most. 

He can tell Isak anything, that has been proved time and time again. And he's still having a hard time believing Isak actually wants to be together with him. Sometimes Even thinks he's silly for thinking that way even though he also understands that it's his way of coping. Maybe he needs to tell that to Isak. 

But he also needs to realise that he has a real problem with the whole Sonja thing. She just knew everything, whereas Isak wants to hear what is really going on in Even's head. He needs to make a list he still needs to figure out and he has a week left to think about them. Almost like he'd almost be in a rush, which he can't believe. He wants this break to be over, but he thinks there's still things he needs to work out. Maybe he can do it with Isak. 

 

He gets a message from Alex, asking him to hurry. It's followed with a picture of their van, and the people in and outside of it. Even smiles, stepping into the cold Friday evening. He looks up, from habit he thinks and is met with Isak's figure standing in the window of his room. Even can see him smiling, and Even's hoodie on him. Even looks up for a moment, smiles and then starts to make his way towards the liquor store, still glancing up to see Isak following his steps out on the street. 

 

\- -

 

The bass is thumping through Even’s body, vibrating in his muscles, his heart mimicking some of the beats and moving along the music. Quite a lot of people have showed up and Even is pretty sure over half of them are crashing the party. 

It doesn’t matter though, why would it! They’re all having a great time, listening to music and getting to know new people and drinking and seeing the guests grind against each other. Erik has found someone to dance with and Even thinks Erik and that girl are going to go to the same address by the end of the evening. At least their dance moves imply that. 

 

Even is slowly drinking his beer, nodding his head to the rhythm. He’s talking with a girl who he has seen in his class, he thinks they’re on the same art and maths lessons, but they’ve never actually said anything to each other before. Not even a hi. But here they’re talking, like they would’ve known each other for a while already. 

Maybe it’s because the girl seems a bit out of place. She keeps glancing at the people nervously and she’s clutching her drink tightly. She smiles all the time and the way her lips twitch from time to time make it seem like it’s a very forced smile. When Even saw her, and recognised who she was, he felt like she needed some company. It was hard for him to know who she actually was, because she doesn’t really wear makeup and now she was looking very glam and her hair looked different. 

 

She was standing alone by the side-lines, drinking, looking at people dancing. 

“Ellen, right?” He had tilted his head and offered his hand to shake hers. She looked startled, but smiled when she saw a familiar face. 

“Elle, actually, but close enough. And you’re Even?” He nodded and she shook Even’s hand. They settled to stand side by side, watching others. 

They didn’t really talk about anything which would’ve made Even feel like they’d be friends in the future, but it was nice to talk with her. Especially when Daniel, Erik and Alex were all wooing some girls. Of course, it was a bit hard to hear Elle talk because of the loud music, but it didn’t really seem to matter. They drank and they watched the others. 

 

“Do you have any friends here?” Even asks her, when he’s slowly but surely running out of things to discuss with her. They had already talked about their drinks and their drinking habits, the music, how non-winter like the winter had been and the weather in general. 

“Yeah, but they all brought their boyfriends and girlfriends and I don’t have anyone with me so here I am,” she smiles awkwardly and takes a sip from the bottle she has in her hand. 

“Where are they?” Even was trying to see people, who at least remotely reminded him of Elle, but was surprised when Elle pointed her finger towards a small group of people dancing, drunk as hell. They were stumbling and trying to balance by steadying themselves against each other’s arms and shoulders. 

“I wasn’t even supposed to be here but my friend begged me to come and here I am. Now I’m kind of regretting it,” she admitted and glanced towards Even. 

 

“Are your friends here?” She asked and then slapped her hand against her forehead. 

“Of course they are! You’re one of the people in this group!” She laughed nervously and drank from her bottle, taking a bigger swig than she maybe would’ve handled. Her face twists and she coughs a few times, holding her hand in front of her mouth. Even just smiles at her awkwardness, which seems to double the more she drinks. 

“Yeah, they’re here but they have their own activities,” Even just raises his brows, just as he sees Daniel sticking his tongue down some girl’s throat. 

“I wasn’t supposed to be here either, though. But the guys thought I needed something else to think about,” Even drinks, Isak’s face surfacing from his imagination and creating him in front of Even, imperfect and see through. 

“Why do they think you need something else to think about?” Elle asks, questions written all over her face. 

“I’m on a break with my boyfriend,” he looks her straight in the eyes. Her smile drops instantly, sadness filling her every pore. Even doesn’t understand why everyone thinks it’s such a bad thing to have a break. If a relationship needs it, then you have to do it. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. 

 

“I’m really sorry,” she says, her hand touching his shoulder. 

“Don’t be, we just needed to take a break. We’re good,” Even smiles at her, and apparently, it’s genuine enough because her smile returns to her face too. When he says it out loud, that _they’re good_ , it doesn’t sound convincing to his ears. They wouldn’t be taking a break if everything would be fine with him and Isak. 

But it’s better, it has been good to be apart for a while. At least he knows he doesn’t want to be without Isak ever again, he doesn’t want to be on a break ever again. He just needs to figure out how he’ll get closure with the whole Sonja-thing. 

 

“Why are you on a break then, if everything’s good?” Elle asks him, still smiling, but clearly confused. 

“We just have some issues we need to think about on our own,” he shakes his head, really wishing Isak would be here. He sees all these couples dancing and being affectionate and he can feel the sexual tension in the air.

He wants to have that too, he doesn’t want to be here alone. And he never thought he’d be in a party like this without Isak. He always thought they’d come to these kinds of get-togethers and they’d dance and they’d hang out with their friends and they’d laugh and whisper things into each other’s ears which shouldn’t be whispered in public. 

And then they’d be hot and bothered the rest of the evening, teasing each other and finally when they’d get to Isak’s or Even’s, they’d want each other so much that it’d physically hurt. But that’s not happening now. Instead Even’s drinking alone and watching his friends get lucky. 

 

“I think you need to dance,” Elle suddenly says and grabs Even’s hand. He doesn’t get the chance to say no, when they’re already in the middle of the dancing group, their bodies bumping to ten other bodies. 

She smiles and starts to move, first her head, then her shoulders and last her legs, making her sway and look like she doesn’t belong into this era. Even smiles and starts to dance too, not really caring how he dances. He mainly feels like his own dad when he dances, stiff and repeating the same moves over and over. 

They both keep sipping their drinks, jiggling to the beat. Even takes her free hand and twirls her, making her laugh high and giggly. When she stops, she makes him twirl and he has to bend his knees to be able to go under her arm. They’re both laughing and doing silly 70’s dance moves, which seem so out of place with people grinding around them. 

But the more Even dances with Elle, the more he wants Isak to be there. He feels a hole in his chest, screaming for Isak’s touch and his smile rather than Elle’s. He wishes to hear Isak’s voice, feel his hands on Even’s neck and his body pressed against Even’s. He wishes so much that it’s making his smile falter and his dancing smaller. 

He feels the yearning weighing his shoulders down and his enthusiasm to be around people starts to feel more and more forced. Missing Isak makes him want to leave this party and just break the rules. He wants so bad that his whole body has decided to leave before his mind is with it. 

 

Elle just smiles and takes Even’s beer bottle into her hand, shooing him with them. 

“Go, you clearly want to,” she says to him, still dancing. He looks at her for a while, almost like he’d need her approval. When she signs him to leave, he sighs deep and thankful. 

“Have a great rest of the evening,” he tells her, bowing to her like a true gentleman. She chuckles, and drinks from his beer bottle, closing her eyes when she starts to dance more again. 

 

Even walks fast and he feels like he’s not moving fast enough. He starts to run, cold air feeling like needles in his throat. His ears ache from the small breeze, that fluffs his hair around his head. He gets out of breath fast, like it’d be his reminder. 

They’re on a break and he just left a party to go and meet Isak. He reaches a tram stop, forced to wait for the next one to arrive. He has to breathe and he’s forced to face the reality. He’s going to break the rules even though they promised not to. He’s going to Isak’s, who has no idea Even is coming over or even thinking about it. 

Even is going to him, only thinking about himself. And he shouldn’t. Isak hasn’t been able to sleep and Even is going there to disturb him. He doesn’t even know if Isak’s sleeping, if he was able to fall asleep even with Even’s clothes on. But he likes to think it has helped Isak. But it doesn’t take away the fact that Even is only thinking about himself right now. He should be thinking about Isak too. 

 

The journey over to Isak’s goes in a daze, trying to come up with reasons why Even is doing this and by answering his own questions if this is the right thing to do. Like he listed last week, he knew this was going to be his fall. 

He misses Isak too much and it’s starting to be unbearable. And even though he still thinks it was a good decision to have a break, this is the part he hates every second. He can’t stop thinking about every part of Isak he misses. 

His voice. His touch. His thoughts. The way he speaks. The way he writes. The way he hugs. The way he cares. The way he kisses. The way he holds. The way he walks. The way he laughs. The way he looks. The way he sees the world. The way he looks at Even. The way he smells. The way he stands. The way he brushes his fingers through Even’s hair. The way he looks after a shower. The way he tells jokes. The way he listens. The way he thinks… 

There are millions of reasons why Even misses Isak. He just misses Isak, every part of him, every little flaw and every little strength and perfection. It’s like Even is walking here, feeling only half of himself. He feels like the whole left side of his body has been ripped off and it’s wandering somewhere, lost and cold, hungry for attention and affection. He misses that part so much that his right side is starting to crumble and it tries to fill the void the other part left. But it can’t because it’s nothing without the other half. Just like he can’t imagine Isak in front of him, he can’t imagine having his other half when he knows it’s not there. 

 

it's almost one o’clock at night and Even’s staring up towards Isak’s window. There’s a light on. Just a dim light, but still a light. So, Isak’s probably not sleeping. Even’s trying to decide what to do. He feels like he can’t send a text to Isak. That would definitely break the rules and probably only upset Isak. So, he’s not going to do that. 

He’s not going to throw small stones against his window, because it could wake everyone else and he’s possibly not going to reach Isak’s window which would mean the rocks would hit someone else’s window and wake them up. 

He just stands there, watching Isak’s window, thinking how Isak is up there, in his room, so close yet so far away. He’s there and Even’s here and they’re on a break and Even misses him so much that he feels like he’s bleeding through the hole in his chest. He can feel his other half up there, in Isak’s room, in Isak. 

Even sits down on the curb and holds his head between his hands. He feels extremely tired, ready to close his eyes. But if he’d close his eyes, his dreams would be filled with images of Isak. They’d be black and white, mixing reality with fantasy. And it’d feel too real, even though Even would know it’d just be a dream. But when he’d wake up, he’d still think it’d be real life. 

He doesn’t want to admit that he’s not coping so well. He’s just trying to plaster a smile on his face, think that he’s fine, think that if he smiles, he’ll actually feel better about this. But who is he kidding. Maybe everyone else around him, but not himself. He’s aching all the time, and he still has to ache for the next seven days. Well six, if he wants to be precise. But it still feels like seven. Still feels like an eternity. He just wants something, at least some little thing to keep him afloat for the next week so he’s not going to drown in his sorrow of missing Isak so much. 

 

His phone vibrates in his pocket and it makes Even’s heart hammer in his chest, through his body, making him shiver. 

“ **Where did you go?** ” Erik’s text reads and Even is disappointed. He knew it wouldn’t be Isak texting him, but for some reason he thought it’d be. Like he thought there would be a chance for that. But no, it’s not Isak, seeing Even through his window. Isak’s probably fallen asleep anyway, he just forgot to switch off the light. 

“ _I am on my way home_ ,” Even writes, but decides not to send it. Why would he lie? Why would he pretend when he can’t convince himself to believe he’s fine either? He deletes the last words until there’s only _I am_ left. He stares at it, the two words making him powerless. The cursor is waiting for him to type something, anything, even a lie, but Even doesn’t want to lie anymore. 

Like he promised to Isak, he should learn how to open up. And he wants to. He wants to be true to himself, face his problems, be open about the things which make him feel a certain way. He wants to. But it feels like the pointer is mocking him, laughing at his face for not being able to come up with anything to tell Erik. He’s determined to try, though. 

“ _I’m outside Isak’s, thinking if I should text him or not._ ” 

 

He sends the text and reads the words through over and over again. He’s being selfish, he knows it. But what can someone do if they miss their other half so much that they can’t think about anything else? 

What can a person do, if they love someone so much, that they don’t want to be apart even though they know it’s the right thing to do at the moment?

Why is it so hard to control yourself when it comes to the people you love? 

 

His phone buzzes and it drags Even out from his thoughts. 

“ **What are you doing there?! You weren’t supposed to see him or be in contact!** ” Erik texts and Even can hear Erik’s voice saying it to him, judging him and his decision to come here. 

“ _I know, I know! I just miss him!_ ” Even texts him back, hearing his own desperate voice in his head, trying to reason his behaviour to himself and to Erik, who can’t even see Even. Erik starts to type something and then he stops. Then he starts again and stops. He has to be either writing a long message or deleting everything he writes. 

 

A shadow approaches Even, feet walking closer, their soft patter against the ground like music to Even’s ears. He lifts his eyes, meeting green, a smile and a wild blond hair. 

“Shit,” Even whispers and stands up. He already opens his mouth, ready to explain why he’s here. But Isak keeps walking forward, his hand sharply slaps against Even’s mouth. He grimaces and mouths _sorry_ , before he lifts his other hand and holds a finger up. 

He pulls his hand from Even’s mouth and Even waits for Isak to do something, to say something. He pulls out a piece of paper and gives it to Even. His phone vibrates again, but Even pushes it into his pocket and takes the paper into his hands instead. 

_Let’s not say anything, but let’s go for a walk._

 

Even smiles and Isak answers it, his tired eyes watching Even from head to toe. He gives Even a thumbs up and points at the overalls. Even chuckles and mouths _thanks_. He looks at Isak and feels like he’s watching a rare diamond filled with starlight and sunshine. 

Even now, when it’s dark and quiet and cold, Even feels warm staring at Isak. This moment, when there’s no one else, just them standing under a streetlamp, feels like the most magical moment. Even has missed this, Isak, them. 

 

He looks at the paper in his hand and then raises his brows at Isak, asking him if he has a pen by mimicking writing on the paper under Isak’s handwriting. Isak hands him one and watches Even press the paper against his own thigh, trying to see what Even is scribbling. 

_I’ve missed you._

 

Even stands up straight and gives the paper back to Isak with the pen. Isak smiles at the paper and then at Even, taking Even’s hand into his. His palm is warm, but his fingertips are cold. Even feels like Isak is holding him on his palm, making butterflies fly rapidly in the pit of Even’s stomach. 

The last time he felt like this was on his birthday. The first time he felt like this was when he saw Isak for the first time last year. When they hadn’t said anything to each other. When they hadn’t even shared a look. When they didn’t even know each other’s names. Even just saw a cute guy, laughing with his friends, but then that smile crumbled into emptiness and he listened to his friends. Even didn’t hear what they were talking about, but the boy with the unruly blond hair and green eyes and soft looking skin made him excited. 

He saw this boy and felt like he hadn’t seen anything before. Like he would’ve opened his eyes. Like there wouldn’t have been anything to look at before this boy, who seemed complex and kind and fun. Even also knew he meant trouble. 

Back then he had a girlfriend. Every day was the same, every day followed the same pattern which he had followed for months. And seeing a boy like Isak meant breaking the rules and breaking promises and breaking normality for him. But Even didn’t really care. That boy gave him something to think about, something to feel, something to look forward to. And then suddenly, one day, the boy was looking at Even and it set something in motion, which Even doesn’t regret. 

He glances at Isak and sees him smiling. His cheeks are blushed and his hand squeezes Even’s a little tighter. His footsteps are light and his breathes out puffs of grey from his mouth. 

 

They walk, hand in hand, shoulders brushing against each other, as long as they find a bench to sit on. It’s in a park near Isak's but because they didn't hurry, it felt like the journey there took many hours, when in reality it was just a ten minute walk. Their footsteps synced and they felt the earth push them forward and not just stand there, mesmerised by each other. They didn't even need to look at each other, it was enough to know that the other was there. 

Even feels like this is the special thing happening this Friday. Not partying with his russ group, but this; being with Isak. He kind of hates to admit that he's so addicted to Isak, that he's depending on Isak so much. He shouldn't be, it's not healthy. Then he looks at Isak and he knows why it has happened, why he feels that way. 

Seeing Isak next to him, holding his hand and leading them forward, is the reason. Isak leads them forward, towards new things, towards excitement. They can be apart for a day or two, but Even has noticed that if he's not spending time with Isak, his life becomes dull. Like a sepia coloured movie. Everything's just hazy and his life starts to repeat itself. 

With Isak there's something more, something extra. He has learned from Isak and he enjoys going forward with Isak. He's going forward... It hits him like a meteor from the sky. He was being held back earlier. When he was with Sonja, one of the only things he thought about was his illness and how he wouldn't hurt Sonja or upset her. And it led him to hurt her, upset her in ways which weren't good for them. He felt like his leg was trapped in one of those bear traps, where foxes and wolves get their legs stuck. The one with the teeth, biting through their skin, through muscle, into the bone. Shredding and slowly killing them. And if the animal moves, the trap is going to bite deeper, so they have to be perfectly still which is an impossible task.

Even started to be too careful, afraid of the outcome of his episodes. He started to tiptoe around Sonja if he knew another episode would come. Even had to be still, stay where he was, do what he did best, live his life feeling trapped. He wasn't able to move, to breathe, to actually move forward, to make himself feel better. He was scared of his episodes all the time, terrified of what would happen next. What weird idea his brain would throw at him and convince it was the best idea in the world. He was afraid to face the reality, when it just reminded him of being ill and different from others. 

 

With Isak he's not reminded of his illness all the time. He feels like he's actually living, doing things that he likes and creating things and improving his own skills in accepting himself. Of course, he's going to have manic episodes and depression in the future too but he's not as scared of them as he was before. 

He's not alone. He doesn't have to hide from Isak, as it has been proved time and time again. He can live no matter what and move forward and not feel ashamed like before. He's a human like everyone else. He just has to live life with another version of him, living inside his own skin. But he's still here, living and feeling hopeful of his future. He just needs to tell this to Isak too, alongside other things. 

 

Isak and Even sit on the bench, pressed against each other to keep warm. Isak holds Even's hand a little tighter, his head against Even's shoulder. They breathe and watch the grey clouds forming in front of them, disappearing into the night. 

They listen to the sounds of the night, the city which seems to be sleeping even though some people like to make themselves known. They watch people walk home, staggering with their legs wobbling. But in the end, they get where they were going and Isak and Even can focus on something else. 

 

It's nice to just sit, not feeling any pressure to talk about anything. It's almost nice to know that they can't talk. It's relieving, because now they can only listen. To the sounds of each other's heart beats, breathing, clothes rustling against each other's. Little things which seem huge right now. 

Like they’d be two little insects in a huge world, trying to survive through the cooling night. Where every little thing is a bit bigger, a bit more meaningful. A world, where every little thought and word and act creates a link with life and with destiny.

Like many times before, time starts to lose meaning. It’s just Even and it’s just Isak, sitting on a bench, not caring what time it is or how cold it actually is. It’s just the two of them under a starry night sky, breathing and blood pumping and muscles relaxing, their bodies melting together when they look for familiarity and comfort and the parts which were missing earlier. Even can feel his left side greeting his right side and they spend some time together, before Isak has to take Even’s left side with him again. 

 

Even watches the grey clouds, that flow out from their noses and sees how Isak’s breathing starts to slow down. He tilts his head to see Isak’s face, to see his closed eyes and his serene expression, telling Even he has fallen asleep. 

Even would want to stay here, sit here with his boyfriend and watch him sleep. But he can’t. Isak shivers and he tries to come closer to Even, but he’s already pressed against Even’s side so tightly, that the next step would be actually breaking through Even’s skin and making home in his bones. Even thinks that has already happened. 

 

His hand comes to stroke Isak’s cheek and he watches Isak’s eyes fluttering open. He looks like he has been woken up from a 1000 year sleep and he could still sleep more. Even would let him sleep as long as he could. But he can’t let Isak freeze outside, when he could be inside, in his own bed, under a warm duvet, his head against a soft pillow. He won’t let Isak get sick because he was outside in the middle of the night. 

Isak knows why Even wakes him up. He yawns and would probably sleep anywhere he could lay his head. Isak still follows Even when he stands up and lets Isak lean his weight against Even’s body. Even wraps his arm around Isak’s shoulders and they walk slowly, trying not to stumble on anything. 

 

The journey, which seemed to take a lot longer than it actually did, now seems like mere seconds before they’re at Isak’s again. They both look up, towards Isak’s windows and Isak shivers almost uncontrollably, like his muscles would warn him from going upstairs. Like that room upstairs would be a bad place. 

The way he yawns makes Isak walk a bit forward, out from under Even’s arm. He turns around and faces Even, his eyes half open. This is the first time Even sees his own clothes on Isak. He smiles at the sight, how they’re all a bit too big for Isak. How his sweats bundle up on his ankles. How his sweatshirt has covered his hands under his winter jacket. 

Isak pulls out the crumbled piece of paper and a pen and then writes under Even’s scribbles. He shows it to Even, urges him to take it from Isak. 

_I’ll miss you._

 

He looks at Even, his smile fading. He reaches his hand out and touches Even’s face lightly. His fingertips brush from his temple to his chin, leaving a path of sparks and embers on Even’s skin, waking up the butterflies and the craving for more. 

Isak turns around and walks inside, giving a swift smile at Even at the door before he disappears behind it. Even stays to stand outside, waiting if Isak would come to the window. But he doesn’t. The lights go out and there’s no shape in his window, waving or mouthing words at Even.

He looks at the piece of paper in his hand and keeps it in his palm, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jacket. He walks home and realises that he doesn’t feel so empty, so broken anymore. Like his left side would’ve been filled with something. And he can recognise Isak’s other half greeting Even’s right half, just to give him enough strength to pull through the next week before they can actually talk to each other again. 

 

\- - - -

 

The house is quiet except the quiet blabbering from the TV. Even’s eyes are glued to it, not really seeing anything. He’s staring at the screen, the movie that doesn’t really make sense now that he hasn’t focused on it, and the actor’s voices hum in his ears somewhere far away. 

He has been sitting here all morning and it’s almost midday. And it’s Sunday. And he should be doing some homework for tomorrow. But he can’t make himself go and bring his backpack into the living room and dig out his books, when he’s comfortably huddled on one corner of the couch. 

 

So, he stares, not really caring what’s happening in the movie, but he’s still watching it. He might’ve even seen it a while back, because all of the people look very familiar and the scenes don’t really surprise him, make him interested anymore. But still, he sits and he stares and he makes himself stay awake. 

His mum and dad went to meet some family friends a couple of hours ago, leaving Even sitting on the couch with his wet, washed hair and comfortable clothes. It’s not like Even wouldn’t have wanted to go see these family friends, but he’s just too tired to move. His limbs feel like jelly and his mind is blurry. He can’t focus on anything and his thoughts travel on the streets, a few kilometres until they reach Isak’s. 

 

What is he doing? Is he thinking about Even? Is he doing some soul searching like Even should be doing? He still needs to figure this Sonja-thing out. He needs closure, he knows that now. But how can he get that? He hasn’t spoken with Sonja after Christmas when he wished her a nice time with her family. She didn’t seem very keen on talking with Even, so he gave up and he hasn’t heard from her since. 

Even though he doesn’t miss their relationship, he misses her friendship. She seemed like a good friend in the end, but it was disguised in a relationship that wasn’t working but they tried to force it to work. Nothing can really work if you try to force it. You realise it’s not worth the pain when you’re more tired than excited. But he still misses her sometimes because he lost his best friend like he would’ve snapped his fingers and made a magic trick. He would’ve covered Sonja with a sheet and with the audience cheering, he would’ve lifted it up and she would’ve been gone. But instead finding her standing behind a screen, she would’ve gone missing, no one was able to find her. That’s how it feels. 

 

The movie comes to an end and another one starts. It’s an older one and the quality of the film is grainy. Even watches the small pixels dance on the actor’s faces, making them a bit blurry like he’d look at them through dirty glasses. Their mouths move and they’re saying words, but the more Even watches them, the more he feels his eyes getting heavier and falling shut. 

He can hear the sounds of the movie getting more and more distant, almost broken. He leans his head to the back of the couch, not caring if his neck will be sore afterwards or not. He just wants to take a small nap. 

There’s a ring, and another, a third one. Even tries to find his phone through the haze of almost falling asleep, but can’t find it. Then again, his phone doesn’t sound like that. He drowsily opens his eyes, listening if that ringing would happen again. And it does. And it’s the door. 

He groans, but gets up. His feet drag against the floor and his eyes are almost open. When he passes the mirror in the hallway, his hair looks ridiculous. It’s sticking in every direction softly and he looks like he has just woken up from a 10 year nap. He doesn’t know what time it is, but it doesn’t look so dark outside. And he thought his parents had the key and he’s not expecting anyone else, so it can only be them. 

 

When he does open the door, he gets a real wakeup call when the person standing in front of him is Sonja. She looks fresh and her cheeks are pink and her hair looks a bit longer and she’s staring at Even with wide eyes. She’s carrying a box in her arms and Even can’t stop staring at his ex-girlfriend like she’d be a stranger. 

“Hi,” she’s the first to open her mouth and her voice wavers nervously, quietly trying to find out what’s going on. 

“Hi,” Even replies, still standing frozen, not knowing what to do. Until Sonja looks down at the box in her hands. Even almost stumbles to his own feet when he opens the door wider, his face shocked. 

“Come on in, if you like,” he invites and she smiles gently, looking around. She’s holding the box in her arms tightly, almost hugging it against her front to find some solace from it. Even can’t take his eyes off her, waiting to hear what she’s doing here after months of silence. He’s nervous of why she came here, especially when she hasn’t sent him any texts. Though, he can’t really say if she has sent him a message because his phone is in his room and he has been growing roots on the couch since eight this morning. 

 

Slowly she turns towards Even’s anxious figure and she still has that soft smile on her face. Even sees how hard she’s trying to take elaborate breaths and how she’s trying to keep her cool. But she’s even more nervous than Even is. He’d almost want to greet her again, but that’d be silly as he already said hi. It’d only make this more awkward. 

“Hi,” she says again and Even can’t fight off the smile that breaks through his stiffness. 

“I was just thinking how I can’t say hi again,” he chuckles and the way he talks melts Sonja’s nervousness, at least a part of it, and she lets out a chuckle as well. Their voices die down and Even tries to find something to say, something to do, when clearly Sonja is trying to decide the best way to approach this weird situation. 

 

“What do you have there?” Even decides to ask, just to get some words out of his body. 

“I was meant to bring these things to you a long time ago, even before Christmas, but I couldn’t. So, I’m bringing them to you now,” she looks at the box and then at Even, courageously looking at him in the eyes. 

“It’s just some of your shirts and a couple of notebooks and cd’s, nothing special,” she continues, when she sees Even’s eyes trying to pry the lid open. Even nods and she pushes the box into his hands. 

 

“Okay, well, I think I’m going to go now, so…” She gives a tense smile and moves closer to the door. 

“Would you like to stay for a bit? Mum and dad’s not here and I have nothing to do,” Even tries to keep it as light hearted as he can and he tries to sound relaxed, even though he feels as tense as a violin string. 

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” Sonja looks away and her well thought out confidence crumbles right there in front of Even. 

“I’d really wish you could stay for tea or something? Just for a moment longer?” Even tries, but his voice sounds too pleading and too desperate. She sighs soundlessly, but then she turns to face Even and surrenders with a nod. 

 

“I’ll just drop this into my room, so just wait here,” he tells her and starts his way to his room already. She takes off her shoes, when he goes into his room and opens the lid. The first thing he sees is an old plaid shirt, which he gave to Sonja years ago. She always liked to wear it and it looked good on her. 

He lifts it and the next thing he sees is a hoodie he had already forgotten. He had left it at hers intentionally, just for him to have something to wear if he stayed over. He rummages through the box a bit more, seeing other pieces of clothing with the same story. Either she liked to wear them or he had left them at Sonja’s. 

At the bottom are a couple of sketchbooks and pencils and a few pictures of them together. He looks at the one on top, them, him and Sonja, and how foreign those people look. They look young and trouble-free and so naïve. 

They were happy back then, still not knowing what would happen in the future. They were 15 in that photo, just falling in love and so smitten with each other. Five years later and he hasn’t been in touch with Sonja for a few months and it hurts even more. 

Back then they were so close and almost attached to the hip. They went everywhere together and they did everything together and they experienced a lot of things together. It was a completely different time, maybe even a different world. He hides the picture under the clothes and closes the lid. He leaves the box in his room and when he steps out, Sonja is waiting for him in the hallway. She has crossed her arms loosely and when she sees Even, she smiles. 

 

“Tea?” Even asks her and she nods, following Even into the kitchen. She sits on a chair by the dining table and watches Even put on the electric kettle. He takes out two mugs and picks out every tea flavour they have from a cupboard and puts them on the table. 

“Do you still have that berry tea?” 

“Yeah, you want that?” Even looks towards her and sees her craning her neck to see the different tea’s. He lifts the box and her face lights up instantly. He knew she’d have that. She always had the same berry tea and Even’s mum had bought it just for Sonja. 

Now that she hasn’t been here in so long, no one has been drinking it. Even takes out a teabag and puts it in Sonja’s mug and chooses lemon flavoured tea for himself. He organises the different tea flavours back in the cupboard while he waits for the water to boil and then pours it into the mugs, before he carries them to the table and sets Sonja’s mug in front of her. 

 

“Honey?” 

“Yes, thanks,” she dangles the teabag in the water and watches the water colour deep red. Even sits opposite her and he waits for something to happen. Maybe something she would say or he would say, a gesture or a small dramatic happening. 

Maybe either of them would tip the mug and the tea would splash on the table. When that doesn’t happen, he settles for the silence, which is starting to feel heavier by the minute. 

 

He watches her under his brows, knowing that this could be his moment to actually bring their relationship to an end. This could be his closure, he needs this to be their closure. But where to start? How to begin a conversation which was supposed to happen such a long time ago? 

Even watches Sonja and realises that he never really let go of their relationship. Even though they had already broken up, he was hung up on the relationship. Even though his love for Sonja changed and in the end his love wasn't romantic anymore, he never let go of her. Deep down he still feels like they're only on some twisted break. 

This moment takes him back in time to last autumn when him and Sonja were still trying so damn hard to keep their relationship aﬂoat. And even though they came to an end, Even never got the chance to just _let go_ , break up with Sonja in his heart too, in his mind. 

He sips his tea and it's still too hot. His tongue feels like it's burning from inside out and the sensation changes into feeling like his tongue is sandpaper. He tries to cool the drink in his mug by slowly circling his spoon in it. Steam rises against his face in small waves, warmer and cooler rising and blowing away. 

 

"How have you been?" Sonja asks and her voice startles Even. She talks quietly, but the way she speaks is ﬁlled with bitterness. Her voice, every syllable on every word. They're ﬁlled with emotions that confuse her and make her angry and maybe a bit sad. 

Even lifts his eyes towards her and is met with her gaze, which is trying to ﬁnd the answer to her question by only looking at Even’s demeanour. 

"I'm okay, nothing special really," he smiles at her and she looks away, biting her lips together. 

"How about you, what have you been up to?" Sonja doesn't answer Even immediately, she doesn't look like she even heard the question. Maybe Even didn't even ask it out loud. But then she looks back at him, her whole face cool and collected, she's just trying to keep herself together. 

"Good, thanks..." she almost breathes the words out. 

 

So, this is how they talk now. Not saying anything that matters. Not telling each other things that make their lives brighter or things that could make them proud. They're only using words that don't matter, nothing really matters now. 

Even looks at her, observes her, tries to ﬁnd some familiarity. Even though he knows her, he knows how she thinks and how she tells him things and what she looks like when she's worried and what she looks like when she's happy, he can't ﬁnd those things from this person sitting in front of him. He knows this person, but at the same time she feels like a complete stranger. He can feel his face scrunching up and he has to look away when Sonja catches it. 

 

"What?" She asks, hufﬁng the word out in a small chuckle which doesn't sound joyous at all. 

"Nothing," Even shrugs, knowing that the moment to be honest is slipping away from him. He needs to do something and he needs to do it now, not in a few moments. But now, when he has the chance. 

"Okay..." 

"Or actually," Even straightens his back and as soon as his eyes ﬁnd Sonja, he slumps back against his chair. Seeing her makes him breathless, weak, someone who he's not. Sonja is waiting to hear what Even has on his mind but no one told him how hard this could be. How hard it's to be honest with a person you knew so well at some point, but who has now turned into a stranger. How this person used to be one of the most important people in his life and he can't even be honest with her. And that's the problem, he wasn't able to be honest back then on certain things and he’s still struggling with the same thing. 

 

"How are you really, what has been happening in your life?" He decides to come to the matter at hands from another perspective. He can't just throw all of those things, which have been on his mind, against her face. He's afraid he's going to say something he doesn't mean. That he's going to sound accusing rather than someone who is trying to ﬁnd a way to bring this relationship to an end. 

She waits for something else, her brows pulling together, like she wouldn't understand the question. But she does and she takes in a breath before she opens her mouth. 

"I've been thinking about studying, that maybe I need to do something other than work. Even though I did get promoted..." 

"You got promoted?! That's amazing!" Even is genuinely excited for her. His joy seeps into her and she smiles. 

"I guess it's a good thing," she says before her smile fades away. 

"What do you mean you guess?" 

"I don't know, maybe... Maybe it's because I don't really enjoy doing that anymore. I feel like it reminds me of the past too much," her eyes are honest, open, telling him the things that you can ﬁnd only between the lines. Her work reminds her of her past, and the way she said it can only mean one thing; it reminds her of Even. 

 

Two years ago Even had seen an add for a small bookstore, who were looking for a new employee. Sonja had always enjoyed reading and stories, just like Even, but her enthusiasm was different. She liked books, she liked to read the stories, ﬁction. Stories, which were too unreal to be true, even though they were realistic. 

Even on the other hand has always lived in a story. He has been writing his own story for years and he still is. He sometimes feels like he's only a character and someone else is writing his story, deciding how he gets up from bed and what he has for breakfast. That he's not in control sometimes. He lives in a story which is too real, even though he'd want it to be ﬁction sometimes. And sometimes he's so high in dreamland, in his story, that it doesn't make any sense. 

 

Even feels a bang of guilt inside his head, inside his chest. She always enjoyed working there, she has made good friends there and she was never anxious to go to work. Now she doesn't like it anymore because of their past. All the things the place reminds her of, is her past with Even and how they sometimes spent their time at the shop before she closed the doors for customers. They sat on the ﬂoor and took books from the shelves and played a game where they didn't read the description but invented their own stories based on the cover. And they came up with the silliest of stories and none of them made any sense. But it was their thing. 

They sometimes ate something or drank something and just sat there, not caring what time it was or what others thought. And her boss was cool about it, she just had to close the doors when they were leaving and that's it. 

Those memories seem like distant echoes. They're so far away in the past that they don't seem real anymore. Like it would've been someone else's life, some other people, some other relationship but not them. 

 

"What are you going to do now then?" Even asks her and he wishes she doesn't notice how desperately he wants to move forward. How desperately he's trying to hide his heartbreak. Of course, it hurts to know that she thinks that way when they've shared few of their best memories in that book shop. Even doesn't want to face her so he stares at his tea, smelling the sweet lemon scent. 

"I'm going to apply for university even though I'm still not sure what I want to study. Just something, I need something new," she explains slowly, her voice soft and observing. 

"I'm happy you're doing something new and something that can make you happy," Even dares to look up and he is met with wide eyes, which are trying to ﬁgure out how Even is. But the more Sonja is trying to ﬁnd that out, she becomes almost frustrated. Her brows scrunch together and she shakes her head slowly. Even has to look away again, but only because he starts to feel a bit uncomfortable under her scrutiny. 

 

"How about you, tell me honestly, how has it been?" She almost continues the question with something but she closes her mouth. She lets out a sudden breath, almost like she'd be scared of something. 

"It has been okay, I'm taking it day by day." 

"Are you still..." she closes her mouth again and her cheeks blush. 

"Have you had any episodes lately?" 

"That's what you want to know?" Even raises his brows at her and she looks down, almost like she'd be very disappointed. 

"Let me try to come up with the question I want to ask you while you answer, please?" She asks, her eyes ﬁlled with doubt. She seems so uncertain, a complete opposite to the person she was when he last spoke to her. 

Then they were both so tired, both had already given up. But she was also very upset. And worried. And she wanted the best for him. But he still chose someone else over her even though they both knew that would happen. It was only the matter of time something like Isak came along and then he did and they both knew their relationship was over before it was even over. 

 

"I haven't been manic, but I did have some sort of an episode a few weeks back. I've never felt so angry in my life but now everything's under control." 

"Angry?" 

"Yeah, I trashed my whole room." He leaves the part about Isak out. But she sees through it, she knows he's not telling her everything. He still does the same thing as before if he lied or didn't tell her something; he looks away and coughs like something would be stuck in his throat. 

 

"Why were you so angry then?" 

"I guess it has something to do with the question you have in your mind," Even reminds her and they both are trying to stand their ground. They're staring at each other and neither of them is giving up. But then she huffs out a breath and slumps against her arms on the table. 

 

"Are you still with Isak?" 

"Yeah, I am." 

"Did it have something to do with him, your anger?" 

"We had our ﬁrst ﬁght," Even only says, not going into detail. 

"Are you two okay now?" Even doesn't answer her right away and she can pick things from his silence. 

 

"Are you happy with him?" 

"He makes me the happiest," Even smiles and thinking of Isak gives him a sense of security and calmness. This is something he needs to do for the both of them, for Isak and himself but also for Sonja. 

 

"What's wrong then?" She continues asking, and maybe she doesn't want to know, but Even is still going to tell her. Isak's not some person whose name can't be said, like he wouldn't exist even though he does. His name isn't a curse word. His name doesn't represent bad things, even though he was the last thing that decided Even and Sonja's end. 

His name means the world for Even, and it's only his name, not the person. But the name 'Isak' will always be right in his heart, no matter what happens. Isak's not a secret and Even wants to keep it that way. 

 

"I miss him terribly because we're on a break," he's not going to shy away from this subject. There's no turning back. 

"A break?" 

"The ﬁght we had was something we can't really put behind us. We realised that we need to ﬁgure some things out, otherwise they're going to be there between us all the time and they would create unnecessary ﬁghts." 

"What do you need to work on then?" 

"I need to tell him about things." 

"Nothing else?" This is it, the part that scares Even the most. He has to be open about his feelings towards Sonja. A girl who was there for him through his hardest times and held him when he was scared. She was here and she cared and she listened before everything started to crumble. How can he be honest with her, when he owes her so much? How can he not hurt her in any way when the things he has thought about, about their relationship and her, have already hurt him? How can he look her in the eyes and say that they were never going to last because she cared too much, like it'd be a bad thing? 

 

"No, it's not all," he manages, but he has to drink some of his tea to feel like his mouth isn't like the Sahara. 

"What is it then?" 

"It might be extremely selﬁsh of me, but I need closure," he swallows after the last word leaves his mouth and she keeps looking at him, her eyes almost confused even though she knows what he means. 

"You want closure?" 

"I don't know what you think, please tell me what you think," he almost begs but his voice stays surprisingly even. 

"I've been trying to let go of you and us for months now. I've been trying to ﬁnd some good things from this, from us breaking up and I actually have. And I've even started things which are only for me. I'm ﬁnally starting to believe that it was good we broke up and that I'm good on my own for a bit. But at the same time there's this small voice inside me that says everything's not completely okay, that something's missing... And I think closure is the only thing that could help me, too." 

 

Even doesn't know what to say, he can't say anything to that. Sonja has been thinking about this too. The person, who was always so strong and open and available and there for Even and always pushing him forward and making sure and helping. 

Now she's here, a person who Even doesn't know and knows the best and he can see how insecure she is sitting there in front of him, holding her tea mug with her hands. And she can't face Even, she can't look him in the eyes anymore. And Even looks away too. This person is different, not the one who was ready to ﬁght him and ﬁght for them and for him. 

 

"I don't know where to start..." Even can't believe how nervous he is. His voice falters and breaks and he has to shut his mouth or he'll sound like he's going to cry soon. Maybe he will, he doesn't know that. 

"Let's not start yet," she says so quietly that it almost sounds like she whispers it. Like she wouldn't trust her own voice either. But as she has said that, they stay quiet and drink their teas. Both are afraid to start, afraid to make the ﬁrst step. Even is afraid, because this is the end for them. After they're done, he might lose one of the most important person from his life for good. 

Until now Sonja has been on his mind, like they would've been close after they broke up too. He carried her with him, in his mind, pushing him forward there. But Isak was there too and he was trying to take Sonja's place but it's damn scary to let him in that way. Sonja has been there for so long and now someone new is going to be there and he has to actually open his mouth to let him hear what Even has to say. And he has so much to say and it terriﬁes him. What if Isak's not going to understand? What if it's too much for him? 

 

Sonja stands up eventually, taking her mug with her and she puts it into the dishwasher. Even can hear her standing there for a moment, not really knowing what to do. Maybe this moment requires her to psych herself up too. She comes back and sits down. Even pushes his mug away from him. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. 

He lifts his chin and meets Sonja's eyes. Exhale. It's her, Sonja. He can talk to her. He talked to her for years. They should be able to do this now. But he feels like someone is sewing his lips together. And it hurts to open his mouth to say the things he has on his mind. Just as much those things will hurt him and Sonja together. 

 

"Can you start?" Even asks her and she nods but then she doesn't say anything. She gives a hopeless chuckle and ﬁlls her lungs with air. And she shakes her head and she looks so small and vulnerable, and Even can't recognise her this way. 

"I've imagined this moment so many times and I've said the things out loud that I want to tell you. But now I feel like I can't say those things," Even can see from her face she doesn't believe this is happening. 

He feels like they're on a boat and it's rocking. The water is sloshing in and they're trying to calm down and trying not to move. But every little move, even breathing makes the boat rock even more. Even their beating hearts are too much for the unsteady boat. 

 

"I was hopelessly trying to keep us together even though I knew that something was up. Remember last summer? When you saw every one of our friends getting into universities and summer jobs and they went forward. Even I went forward. But you were only thinking about how you were going back to high school to repeat the last year. Do you remember when we were talking about your fear of failing that you wouldn't get out of third year ever or you'd get a manic episode at school and everyone would be afraid of you?" The questions Sonja asks Even makes his throat clench. He tries to swallow but he can't. 

He feels like there's invisible hands holding his throat, not strangling him but clearly holding him still and making it hard for him to breathe normally or say anything. He nods at her and it's enough. She looks towards her hands on the table. She's playing with a ring she has on her ﬁnger, a ring she has had for forever. 

 

"And I was so worried when you went there and I was so worried you'd feel hopeless. But then we met after the ﬁrst day and you looked happy and I thought that you met some nice people and that you were actually welcomed there. That you actually enjoyed your time there because of the people in your class." Even knows where this is going. He knows it because he told her. 

First, he told her about the ﬁrst day at Nissen, he told her about the people he met, about his new friends. And he told her about the school and what it was like and what the teachers seemed like and what it felt like to be there inside those walls which were foreign to him. He felt like a whale in a ﬁsh bowl, but at the same time he felt comfortable, even though he was nervous. But when he told her these things for the ﬁrst time, he left something out. 

 

"I was so happy that you were happy and the more you were there, the happier you got. But when we were spending time together, you seemed like you were somewhere else, like you wouldn't have even wanted to be with me." Even swallows. He knows it's coming. 

"Can you remember the time me, Eskil and Elise came here and you were with Isak?"

There. Even looks at her, and he can see the hurt in her eyes. But oddly enough, she looks calm, like a huge thunder storm would've raged in her head and left her with calmness even though she can see the destruction the storm left at its wake. 

"And I saw your face. Your face didn't light up when we came here, when I came here. Because you were already smiling and your eyes were happy and twinkling." She chuckles at the wording, a hint of amusement on her lips. It fades quickly, and when she looks up, ﬁnding Even's curious, nervous, expecting eyes. He's met with sadness. 

 

"That was the moment I knew that your new friends weren't the reason for your happiness. Or that the environment would've been more encouraging or that you would've liked the teachers more. But it was all because of Isak. And I saw how you looked at him when you introduced us to Isak and I can remember the way you kissed me and how I was trying to swallow your happiness with my own disappointment. Because I was disappointed and I wasn't even disappointed at you, but at me. I knew we were over long before we started to ﬁght even more.”

“I knew I should've broken things off when I ﬁrst knew, but I refused to listen myself. And I was disappointed at myself for knowing that your friends or the new school weren't the reason for your happiness. And I was thinking who you might ﬁnd interesting. Who is the girl who is taking you away from me? And then there was Isak, this tall boy who looked at you and me and was jealous and you were smiling and you hadn't looked at me like that in months." 

 

They stare at each other. It's laid on the table, how it all began. How they knew it was really over. Even sees Sonja, the same girl who he went for bike rides with and who he spent time with at the beach and who he made food with and who he whispered sweet nothings to at four in the morning in his bed. And it was over just like that in the form of Isak Valtersen, showing Even what it really felt like to love someone. 

"I couldn't stop thinking about you and Isak and I wanted to know more even though I hated to know more. And we went to those parties where he was, where you were able to see him. And it was just that when you saw him, I could feel you drift away. Even though you would've stood right next to me, you were so far away. But I was your girlfriend and we were Sonja and Even, we were a _we_ , it was us, and we had always pulled through. We had always been okay. And suddenly we weren't. We were far from okay. The saddest part is that I was waiting, expecting, for you to crash. That it was just a thing showing me what to expect. I was so sure you were going to have a manic episode and I was trying to ready myself for it. But it didn't come." 

She sighs, burying her face into her hands. She breathes elaborately and she doesn't lift her head from her hands even when she's speaking. 

"After Halloween, I knew that I had lost you. And you only conﬁrmed it when you told me about Isak. I was so angry, so damn angry, and disappointed and hurt that it was coming to an end like that. That we were about to be over because of a boy who you were happy with and who you were, I don't know, seeing behind my back? And I told you that he wouldn't be ready for you, for the ‘not-so-dreamy’ part. He was just a boy who was falling and looked at you like you were from heaven. And then you came back, saying that I was right, that he wasn't ready and you were miserable for days and I didn't understand why. Like it would've been the biggest mystery of the century; why is Even so sad when he can't get be with Isak. But I should've known. You had already fallen for him, hadn't you?" 

 

This time it's a real question. A question she wants an answer to. She isn't going to let that slide and it's a valid question. Even has tried to decide what moment it was when he knew he was falling for Isak. Was it the ﬁrst time he saw Isak? Heard him laugh? Or saw him walk across the yard? Was it when they ﬁrst locked eyes? Talked? And he can't pinpoint the exact moment. But he knows that he fell fast, and he fell hard. Isak had captured Even, he was holding Even on his palm, wrapping Even around his little ﬁnger and Even let him. Because Isak had suddenly become so important that it didn't matter what was happening around him. 

He just wanted to hear Isak's voice, his laughter, see his eyes. Just something, anything really, that could bring them closer. And he still feels the same way. Even is still on Isak's palm and he feels safe. 

Sonja is waiting with tense shoulders. She looks almost desperate to know the answer, scared even. When Even nods, she slumps against her chair and she breathes deep for a while. Even doesn't know what to expect. She might even run out the door, at least it looks like a possible option. But when she opens her eyes, she's not desperate anymore. Just... calm. 

"Then you left me again and I knew it was really over. You hadn't looked more relieved when we did break up. We had been ﬁghting for days by then, a new ﬁght every single day and we were so exhausted. And when I left I wasn't sure if I'd hear from you again. But I also knew you tried to keep the illusion of perfection. I knew you hadn't told him. Maybe it made you even happier that he didn't know." 

 

The way she puts it makes Even wonder if she's actually right. It was easy when Isak didn't know about his bipolar disorder. He didn't have to think about someone worrying over him. His parents were enough and Sonja had been enough. But he didn't want someone taking care of him, he didn't need a babysitter. Especially after what Isak had said about not wanting mentally ill people around him. That moment made it all so much easier for Even not to tell him. 

Of course, he was scared that Isak would ﬁnd out. But at least Even had spent amazing moments with Isak and at that time he thought they wouldn't last if Isak knew. Every time he saw Isak he was saying goodbye to him. Every touch was a whisper of sorry on repeat. Every kiss was trying to say how much Isak meant to Even but at the same time he was trying to comfort them both. They'd be better apart. And every look was the last look because Even knew he was crashing. He was feeling more and more out of control. 

It was getting harder and harder to be like everyone else, it was harder to be calm and happy because his brain didn't let him have it that way. Everything was too bright and too loud and too mellow. He wanted to feel and he wanted to experience and it was easier to forget what it feels like to be a human. He was like a superhuman. 

 

"That night when I came to pick you up from the police station..." Sonja stops herself and her cheeks blush. She inhales and holds her breath before she opens her mouth to say something again. 

"I had tried to contact Isak but it was him who ﬁnally called me and it was the middle of the night and I knew immediately what had happened." 

"You... what?" Even leans forward, his arms against the table. He's staring at Sonja, trying to comprehend what she's saying. This part he has never heard and he's not sure if he wants to hear it either. He always knew someone had told Isak because how else would he have known about his illness. But Sonja? 

 

"He was wandering on the street with your clothes and he called me and we met. And I told him something that I still regret even though we already talked about it." 

"What did you say to him?" Even bites his teeth forcefully together, his heart hammering in his throat. He's looking at her and his sight is blurry from the edges. He can only see Sonja sitting there in front of him, her head bowed down. 

 

"I told him about you. And I remember looking at him and thinking how this was my revenge. How this was the right thing to do even though I saw how much it hurt him. I saw him and I told him and I revelled in the feeling of making him hurt as much as I had been hurt. I told him that you were manic and that you didn't love him. And I saw how the earth crumbled beneath his feet. And I just kept going and I told him to stay away..." Sonja chokes and Even can see a tear dropping from her eye. She doesn't say anything for a while but Even waits. He needs to hear it. 

"When I came to the police station and you were wrapped in that blanket, you didn't even look at me. It was like you weren't even there. I took you home and you didn't say a word to me. I didn't get through even though I tried. When we came inside, your mum and dad were here and you didn't want me to stay. You didn't even say it to my face, you said it to your mum who looked at me and I had to leave. That was the last thing that got me thinking. And I knew I had made a huge mistake. You didn't want me here and I had just told Isak that you don't love him." 

"But you came here the next day?" Even asks and he can't believe that this is happening, that that happened. 

"I did. And I wasn't even sure why I came. We were laying in your bed and I was holding you because you hadn't slept all night. But you weren't able to relax. You just keep mumbling how sorry you were and I thought you were talking to me. When I talked back to you, you didn't reply. Then you turned around and you had your eyes closed and you were shivering and you had tears coming from your eyes. But you were asleep. And you weren't talking to me, you weren't apologising to me. You were apologising to Isak.”

“While I watched you sleep, I tried to think what to do. Because I knew I had hurt you the most. You loved… Love, someone and I was trying to ruin it just because I was so angry. I never wanted you to suffer, because you deserve so much, and there I was, next to you, holding you and you were suffering." She can't go on. She stops and she tries to catch her breath. Even can feel his whole body tightening. Because that was one of the worst times he has had. 

"I'm so sorry Even, that I put you through that. I'm sorry." She looks like she's in actual pain. Like someone would've stabbed her in the heart and ripped it apart, throwing salt in the wound. Like her heart would be open like that for the rest of her life, broken and ﬁlled with cuts that don't keep love inside. 

 

Even stands up and moves to sit next to her. He wraps his arms around her and she leans her head against his chest. She can't stop crying silently, asking for his forgiveness. He just holds her tighter. 

"I know you didn't mean it. And I understand why you were angry." 

"It doesn't take away the fact that I hurt you when you had hurt me." 

"Yeah, it doesn't erase that. But Sonja..." Even loosens his hold and coaxes her to look him in the eyes. 

"He didn't stay away. Even though I wanted him to, he didn't. He showed me that we were stronger than that, than my illness." 

Even can't deny how proud he feels. Isak was there when Even needed someone the most. And Isak was there, holding his hand, holding him and made sure Even wasn't alone. He made sure Even knew that, that he was loved. They didn't need to talk, it was enough that Isak was there and he hadn't given up. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. They were there and they were taking it slow and Even put his trust in Isak. He wasn't going to leave even though Even sometimes pushed him away. He didn't give up on them. 

 

"He texted me..." Sonja mumbles, afraid to look Even in the eyes but when Even doesn't say anything, she's forced to face him. 

"He told me that you were with him and wanted me to tell your parents. And I called him," she swallows, waiting for Even's reaction. But nothing happens because he's still waiting for her to add something to it. 

"I apologised to him and told him that it was good you were with him. He just wanted to be there for you the best he could. And I told him that if it got hard, you should take it day by day or if it's too much, hour by hour or..." 

"Minute by minute," Even says quietly, realising that he had done the same thing with Sonja. They took it as slow as it was required when Even wasn't okay. And she had shared that with Isak. 

 

Taking it slowly had been his and Sonja's thing since the beginning. The harder it got, the less pressure Sonja wanted to put him though. She said that they should take it as it came, even a minute at a time if it was super difﬁcult. And they did, and suddenly they were able to smile again, laugh so much their stomachs hurt. 

She had always sat there next to Even, gave him tea and made him talk if Even was ready and she was there to walk him into the bathroom to have a shower. She was there, but she wasn't there. She was there physically but he missed her as her. Every time they slowed things down she became someone else, she was there to take care and she wasn't his girlfriend anymore. 

When Even is with Isak, he is Even's boyfriend. He doesn't try to get Even to talk, he doesn't make Even have a shower if Even doesn't do that himself. And he holds Even. And he talks about his day and comes up with games like what they should do in the next minute and he suggests about  
listening to music or eating something. But he doesn't push it. He stays as Even's boyfriend who can't ﬁx Even. He can't. Even is a person, not a robot with the wires plugged wrongly. 

"Minute by minute," Sonja repeats and she wraps her hands around Even's middle. 

 

"I've been trying to come up with something to say, something that I want to say. But you just said everything that I was about to. I fell for Isak. And you and I had already started falling out of love. We both knew it. And Isak still caught me when he found out about me. But there's one thing I do want to say..." 

Even feels like he's going to pull out the safety pin. He knows it's the thing that he needs to say but at the same time he feels like he's going to ruin them, him and Sonja for good. That when then bomb explodes, there's no going back and they're going to be further apart for the ﬁrst and last time. He's afraid but he's also ready. 

"We had a special relationship and I'll always remember it because you were my ﬁrst love. But I will never forget what brought us to our end. You took me down memory lane, and I have to give you a memory of my own..." Sonja holds him a bit tighter, readying herself for what is coming. 

 

"Remember when I was diagnosed and went through one of the ﬁrst depressive episodes. And you were there taking care of me? You were the person who was doing all the research with mum and dad. And you were ﬁnding support groups that I could join. And you were talking to me and you were asking how I am and I didn't get the chance to say because it took me awhile to put everything into words. But by the time I was ready to talk, you were already doing something to make everything better. And it made me feel special. You knew me so well that you were able to do things like that.” 

“But when the time passed and we changed… We both grew up. You asked how I felt and I still wasn't able to put everything into words and you were still there doing the same things as before. I was the one who was going through all of it and we didn't speak the same language anymore. We were different and the more time passed we grew apart. We had our times and we were happy. But the way I felt started to shadow everything. I felt like I wasn't listened to. That you were there just to take care of me. That I was only my illness, rather than me, changing and understanding and growing up. I felt like my illness was everything to you when I wanted to just forget it for a while. I didn't need a caretaker, I needed you. And we were drifting apart.” 

“And that's when I saw Isak. And I was drawn to him. Not because of us or because I needed to open my eyes and wake up to the reality. But because he was everything and so much more. I found myself wanting to ﬁnd out more about him and I wanted to spend time with him just to hear his voice or see his face light up. I started to want the things I wanted from you. And I wanted more. You started to feel like a friend and Isak gave me something to think about. I didn't have to hide behind my quietness. He waited and he listened and for the ﬁrst time in a long time someone listened to me and how I felt. And that was the moment I knew we, you and me, were going to come apart. It wasn't us anymore, we were together because we had already been together for so long." Even stops himself for a while to gather his thoughts. His thoughts are all over the place, but Sonja is still listening so he continues. 

 

"While I've been with Isak, I've felt more complete and in control. I've been able to be with him and he doesn't focus on my illness. That's also the thing we've stumbled with. I haven't told him enough. He knows things, but he still doesn't know how to go through an episode. And I haven't told him because I've been afraid the same thing will happen with him that happened with you and me. I don't want this relationship to turn into something it's not supposed to be and that's for Isak to forget to be my boyfriend." 

"But I've also missed you. You knew about everything and you were used to it. If Isak sees me manic from start to ﬁnish and witnesses my depression from the beginning, I'm frankly scared about it. You had already seen it. He hasn't. And that's what I'm the most afraid of." 

 

Sonja tightens her arms around Even just a bit and it keeps Even together. It's so familiar and safe, something he got so used to. He can see Sonja hugging him and it's nice. But it's not Isak. And as soon as Isak comes into his mind, Sonja's arms feel foreign. She's there and she's not Isak and Even misses him. 

Getting all of these things out from his mind feels like a heavy rock has been lifted from his heart and he can breathe again. But at the same time he feels like he's letting go of something so important and he doesn't want to let go. And Sonja is there to hold them together. Hold his body together and hold his thoughts together. 

And at the same time Even knows he's holding onto to the thought of him and Sonja and how easy it was sometimes only because she knew so much. He's holding onto it because it's so familiar and it lasted for four years. He can probably never completely let go, but this is the ﬁrst step. 

Having Sonja here is something only he wished he'd have. He thought he'd have to send her a text or a letter if she wouldn't want to meet him face to face. But here they are, keeping each other together. 

 

"We fell in love and we fell out of love," Sonja suddenly says, her voice quiet and ﬁlled with thoughts. 

"Yeah." 

 

Even doesn't know how long they sit like that, but when his back starts to ache and he has to adjust his position, Sonja slowly pulls her arms back and lifts herself up. She looks him in the eyes and her tears have dried and left streaks on her skin.

"You want to go into the living room?" She asks and a hint of a smile ﬂashes on her face. Even nods and she takes his hand. 

Holding her hand reminds Even of so much. How many times have they walked in Even's home holding hands, like their hands would be glued together; he can't even say. There was always a way for them to be in contact, to feel the other. Until there was no contact. 

 

Even sits on the other end of the couch and Sonja on the other. The TV is still on and there's a new movie on. There's a girl dancing and laughing a lot. The TV is on silent and they both watch the actress party, like the movie would be a silent one. Even stares at the screen but his mind is on the person next to him. 

She's silent, but he knows she's about to say something. He knows because she always did those small hufﬁng sounds when she wanted to discuss about something. So, he waits and lets her start. He doesn't want to pressure her, especially after laying all his thoughts on her. 

 

"I'm sorry I made you feel like I didn't listen to you, I never meant that to happen. I guess I didn't realise that all the time. I never saw your illness as you, I know that. It doesn't deﬁne you. You're Even, you were my Even. And I think I'll always love you even though I wouldn't be in love with you. But I always saw you, not your illness, when I looked at you. You have to know that." 

Even turns his head slowly towards her, while she talks in short little sentences. Her hands are trying to make a point with her voice and she's staring at the TV but Even can see how her eyes ﬂicker over to him. 

"Even..." she turns towards him and crosses her legs. She looks so weirdly small that Even has to look at her twice as hard. She is like a completely different person even though it's clearly Sonja who is sitting on the couch with him. 

"You're not your illness, always remember that. No matter what happens, you're Even. It's just a part of you, like your sense of humour or creativity or your incredibly sweet personality and charisma. No matter what, you're Even and no one can say anything else." 

She is looking at him pointedly, wanting to get the words through. And he hears her. And he records her words into his mind so he can hear them again. Even just smile and he can feel it stretching across his face, making his cheeks hurt. 

 

"What?" Sonja is confused, there's literal question marks all over her face. 

"It's really stupid but... I just think that we came full circle," Even shakes his head and can't believe his own words. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Think about it... I fell for someone else... we grew apart... you're going forward... we went through a relationship and we're here talking about our problems and we're getting our closure." Sonja's mouth hangs a bit open, her head trying to comprehend every word Even just said. 

"I think you're right," Even can see how it dawns on her. 

"We're adults now, I guess," Even chuckles and it makes Sonja laugh. A real laugh that makes Even laugh and it's so absurd to realise that he had been avoiding this conversation because he was so afraid of the outcome. And here he is, being honest and they're listening to each other. 

 

"Thank you," Even says quietly, meaning it, when their laughter has died down. 

"Maybe we were never meant to last. Maybe we needed to go through this so we'd be smarter later," Sonja says, shrugging. 

"No, I don't only mean us. But that you saw me as me. I might've seen things differently but it's everything to me that you didn't see me only as some sick person. That I'm still Even for you. Thank you." 

"That's what people who love other people do. And I truly do love you." Sonja moves a bit closer and her hand rests on top of his on the couch. 

"I love you, too," Even smiles at her and invites her to come and sit next to him. It doesn't feel natural for her to sit so far away. She curls up next to him, leaning against his side. They keep staring at the TV, but Even's mind is in another apartment, on the boy who hasn't been able to sleep well. He hopes Isak has gotten at least a bit more sleep. If he hasn't then Even will blame himself for it for the rest of his life. 

 

"What are you thinking?" Sonja asks, looking at him from a close distance. 

"Isak," he sighs, wishing he could go to Isak right now and they could just talk. But he has to respect their break. 

"What's the deal with you two anyway?" 

"You mean how has it been going or why we're on a break?" Even looks at her from the corner of his eye and can see her biting her lips together. 

"Both, I guess?" 

"It has been really good with Isak, better than good. But after we had that ﬁght I told you about, we didn't really go back to normal but rather we're awkward and uncomfortable with each other. That's how we came up with the idea of a break." 

 

"What will happen next?" 

"Were meeting on Friday and we're going to talk," he says and it actually feels different to say it out loud now. Last week he was devastated about it but now he can say it and actually look forward to meeting Isak on Friday and talking with him about what he has realised during their break. 

 

"You made a schedule?" Sonja sounds incredulous, pushing herself off Even and looking at him with furrowed brows. 

"Yeah, because we want it to work," he shrugs, like it wouldn't be any news. She settles back next to him, relaxing against his arm. 

 

"You think it will work out with the two of you?" She asks after a long silence. 

"I think so, at least I'm ready to give it a shot. I'm ready to work for our relationship." It feels a bit uncomfortable talking about him and Isak to Sonja, especially so openly about it. 

Somehow, he always felt like she didn't accept them. Maybe it was because Even left her for Isak, but still. It's his ex-girlfriend and here he is talking about his boyfriend who he is happy with, unlike him and Sonja in the end.

 

"You said that you need to tell him things, what did you mean?" 

"He wants to know more about my illness and he wants to know things about my life. He wants to get to know my friends like I've gotten to know his..." 

"He hasn't met your friends?" Sonja pushes herself upright again, this time demanding Even's attention by turning completely towards him. Even can only shake his head. 

Now that he says these things out loud, he truly understands why he needs to open up more. Isak has given him a lot and Even has been wanting to know things about him. But he has been silent about the same things and he hasn't been sharing even the most trivial details about his life. 

He's staring at the TV, rather watching that than Sonja who wants to know things from real life. It's hard to be honest with even her, but at least he's answering. 

 

"If you want to work on the two of you, you have to tell him things!" Sonja coaxes him, an unbelieving look on her face. 

"I know! And that's why we're taking a break, so we can start from fresh, kind of..." 

"That makes sense." 

 

"What about your illness? He doesn't know anything about it?" 

"He knows something but we never talk about it. It just is there, but he doesn't know anything about how I experience it." 

"Why not?" 

"Because I'm afraid he's going to turn his back on me if he knows too much. That I'll just scare him away or say something wrong or make him feel like it's all about me or that he'll know how I don't believe he loves me when I go through a depressed time..." 

"He loves you? You've said that?" Even looks at her ﬁnally and sees an empty look in her eyes. He can't read if it's sadness or what, just a blank expression colouring her features. 

"Yes, we've said it to each other," he says and he can hear how his voice goes silent with every word. She turns to look at the TV too, but then decides to face him again, with a small smile on her lips. 

"I'm happy for you," she puts her hand on his knee and squeezes it gently. Even smiles back at her, his mind completely occupied by the sound of Isak's voice when he said it for the ﬁrst time. 

 

Even travels back in time, his body feeling warm all over. His skin prickles with electricity and he can feel himself getting more giddy about the thought of having a boyfriend like Isak. 

"If he truly loves you, as I imagine he does, then I don't understand why you're so afraid. He wants to know you and he wants to understand. Try give him a chance and then decide if he's afraid or not. You can't know what's going to happen, what he thinks, if you don't tell him about what it all means to you," she talks carefully, choosing every word and slowly letting them out. 

And that's exactly what Even has been doing. He has been assuming how Isak might feel when he actually doesn't know how Isak thinks or would think about the things that scare Even the most. 

He doesn't have any words for Sonja, so he settles for a nod. Her words circle in his mind, creating a box where he can keep them. And he can see Isak, waiting, helping Even form coherent sentences, helping Even be honest.

 

"Thanks for telling me how you felt," Sonja suddenly says before she leans back against Even’s side. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Now I know what you think. And now I know where we went wrong. So, thank you," she says nonchalantly but Even knows it's not that simple.

"Thanks for sharing your thoughts too," Even says back, feeling a new kind of sadness. And he knows what's causing it. It's like knowing that this moment was going to come some day. That this moment is something he has been feverishly waiting for. Like this would be the end, right here, right now, and there's no turning back. 

 

"Maybe we were never meant to be, even though it felt like that at some point," she has to clear her throat a couple of times to get the words out. She doesn't look at Even anymore, but has settled to stare at the comfort of the silent TV. 

Even knows she's right. They were good for so long. But they were never meant to be. They grew apart, and he accepts that now. 

"I still love you, though, I always will. And that's also the reason why it's easier to let you go, let these things go. I want you to be happy and if being with him makes you the happiest, then I'm happy too." 

Even moves his arm around her shoulders and pulls her a bit closer. Here are their last words. He can feel ties breaking, chains crumbling and breathing ﬂowing more effortlessly from both of their lungs. This is the break up they should've had a long time ago, but it’s happening now and he can feel how his heart can beat a bit more freely. 

 

They sit on the couch for a long time. Sonja moves to the other end after a while and Even gets out paper and a pencil. He starts to draw, ﬁnding himself sketching drawings for Isak. He's not going to stop giving Isak drawings now that he knows Isak has liked them so far. 

He draws one where they're together at a party rather than Even standing alone. One where they're with all of their friends, his and Isak's, rather than Isak only with his friends. He feels a smile on his face, his hand moving easily against the white surface. One picture where they're eating breakfast together rather than Isak eating it alone. And ﬁnally one where they're in the park, but this time they're closer together, watching people and enjoying the time they have. 

He can feel Sonja's eyes on him from time to time and it makes him not to draw the last drawing. He has to do that in his room, where he can let his imagination run freely. 

 

"What are you drawing?" She asks when she sees how every drawing follows the same pattern of different alternate universes. 

"I'm going to sneak these to Isak to cheer him up," he explains and she smiles, trying to read the text he's writing. 

 

"Do you remember when you used to draw me?" 

"I can still remember how to draw your face even with my eyes closed," Even looks at her under his brow, a smirk on his lips. 

"I guess you can draw him from your memory too?" 

"Sometimes I think I can draw him better than I ever drew you," he admits, almost regretting saying it. But she just shakes her head, a calm smile on her face. 

"Just another reason why you need to make it work between the two of you," she reminds him before she's watching the movie again. 

"You think so?" 

"You wouldn't do this if you wouldn't want it to be you and him for a long time," she tells him, almost like her words would be an alarm for him. 

 

He wouldn’t do this if he wouldn't believe they're going to last for a long time. He wouldn't do this, if he wouldn't believe they truly do love each other. And he wouldn't do this if he wouldn't believe they wouldn't get through even the hardest times. 

They still sit on the couch when the sun has already set behind grey clouds. Sonja sits more upright, ﬁddling with her ﬁngers. A movie has just ended and she's staring at the screen, her movements almost stiff. 

"Even?" She asks, when Even is perfecting the last drawing. He looks up, meeting her eyes. And he knows exactly what she's thinking. She already opens her mouth when the door opens and they can hear Even's parents walk in. 

 

Even moves the drawings aside and stands up. He nods at her to stand up and follow him. They can hear his mum and dad talking with smiles in their voices, chuckling from time to time. 

"I have to remember to ask that recipe," his dad huffs, his mum slapping his arm almost accusingly. 

"Yes! I want to try that dinner at home too, not only at theirs," she smiles, her eyes ﬁnding Even right away when he rounds the corner from the living room. 

"Even! How was your day?" Sonja appears behind him, her hands behind her back. 

"Sonja! What a surprise, what are you doing here?" She asks, a bit too shocked to realise the volume of her voice and how wide her eyes are. His dad is also looking at the two standing in the doorway, and he blinks slowly from Even to Sonja, and back. 

 

"We talked," Even looks at Sonja who smiles. 

"Do you want to stay over for something to eat?" Even's mum asks, her voice still too high and too excited. 

"I think I have to get going. I didn't really mean to stay this long anyway," Sonja talks politely, like she wouldn't have met Even's parents before. 

"Well, you should come here again! We'd love to hear how you're doing," Even's dad tells her, a warm smile on his face which lights up the whole hallway. 

"I'll keep that in mind," she smiles back. 

"We'll leave you to it then. Don't be a stranger Sonja," his mum tells her and touches her shoulder when she moves past her, dragging Even's dad along. 

"It was nice seeing you," he says before they're both out of the hallway. 

 

Sonja starts to put on her shoes and jacket, Even watching along. 

"Come over sometime if you feel like it," Even tells her, truly meaning it. She stands up and smiles gently, wrapping her scarf around her neck. 

"It was good to talk to you, and seeing you," she says. She stands there a bit awkwardly, trying to decide what would be the appropriate way to say goodbye. 

Even closes the distance between them slowly, wrapping his arms around her lightly, letting her decide if it's the right thing to do. When she hugs him back and her arms hold him tightly, Even let's himself relax into the hug, savoring the moment. 

 

"I love you," she tells him and it feels like the words have lost their meaning between the two of them. They're just words which you say to the other to be polite. You can love them, but the love has changed, morphed into something new and distant. 

"I love you, too," he tells her back and squeezes her gently before he's letting go. She gives him a small wave and then she's out the door, like she would've just arrived and just given him the box of things that she came here to give. 

 

He stands there for a moment, feeling the last strings between them being cut. And he knows he's not going to see Sonja in a while, just because it feels like they've just broken up. Like this would've been the time they say goodbye to each other, not the time they fought and Sonja left by slamming the door shut behind her. 

This was their real breakup and it'll take a while for them both to be over their relationship, even though Even already loves someone else and Sonja has started to do things for herself. They need time apart, without the looming thought of the other being somewhere, knowing that it's not complete over before they have a real conversation. This was the conversation. This was their end. And it drags Even into his bed, imagining Isak wrapping his arms around Even and telling him it's going to be ﬁne.

 

\- - - - 

 

Tuesday. 78 hours, 4680 minutes, 280 800 seconds. And counting.

Even is the last one to arrive to the cafeteria. He can already see Alex and Erik talking to each other about something animatedly, the other is chewing a dry looking sandwich. They're sitting close to the windows, Alex propped on the window sill. He approaches them, but then gets a better idea. They haven't seen him and this is the perfect opportunity for him to scare at least the other one. 

He sneaks in the line to buy some granola and juice, already planning on sneaking behind Erik, who has his back turned towards Even. But Alex hasn't seen him either, maybe he could pull it off. He pays for his snack and takes a few napkins with him, wetting them with his juice. He crumbles them together, taking silent steps towards the boys, ready to slap the papers against Erik's cheek behind his back. 

He can see Alex eyeing him suspiciously, but Even signs him to be silent. He's excited, feeling like he's going to scare himself too. Alex nods once, only a small move and Erik doesn't see it. Even is almost there, just a step and he can slap the wet papers across Erik's face. But he sees something that stops him. And it feels like he crashes against a brick wall that pierces through his lungs. 

 

Isak, who is walking conﬁdently towards a group of girls sitting at one table. And Even can recognise that short, dark hair anywhere. She's sitting there all smiley and innocent, like she wouldn't have done one of the worst deeds a person can do to Isak. And he can see Isak approaching the group of girls who are laughing about something. 

Their voices become louder and louder the more Even stares at them, wanting to see what's happening, expecting for something dramatic to take place right then and there in the middle of the cafeteria. As Even sees Isak getting closer and closer, everything slows down. Isak's steps seem to weigh tonnes and Even can almost feel the ﬂoor vibrating with every step Isak takes. His eyes are wide, a bit too wide and doe like. Like he'd be walking straight towards a truck and he knows they'll crash. His cheeks are blushed pink, blotchy even. But his back is straight and he carries himself right in front of Emma and he doesn't wait for the girls to stop talking, but interrupts them. They all turn to look at him, and Even can see Emma's surprised expression. 

 

"Hi?" She maybe wanted it to sound more neutral, but her greeting comes out as a nervous question, which can't hide her confusion. 

"Can I talk with you, outside?" 

"I'm kind of in the middle of..." Emma points towards her friends, a smile on her lips. 

"It's important," Isak interrupts her, more conﬁdent now. He's not backing down no matter what. 

"Okay, uh, I'll be right back," she tells her friends. She stands up, follows Isak outside and they're out of Even's reach. 

What is Isak doing? Why does he need to talk with Emma? It's not like he would like Emma anymore, right? Did Isak ever even like her? Maybe not. But still, why is Isak doing this?! 

 

"Even!" Erik turns around and smiles brightly. Even can feel the juicy paper towels in his hand dropping sticky sugary juice on the ﬂoor. There goes his chance of scaring Erik. But what does it even matter now when he feels like something is happening. Maybe even too much is happening.

Isak can of course do whatever he wants and talk to whoever he wants. But Even doesn't want to be left out, especially when his boyfriend seemed to be doing the most serious thing he has done in a while. Even them going on a break wasn't like that. Isak has never looked at Even the way he looked at Emma just now and he's almost terriﬁed to know what that look meant. There was that innocence Isak will probably never shed but also there was something extremely determined and bold and... sassy? 

 

"What's wrong?" Erik asks when Even doesn't answer anything, too deep in his own thoughts and worries. 

"No, nothing, just Isak..." 

"What, has something happened?" Erik looks shocked, maybe expecting some worst-case scenario, whatever that might be. 

"Everything's ﬁne, it's good, nothing, just forget it," he attempts to plaster a smile on his face and for the most part Alex and Erik buy it, but they all know that under that smile is something much more uncertain. 

 

"Talking about Isak... What the hell happened on Friday?" 

"What, did something happen?" Alex's blue eyes ﬂicker from Erik to Even, settling on the latter. 

"We met, went for a walk and that's it. Nothing happened, I just wanted to see him and apparently, he wanted to see me too." 

"But you broke the rules!" Erik throws his hands in the air, spilling some water from his bottle. Alex gives him a murderous look for splashing some of it on his jeans but Erik ignores him. 

"Technically we didn't. I never texted him, I just sat there and he must've seen me from his window because he came there on his own. And then we just walked, we didn't talk," Even leaves out the note he still has in his pocket. Erik eyes him suspiciously, but only shrugs when Even's not saying anything else but takes a spoonful of granola. 

 

"Why didn't you ask me about it yesterday if you're really that concerned of me and Isak breaking the rules of our break? It's Tuesday already," Even asks him, his brows pulled together. Erik looks caught off guard, his eyes wide for a second before he recovers. 

"We didn't talk about Isak yesterday," his voice shakes just the slightest. 

"Or could it be because you didn't remember me leaving early because of your hook up? And you want us to forget about her?" Even gives him a pointed look and then winks at Alex, who looks as confused as ever. 

"Did you know you can't really wink?" Erik asks Even, taking a sip of his water. 

"Oh, shut up!" 

"What the hell are you talking about?" Alex joins the conversation, making the two boys look at him with amused eyes. 

"Or maybe you wanted to distract me from the story of Alex and his girlfriend grinding at the party and him getting a boner right then and there?" Alex's cheeks blush deep red almost like he'd have trouble breathing. Erik only snickers but doesn't say anything. 

 

The conversation fades into other subjects, but Even can't stop thinking what is going on with Isak and Emma. Maybe he's a bit jealous. Emma gets to be out there, talking to Even's boyfriend, and she might not even value it the way Even would. But of course, what comes to the look Isak had on his face when he came to get Emma, the conversation is probably about something else than comparing notes. Though Even would still feel like the luckiest guy on earth even when he'd compare notes with Isak. He'd just probably lose his focus right after Isak would open his mouth and his voice would ﬁll the silence.

Even doesn't see Emma or Isak before he has to go to his math class. When they leave the cafeteria, Emma's group of friends has already dispersed and one of them took Emma's things with her. Even can’t really concentrate on his remaining classes just because he can't stop thinking what Isak might've said to Emma. Also, he's going to drop tomorrow's drawing into Isak's locker after his last class, which doesn’t help him focus at all. He hopes Isak won't be there or Even might have to throw himself into the close by cleaning closet, like he had to do once last week. At least Isak didn’t see him, which was all that mattered. 

 

Even's hands are sweating and he's staring at the drawing he's going to put into Isak's locker. There's a small stain on the paper, probably from his eraser which has seen some better days. Now it's covered in dark grey led, smudging everything rather than erasing it. He tries not to see the dark spot on the paper, just above cartoon Isak's head, but the more he stares at it, the darker the spot becomes. 

He turns the paper upside down and takes a deep breath. Just then the bell rings and everyone start to gather their things. Even quickly copies their homework assignment from the projector and rushes out with the others. 

He usually goes to Isak's locker taking the longer route, just to make sure he won't be there. For some reason, Even doesn't do that today. He checks that Isak's not there and then he almost runs to his locker. He curses under his breath when the locker door won't open as easily as it did yesterday. Isak must've messed the contents today, there's no other explanation. Even tries to pull the locker door, push and pull, lock it again and then open, even hit the door. But it won't budge. 

 

"I knew you wouldn't come here early at the morning, like Isak has been thinking," Even hears a familiar voice right next to him. Jonas has an amused smile on his face, opening his own locker with ease. 

"Try to push the door when you put in the code, at least that's how Isak has been opening it," he says and nods towards the locker. Even tries it and just like that the door opens, spilling out a notebook and a Norwegian textbook. 

"Thanks," Even turns towards Jonas who is trying to figure out what to take from his own locker. 

"No problem," he then smiles, his brown eyes examining the drawing Even has in his hand. He can't see anything, though, because Even has folded it. Even pulls out the crammed notebooks and places them neatly back in, the drawing on top of them. 

 

"Does he really think I leave these here at morning?" Even asks Jonas, feeling like he's trying to find information about his crush. 

"Yeah, he always says he's 100% sure you come here before anyone else and leave the drawings there for him to find. I always knew that's not the case," Jonas closes his backpack and then his locker, making sure it's locked. Even smiles to himself, closing Isak's locker as well. 

 

"How has it been going with you?" Jonas asks, which does surprise Even a bit. They have hung out, him and Jonas, but they were always with the rest of the group. They've never spent time together, just the two of them, and now Jonas is asking him a question which could also be interpreted as personal. 

"I'm doing better than last week, though I'm just hoping Friday would come a bit quicker," Even admits, pushing his hands into his jacket pockets. Jonas makes a sound that sounds like a doctor examining and finding something. 

"Isak has been sleeping better, thanks to you. Though I think he wants Friday to be here already too," Jonas tells him, leaning against the lockers. The corridors are already almost empty, just a few other students in sight. 

 

"Can I ask you something?" Even says so abruptly that he feels like he's yelling. Jonas lifts his brows, urging him to go on. 

"Do you know what happened with Isak and Emma today? I saw Isak coming into the cafeteria earlier and he wanted to talk with Emma but that's all?" 

"Isak said he saw you there too," 

"Well, great, I guess... so you don't know?" 

"I never said that," Jonas taps his temple, a conniving smirk on his lips. 

"I think Isak wants to tell you himself when you meet... But it was something about her outing him, that's all I know," Jonas talks a bit quieter, protecting Isak's privacy even though there's not many pairs of ears listening to them. Even notices he's leaning forward like Jonas would be telling him the secret of the century. 

 

"He... what?" 

"I'm pretty proud of him for doing that. He never said it out loud but I know it bothered him so I'm just glad he actually went and talked with her. It was about time for someone to tell her how wrong it was," Jonas talks with pride about Isak, and with a small flicker of annoyance about Emma. 

Even smiles, happy that Isak has a friend like Jonas, especially now when they can't share anything together, him and Isak. 

 

"I hope it went well?" Even doesn't really mean it to sound like a question but he can't help it, he needs some insight. 

"I think it did, at least Isak came back with his head held high," Jonas shrugs like it's not a big deal but Even can just see how he's beaming with admiration. His attitude makes Even calm down, he doesn't have to worry for Isak. 

Not because he wouldn't think Isak could handle a confrontation, but because he doesn't want Isak to be unsure about himself, he wants Isak to be confident and stand up for himself. He just hopes Isak will tell him what happened. 

 

"I have to get going, I need to help my sister with some school project," Jonas tells Even pushing himself off the lockers. 

"Yeah, of course, I'll see you around," Even smiles gratefully and Jonas is already going when he realises what he missed. 

"Jonas!" Even calls after him, taking a few running steps to catch up. Jonas turns around, his eyes wide. 

"Thanks for telling me," Even tells him and pats his shoulder a couple of times. 

"No problem, Even. I'll see you later," Jonas smiles wide and then leaves, Even standing in his spot for a moment longer to bathe in the information he was given. He lets out a sigh and he can feel a smile on his lips, his chest warm with the thought of Isak confronting Emma. He turns on his heels and starts his way home, enjoying the sun that shines and warms his skin. 

 

\- - - - 

 

Wednesday. Another day without Isak and the hours seem to drag forward. 

When Even checks the time, it's 12:08. He keeps on talking with his friends, having lunch and thinking about what Isak thought about his drawing this morning. Then he checks the time again and it's only 12:12, like the time would've stopped in the past few minutes. He tunes everything out for just a moment, to give himself a bit more space. 

The yearning for Isak is getting unbearable now. Even though he has been doing okay, the feeling of not having Isak there is something that doesn't have words. The hole, the feeling has created in the middle of his chest, is pulsing and spewing out silent tears. 

Even knows it's not long until Friday, it's going to be here the day after tomorrow. And two weeks have gone past quicker than he first thought. But now when the day is getting closer, it starts to feel like an eternity to actually get there. 

 

"Even," Alex kicks his shin under the table, his eyes wide. He looks somewhere behind Even and his face makes Even's heart stop beating for a second. It leaps again, beating vigorously, making him believe he should run and fast. 

Erik looks like he has just seen a ghost without a head and can't shake the image from his mind. Daniel looks confuse, but his attention is mostly on Even, watching his reactions. Even turns around slowly in his seat, afraid to face whatever is behind his back. But it's nothing that would scare him. Confuse him? Definitely. 

 

Emma looks unsure of herself, standing with her hands clasped together in front of her. Her dark hair is curling wildly on her forehead, shadowing her eyes, which are downcast. 

"Hi, Even," she says, looking up shyly, then averting his gaze again. 

"Emma, how are you?" He asks her, not really knowing what to expect from this conversation. He hasn't talked with her since... It has been too long, he can't even remember! Was it at the party at Isak's? Can it be that long already? 

 

"I was wondering if we could step outside for a moment?" 

"Why?" Alex asks her, his question startling Emma. Even gives Alex a warning look before he turns back to face Emma. 

"Okay, let's go," Even smiles and towers over her, following her outside. They walk until they're in a quieter place, out of reach of some interested onlookers. She turns around, biting her lips together. She can't look up, she can't look Even in the eyes and her nervousness makes Even nervous too. 

 

"I wanted to talk to you about something..." She glances upwards, her cheeks bright red. 

"Okay, is everything okay?" 

"Oh, yes, everything's good. At least I hope so..." she keeps another pause and her silence is starting to make Even lose his mind. 

"You already got me here, you can tell me whatever you want to tell me," Even tries to encourage her but it comes out ruder than he intended to. He tries a smile, when she lifts her gaze back up and she returns it with a small tug of her lips towards the skies. 

 

"Yesterday I spoke with Isak and he asked me to do something. I mean, he didn't tell me to say this, but more like advised me to talk with you about it..." 

"Okay?" Even's heart is beating erratically. He tries to keep his breathing even and his hands stable, but he's sure his tense figure is deceiving him. 

"I want to apologise to you for outing you and Isak last autumn. I was angry and hurt and I never meant it to start spreading around the school. But it happened and I can't take it back now, it was never my intention to hurt you or Isak." She tries to keep eye contact, but fails. 

 

"Did Isak tell you to apologise?" When she hears Even's voice, she snaps out of her fear, but the longer she looks at him, the more horrified she looks. 

"No, no, no, that's not what I meant, I didn't apologise because he asked me to. Because he didn't!" She rambles, her words tangling together and her mouth tires to talk as fast as her brain is thinking. 

"He said that you are equally as involved as he is and that it'd be fair if I did apologise. But he never told me to do this, just that when I feel ready I should talk with you. And now I am because after the talk I had with Isak, I felt really ashamed and wanted to talk... with you..." 

 

Her voice fades out and her shoulders slump down. She looks like she has put down a huge rock from her back. Even smiles, mainly to himself, but can't keep it away from his face. 

"Emma, I appreciate you apologising. But I think the person who needs your apology the most is Isak." 

"And I did, yesterday and he felt grateful about it!" 

"Good, great! That's great! But I mean that even though I was part of it, the whole thing hurt Isak more than it did me. I'm not saying I'm completely fine with what you did, because it was a very personal thing... But I'm over it. Thank you for saying sorry and I forgive you." Even tells her, his voice a tad bit too carefree than it should. But he's just happy Emma is doing this, that she made the effort to come and talk with him. 

 

"I just hope you'll never do anything like this to anyone ever again," he adds, his voice lowering. 

"I won't, I know how wrong it was now. Thank you for forgiving me," she dares to give him a smile, and when he answers it, she dares to look him in the eyes fully, not from under her lashes. 

 

"Have a nice rest of the day and maybe we can hang out together at some point?" She says when they're just smiling at each other, saying nothing. 

"You too, and yeah, it'd be nice," Even answers her, knowing that they're never going to spend time together voluntarily. They can meet at parties but they're not going to arrange a new disaster date as Halloween was. 

"Okay, well I have to get going! See you around!" She waves at him and is already on her way when Even says "bye" to her back. 

 

He gets back into the cafeteria; Alex, Erik and Daniel go silent at the same second they see him waking in. 

"What did she want?" Alex asks him, shushing himself to make sure he's not yelling. 

"She wanted to apologise," he tells them honestly, going back to his sandwich. 

"For what?" Daniel has never looked so suspicious in the time Even has known him. Even tells them the reasons behind Emma's urge to apologise and all of the three start smiling from ear to ear, like some secret code to finding out the right answers for every exam would've been found. 

 

"You do know that you're getting closer to Friday?" Alex raises his brows suggestively. 

"And your aim was to figure some things out...?" Erik continues, mirroring Alex's expression. 

"You seem like annoying twin brothers who complete each other's sentences," Even tells them, but he can't stop smiling because what they're saying is the truth. Him and Isak have been working on the things that needed to be worked on. And it's almost Friday. 

They're so close to the break being over. Talking with Emma feels like the last thing for Even to feel hopeful him and Isak will come out of this stronger than before. 

 

"Look at him, he knows!" Daniel squeaks, dragging the words out. He pokes Alex's shoulder, all of them laughing at Even's way of trying to suppress his smile with a scrunch of his nose and pursed lips. 

 

\- - - - 

 

Friday. 11 in the morning. 7 hours. 420 minutes. 25 200 seconds. And counting. 

Even knows Isak is going to his locker soon. How does he know that? Yesterday when he was slipping today's drawing on top of Isak's books in his locker, he noticed his English books still there. And Isak has English today. Even also knows that the picture he drew for Isak is going to make him blush, probably even make his eyes go wide. 

He's waiting behind the corner and he has the best view of Isak's locker from his spot. The clock strikes 11.02, when Isak walk lazily towards his locker. He's doing something on his phone, his eyes towards the screen in his hands. His hair is under a dark red beanie, some strands of hair curling out from underneath. He has a scarf loosely around his neck, almost like it could fall off and he wouldn't notice it at all. Even hides his smile behind his own scarf, because he recognises Isak is wearing the one Even gave him last Friday. 

He looks taller than Even remembered, how is that possible? Did Isak grow during these two weeks? Even can only dream what Isak smells like just right now, how his hair is soaked in soapy lavender. How his clothes smell like the first days of spring and boy and man and Isak. Even thinks how he could just walk over there and wrap his arms around Isak's waist. How he could soak in the feeling of being close to Isak. But he can't, there's still a few more hours to go. 

 

Isak leans against the closets, his brows pulled together. He looks like he's deep in thought and Even would want to smooth that wrinkle on his forehead. He'd just want to be there, with Isak, just hearing him breathe and feeling him living under his own two hands. 

Even has to support himself against the wall, when he sees Jonas approaching Isak behind his back. Even also notices he has walked forward from his hiding place and Isak could've easily seen him if he would've just lifted his gaze from his phone. 

Luckily Even is pretty good at controlling his limbs and he manages to hide behind the corner before either Jonas or Isak sees him. He can't hear their chatter but Jonas' words make Isak look up and he starts to smile. 

He pockets his phone and opens his locker, finding the drawing. He doesn't pull it out immediately, but slowly brings it forward. Even from here Even can see the blush that colours his cheeks crimson and how he tries to hide the drawing behind the locker door. Jonas steps closer but Isak almost slams the door shut before Jonas can see something. 

He looks flushed when he looks at Jonas, trying to find words. Even grips the wall, holding in his giggles. He knew this would happen. A picture of Isak moaning, his mouth hanging open and his eyes screwed shut, is the one that is etched to his memory so well that he can even hear his short gasps and pleas. 

 

Magnus and Mahdi walk briskly towards Isak and Jonas and they start to talk about something animatedly. Isak opens his locker again, this time hiding the picture between his English book. He looks a bit calmer now, but still a bit shocked. 

He looks like he's having a hard time focusing on what the others are saying and he keeps glancing at his English books. Until Even realises he's not only looking at his book in front of him but trying to make sure no one can see the boner that's straining his jeans. 

His cheeks are pink like ripe strawberries and his eyes look blown black, rather than green like a summer day. His eyes keep traveling away from his boys, across the hall and over to the people passing them. His eyes follow those students, trying to find something else to think about. Until his eyes land on Even. 

He stares at Even like he wouldn't recognise him for a fraction of a second but when he does, his eyes fall towards his book in front of him. Then he looks up, underneath his lashes, and gives Even a suggestive smirk. Even can't help but smirk at that, knowing very well that it's going to be a hard rest of the day for Isak, like it was for Even when he was drawing and erasing and drawing again, pausing Isak's face in his mind, hearing his echoing voice calling for Even through ecstasy. 

Even raises his brows at Isak and then winks at him. Isak snickers, the other three boys turning to look at him. Even leaves, knowing he really can't wink. At least it made his boyfriend snicker in front of his friends, like it'd be the biggest secret this world holds. Just a few more hours and he can hear Isak's voice, rather than just his memories throwing him sounds Isak has made. 

 

\- - - - 

 

17.57. Even is standing in front of Isak's building, trying to gather his courage. 

Now that the moment is finally here, he feels more nervous than he has felt in months. He doesn't know how he's going to be able to open his mouth, let alone say something. How is he going to find the courage to tell Isak how he has felt during this time apart? How much he has missed him, how much he loves him. 

Two weeks have felt like months and not saying a word has been agonising. But he also feels at ease, like this is the most simple thing in this universe. He's here, standing, waiting, thinking, feeling. And Isak is up there, maybe as nervous as Even. 

 

17.59. Even rings the buzzer. He's let inside almost immediately, like Isak would've stood right next to the door. Even climbs the stairs slowly, two at a time, too nervous to run but also too impatient to wait any longer. He sees Isak's door, closed, soon to be open. He takes a couple of deep breaths, closes his eyes and then knocks on it. 

He can see his hand in slow motion, the sound echoing in the hallway like someone would've dropped a frying pan in the middle of the night, scared to make a lot of noise. When Isak opens the door, it's doesn't happen in slow motion. He almost throws the door open, his eyes wide and his cheeks pink. He's breathing through his mouth, like he would've ran to open the door even though he has clearly stood here waiting. 

For a moment Even just stands there, not sure how he's supposed to continue from here. 

" _Halla_ ," he says, his voice rumbling out from his mouth like stones in a stream, rubbing together and shaping themselves round and smooth.

Isak reaches forward and pulls him inside, his hands fisting Even's jacket hard, forcefully. He presses their lips together violently, biting and licking like he wouldn't be able to contain himself any longer. Even finds his hands on Isak's waist, his fingers pressing into his skin through Isak's shirt. They walk backwards, Even's eyes falling shut and his feet following Isak. 

It doesn't take a lot of effort to know that they're going into Isak's room, almost like there wouldn't have been a break and Even would've walked with Isak into his room every day. 

 

"Should we talk?" Even manages to gasp out when Isak kisses his jaw and neck, then following the traces back up. 

"Shut up," Isak just says, kissing him harshly, pulling Even's jacket off his shoulders. It lands on the floor with a soft thud, his keys and phone safely in the pocket. Even pulls Isak closer, their bodies rubbing together and creating even more heat. 

He can feel small droplets of sweat already forming on his skin in his lower back, the feeling of having Isak kissing him like this making his toes tingle and his head feeling dizzy. He toes off his shoes, stumbling backwards as Isak is still pushing them forward. Even can feel his calves hitting the mattress on the floor, the familiar edge digging against his legs. 

He falls down, Isak following and his lips never leave Even's. Isak pulls Even up from the neck of his shirt, as he straddles Even's lap. He pulls Even's shirt off him, his knuckles stroking Even's skin along the way. He starts to kiss down Even's neck, his collarbones, his chest. Even leans against his hands that rest on the bed, giving Isak more space to do whatever he wants, and he watches the cloud of blond curls, breathing hard and thinking that this is just a dream. 

 

He has wanted this for so long and now they're here and Isak is taking control and Even is feeling like his head is going to explode. But in the back of his head a faint voice reminds him of the real reason why they did this, why Even is here now. They need to talk, they have to tell each other things. Even isn't here for the sex even though it's a nice bonus, but he's here to make it work with Isak. 

"Isak, Isak, listen," Even sits up, his hands landing on Isak's shoulders and he pushes gently. Isak's eyes look wild, almost completely black and his cheeks are flushed and his lips are red. 

"Should we talk first? I mean it, it was the purpose of our break, to figure things out and then talk?" Even is almost in physical pain when he can feel Isak breathing against his skin. He misses the contact, his boyfriend. 

"We can talk after. Now I want you to lay down," Isak tells Even, his voice rough and breathless. He pushes Even back down and he follows, his lips ghosting over Even's. He closes his eyes, ready to feel Isak's lips against his. 

"I need this, I want to feel you. And I've missed your hands on me, so please, do this for me? And then we can talk." Even opens his eyes and finds Isak already staring at him, his eyes asking so much. Even reaches up, his lips locking with Isak's. 

And it's soft, like silk against feathers. It's so soft that it makes Even's heart break into millions of little pieces and it's the greatest, the most magical thing that has happened to him. Every kiss, every small gasp of breath, every small slide of their tongues together, is building his heart back together, putting every piece into their right place, where he has always wanted them to be. He feels his chest swelling with love, fulfilling his every dream and feeding his imagination. 

He can feel complete again, here against Isak, here in his arms. His hands tangle in Isak's hair, stroking the curls and running his fingertips against the skin that makes Isak's back shiver. He smiles against Even's lips, but then finds his rhythm again, his lips tracing a new path down his throat to his chest and stomach.

 

Even looks down, Isak's curls tickling his pale skin. He shivers, every muscle vibrates and makes excitement ripple through his body. Isak's hands ease him out of his jeans, his mouth kissing the line between Even's stomach and the edge of his briefs. Even lays his head back down, letting Isak do whatever he wants. 

But just as he's about to kiss Even's inner thigh, Even's eyes snap open. And it's not because he wouldn't want it but because Isak's lips aren't touching his skin anymore, Even can only feel Isak's chin against his thigh. Even looks down, his brows up and when he sees Isak smiling, he starts to laugh. Isak smiles wider, his eyes crinkling almost shut. Even sits back up, his hand holding Isak's chin and he pulls Isak to face him, nose to nose, because he wants to feel those lips against his own. 

Isak whines and Even moves his hand down from Isak's chin to his shoulder, down his side feeling his ribcage expanding and deflating under his hands. Isak throws himself slowly onto the mattress and Even follows, his hand travelling up under Isak's shirt. Isak's skin is hot, and where ever Even’s fingertips touch, goose bumps rise. 

Even lifts the shirt off Isak slowly, and watches how Isak looks almost like he'd be from a dream. His eyes are green like emeralds, black swallowing most of them. His hair is messy, to be messed even more. Even kneels between Isak's legs and Isak lifts his hips so Even can undress him completely. He does it one leg at a time, kissing his inner thigh and leaving small bite marks, which make Isak squirm. 

Even sees how hard Isak is getting and the anticipation makes Even feel even more excited. When Isak is only in his underwear, and he's looking at Even through his dark eyelashes, Even leans forward. He can't stop smiling when he kisses Isak, and his teeth scrape gently against Isak's. But it doesn't matter now; now that they're finally here, at the end of their break and he gets to hold his boyfriend.

 

To feel and to hold. To taste and to whisper. To know that Isak is here, right now, with Even, gasping for air, holding his hands tightly. Those silent whispers of lust against Even’s ear feel like butterflies released from a glass cage on a summer night filled with fresh air and promise. 

To have. To hope. In so many ways than one. Sparkles fly, light Even on fire, from the top of his head to the tips of his fingers and the bottoms of his feet. Isak curling against him makes him realise what he was missing all along, how he has missed this, them, their own little universe. 

Not the one where Even draws Isak cute cartoons. Or the one where they’re in their own rooms in their own homes, or the one where they see each other in school and only acknowledge that the other is there somewhere. Not the one where they’re not allowed to communicate. He knows it was good, but it was enough, he doesn’t want to stay in that universe. He wants to stay here, where he can be with the one he loves with his whole heart. 

Isak is like a song, that hums in his ears, echoes somewhere far away and incredibly close. He’s like a traffic accident, where Even is gladly laying on the ground, waiting for the impact to feel the most crushing joy. He wants their love in its brutality, in its truthfulness, in its hurtfulness, in its happiness, in its way to light everything on fire and also distinguish it. He wants it all because he’s so sure about it. He wants it, because it’s something that can keep him grounded, in this universe, where he knows who he is. 

 

And their love. It’s like snow falling from a winter sky in the middle of the night. Making everything white. Circling in the air slowly, not wanting to land, but wanting to go somewhere far before they melt. And they end up on someone’s hair, like small butterflies before they’re shaken off. 

And the snowflakes turn into small droplets of water, washing away the winter, making room for sun and flowers. And then everything blooms; colourful, vibrant. Breathing and giving air. And the sun shines like gold, weaving threads of fire down on everyone, until it become too hot and turns everything into sepia colours. 

The trees start to look like they’re in flames, the flowers lose their petals and curl against their stems. Grass turns from green to burnt, until it’s covered with leaves, that blow in the wind. They fly high in the air, still trying to remind people about the past few months. About the good times, about the vibrancy and how lively everything was. 

Now there’s just darkness and cold starts to creep in. And the temperature drops, until there’s nothing living. And that’s when the snowflakes come back. They want to light everything with brightness and glitter, so people could see how beautiful life is, no matter what. That those small white flakes can change everything over one night, transforming darkness into hope again. 

 

Love is the most exciting and most exhausting feeling Even has in his body. He's lying on his side, his hand brushing Isak's hair behind his ear, his eyes watching Even with wonder. This moment reminds Even of the time when he was on the edge. And he decided to jump. And he thought he was losing it all. 

He thought that moment was his last with Isak. It was his goodbye before the crash. And he memorised the way Isak looked, the way he looked at Even, the pattern of his breathing. He memorised Isak and now that is replaced with this new one; Isak who looks calm and happy, in every sense of the word. He is someone stronger, someone who knows, someone who understands and waits and let's Even be himself in this world of messes. 

And Even feels Isak's hair under the pads of his fingers and he can feel Isak's pulse rhythmically beating under his skin every time Even's fingers touch his neck. Every beat is a reminder for Even; why he's here, why there's love, why he believes in love. And those emerald eyes ask him to stay, be there forever, letting him stay there as long as Even wants. Almost like Even would've gone back in time. 

Seeing those beautiful eyes for the first time. Getting to experience Isak's voice for the first time from so close. Being the one who makes Isak smile so softly that it could melt everything in this room. And touch his skin, like it'd be the first thing he has ever touched and felt like he belongs there, touching and feeling, just being so close that two people become one. 

 

Isak's phone vibrates on the bedside table and it keeps going off, breaking the silence and tranquillity. Even pulls his hand back to let Isak see what's going on, who it is. 

"What time is it?" Even asks him, when Isak sighs deep. 

"Uhh, 21:21." 

"Seriously?" 

"Yeah," Isak gives him a look before he starts to smile again. He puts his phone back on the table and comes a little closer, his breathing mixing with Even's. It's now. This is the moment. A moment of impact, a moment of decisions, a moment of control and the moment of letting go. 

 

The first time he heard that time was when he was wearing that ridiculous white wig, which went into his mouth all the time. And he looked at Isak and knew that he had to let go of his past. That was the moment he made the decision, that set everything in motion. 

Now he’s here, and he’ll remember that time for the rest of his life. In good and in bad, it’ll be etched into his blood. That time when him and Isak became one, in the pool and in the school yard. That’s the time. And this will seal everything. 

 

“Remember that Halloween party last year?” Even asks, his voice breaking, being heard and then being replaced with his breathing. 

“Us being god and Julius Caesar? Who would forget,” Isak smiles a little wider, and Even can hear it in Isak’s voice, even when he’d close his eyes. 

“Remember the pool?” 

“The pool? You know I won’t ever forget that,” Isak’s smile fades, gets a little more serious, a bit sad. 

 

“I had only dreamed about something like that before it actually happened. I had only dreamed I’d get to kiss someone who I actually felt something for. Then you came along and the dream started to move in fast forward. Suddenly it wasn’t a dream anymore.”

Even lets the words sink in, lets them float around them, around his ears, makes them grow into flowers that surround them. 

“I had only dreamed about a boy, about you. That I’d get to kiss you and you’d make my heart hammer until I wasn’t able to feel it anymore. I had only dreamed about being alive. I was there, but I felt like an outsider in my own body. It was someone else and when I kissed you for the first time, I knew that I wasn’t the person who hides anymore. I wanted to be me, no matter what. No matter how scared I was, because I had never been so scared in my whole life. But when I was with you, I wasn’t so scared anymore. You made me… me.” 

Isak swallows hard, and his cheeks heat up. He looks like he’s embarrassed of what he has said, like he wouldn’t have wanted to say it but was forced to admit it. 

 

“I told you once that I’ve never felt like this before. I still feel the same way. I’ve never felt like this towards anyone before.” Isak’s eyes light up and they try to find something from Even, something that would say something else. Something that would affect him in some other way than feeling like this is where he needs to be. 

But he can’t find that. He can’t find anything else other than truth. And he finds the same truth under his own skin too. 

“I’ve never felt like this before, either,” Isak finally says, almost voiceless, almost just moving his mouth but not saying the words. Even’s mouth breaks out into a little smile and he moves towards Isak, his head on Isak’s pillow. 

 

“Had you had anyone before me?” He asks, almost teasing Isak with the question. Isak’s shoulders tense up, and he seems like he’s holding his breath. 

“You don’t have to say….” Even tells him when he sees the uneasiness, just as Isak says, “there was someone…” 

“Someone?” Even narrows his eyes, wanting to hear more about Isak’s past before he stepped into Isak’s life. 

“Nothing happened, it was just me who felt something…” 

“What was it like then?” 

“For me? Too comfortable, too usual, too easy.” 

 

Just as the word usual floats out from Isak’s mouth, Even can picture someone in his mind. Someone, who is always there for Isak. Someone who Isak always hangs out with. Someone whose hands Isak can trust his life into. 

“Was it Jonas?” Even giggles and his hand holds Isak’s waist, feeling how he shudders when that name appears. Isak groans and hides his face into the pillow, even his ears are blushing. Even starts to laugh, low and rumbly and Isak groans more, trying to burrow his face into the mattress through the pillow. 

 

“Stoooop, I don’t want to think about it, it’s too embarrassing,” Isak says into the sheets, still not lifting his face. 

“Why not?” Even asks and he silences his laughter after he sees how uncomfortable Isak is. Finally, Isak lifts his head to face Even, and he looks surprised to see Even still smiling but seriously asking him why it’s embarrassing. 

 

“I don’t know. Maybe because he’s my best friend.” 

“Does he know?” Even has no idea if Isak has ever told Jonas about his feelings. Does it matter, though? Does it matter if Jonas knows how Isak felt about him? 

“No, I never told him. Even when I told him about you and he asked if it was him who I meant, I said that it wasn’t. But it hasn’t been him for a long time. It has been only you. And only you have answered my feelings.” Even kisses Isak’s forehead and Isak tips his head forward, smiling, waiting for more kisses. Even kisses his nose, a line on his cheek, the corner of his eye and then his lips, lingering for a moment. 

 

“What would’ve happened if you wouldn’t have met me? Do you think you would’ve still been into Jonas?” Even lays his head back down, watching Isak get comfortable talking about this. 

“No, I knew nothing was going to happen with him. Also, I don’t know if I would’ve still been into him, since I don’t think he’s really my type,” Isak talks slowly, every word holding a meaning. 

“Your type? Do you have a type?” Isak starts to blush more again, and he smiles with Even. 

“I think I do.” 

“And what is that type? 

“You,” Isak says and he leans forward, his nose against Even’s. He can feel the heat on Isak’s skin and it’s like he’d be the sun and Even would need the energy, the warmth to keep breathing. 

Isak presses his body against Even’s and he holds his forehead against Even’s, giving him the strength he needs. Even has his arm around Isak’s shoulder, and he’s drawing mindlessly on his back, his eyes watching the ceiling. 

 

“I met Sonja,” he says, anxiousness in his voice. He can feel the tightness in his body, the way it tries to strangle him, not give him the courage to talk about this. But he makes himself do it. Isak only listens, but Even can feel how Isak’s heart starts to beat faster inside his chest, the pounding vibrating into Even’s body. 

“Apparently, she wanted the closure too, that she needed it. And we talked it out. What went wrong, why we got so distant. And now we’re over.” 

“Why did you get so distant?” Isak’s voice sounds small, just trying not to pry but still wanting to know what happened. 

“Because we grew apart. it wasn’t us anymore, we were other people in the same relationship. And we didn’t fit together anymore.” 

“She also told me that she told you about me being bipolar. But also, that she didn’t want to hurt you the way she did.” Even waits for a moment, his eyes closed, because this is the hardest part. 

 

“I told her, that I felt like she only saw me as my illness. And that’s what I’m afraid of with you, too. That now it’s good, but what about next year? Will you only see me as my illness too? Will you forget me, and only think about what is happening in my head? And I’m scared of you seeing what it’s like, from start to finish. I’m afraid it’s going to scare you away. And I’m afraid you can’t handle it, that you’re going to freak out. Even though I’d have an episode, it’s still me.”

“I also realised, that I want you to know about these things. I want to let you in. And I want you to understand, but I need you to promise me that you’ll be you and you’ll be honest with me. You’ll talk to me about this, if something makes you confused or scared. I want to understand you the way I want you to understand me. But I want us to stay us.” Even opens his eyes and he can feel tingles all over his body. He let out the fear and he’s here, raw and open about his thoughts. Isak looks at him, his eyes awake and he nods slowly. 

“I promise you, it’s going to be us. I’m so proud you told me this,” his hand grabs Even’s and he squeezes it hard three times. Like saying it with his body, those three words. 

 

“Also, something happened to me yesterday…” Even begins and Isak furrows his brows. 

“Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah, everything’s great,” Even smiles and drapes Isak with comfort. 

“Just that a certain Emma Larzen wanted to talk to me and apologised,” Even raises his brows and Isak lets out a breath. 

“I guess it’s my turn?” He asks and Even nods, waiting to hear Isak’s voice again. 

 

“I talked with her for a good while. I explained to her how not okay it was for her to out me and us to her friends. She said that she kind of knew they were going to say something and she didn’t stop them. She was just hurt. But she also said that she understood it was wrong of her. And she never should’ve done it. That’s when I told her to also talk to you, because it wasn’t only me. And I’m happy that she did talk with you, I have to thank her for that.” He stops abruptly and swallows, his words drying in his throat. He’s staring at their joined hands. 

“I also talked with my mom and also with my dad. But I’ve been spending a bit more time with mum. A lot actually.” He looks up to see Even, but then looks back down. 

“How did it go?” 

“It was nice, she seemed to be doing okay. We had dinner a few times and went for coffee and for walks. I think I’ll want you to meet her sometime soon, she’d like that.” 

“Dad is just dad, you’ll meet him soon, too, but you meeting mum means more to me.”

 

"Isak..." Even's voice makes him look up, and Even is trying to muster the most poignant voice he has ever had.

"I'm so proud of you and I know that it must've been hard for you. But I couldn't be prouder. You have to know that." Even is trying to stress every word, make every word count, make Isak feel like he's the most valued thing in this world. He has to know that. 

He has put so much effort into these things that he knew he needed to work on. And he has faced these things even though they've been difficult. But he did it. And he deserves to be noticed for it. 

Even squeezes Isak's hand three times too and it makes Isak shed a small smile.

 

"I'd love to meet your mum, whenever you feel the most comfortable. I can wait as long as you need," Even almost whispers, his voice breathy.

He doesn't know why he feels so out of breath and choked up, but suddenly he is. It's like he'd watch the most beautiful art piece in the entire world, and he gets to touch it, like he'd be the only person in the world who'd have the privilege.

 

"I was actually thinking if you'd like to meet her next Friday? I've been talking with mum about it, about you two meeting and because I've talked so much about you, she said that she'd like to meet you as soon as possible; that she wants to make sure you're actually a good person and that you can make me happy," Isak hides his face against the pillow for a moment before he looks up to face Even again.

"Is that so, she thinks I make you happy?" Even can't fight the grin that appears.

"Isn't it pretty obvious?" Isak raises his brows, but loses the sass and comes closer, his lips so close to Even's that Even can feel the lines against his own.

"You make me the happiest," Isak whispers, just like he said that Even is the man of his life. Like this could be a new version of that. 

His lips touch Even's; first gently, then a bit more demandingly, a bit more hungry. Even answers by kissing him slowly back, following what Isak does, giving him something in return with every stroke of his tongue and every breath he breathes against Isak's skin.

 

"I'd want for us to make an agreement of the things that we had to think about, what do you think?" Even says when they've laid there for just a moment, without saying any words.

"What kind of agreement?"

"For example, I'll be honest and open about things. That I'll explain things to you if you ever feel like something has to be explained. I won't say that I'm not going to push you away when things get tough. But I'm not going to hide either. I'll try to let you in more."

"Okay, yeah, that sounds good. If that's what you want to promise, then I'll promise to never leave you alone with anything. I'm going to talk to you and I'm going to listen to you. I'll try to understand everything the best I can. I think I'll still fuck up at some point, but I'm going to handle it a lot better and you have to be patient with me on some things. I promise to be me," Isak sounds so calm that his voice is like a stream flowing forward. It fills every cell in Even's body and every one of those cells explode like small fireworks.

"I'll promise to keep it us, you and me, Isak and Even, and I promise to not give up," Even tells him, not really knowing where the words come from. But his mouth keeps on talking and the words start to make sense more and more.

"It's going to be us, no matter what," Isak smiles and presses his lips against Even's, like a seal on a very important government letter. 

It's heated and soft at the same time, filled with promises that they're not saying but both know are in the air. The most important one is the promise to love each other no matter what. They both squeeze their hands at the same time and Isak smiles against Even's lips.

 

"I never thought we'd have this conversation in bed. I always thought we were going to figure these things out over a table eating something," Even laughs, when Isak pulls back for air.

"There's still something for you to eat," Isak offers and it makes Even tickle his sides, making Isak squirm and try to hide away under the duvet. 

Even manages to crawl between Isak's legs, his arms on either side of Isak's face. His naked body lays heavy against Isak's and he can feel the electricity excite both of them. And he's smiling and he's feeling the luckiest in this world.

 

"I love you, Isak Valtersen," he says, content and feeling like a million light bulbs would be lit in his heart and mind. 

"Ohohoh, we're using full names now!" Isak laughs, his cheeks puffed out. Even leans down, kissing his face where ever he can.

"I love you, Even Bech Næsheim," Isak whispers into his ear, before Even kisses the soft skin under Isak's ear and makes him gasp for air in the room, which is filled with butterflies and sparks lighting everything on fire.

 

\- - - -

 

”Have you read for tomorrow’s exam?” Erik whines when he and Even are walking from school. 

“Of course!” Even has a light skip to his step, and he’s feeling the sun shine on him the more he smiles. He raises his face towards the sky, listening on the city noises and the spring buzzing around them. Some birds have already woken up to sing their most beautiful songs, but most are still somewhere far away. 

“Have you really? You seem like you haven’t had a lot of time to study in the past few days,” Erik pokes Even’s ribs and makes him defend himself from the accusing fingers. 

“I think I could’ve read a bit more, I admit that, but I’ve read, unlike some,” Even raises his brows and chuckles when Erik groans. 

 

“It’s enough that you’re like glowing all the time… You can’t get a better grade too,” Erik side-eyes him but Even makes him lose all the sharpness from the look with his dashing smile. 

“Cheer up, you’ll be fine! Just think positively!” 

“I wish the teacher could give me a 6 by only thinking positively. But I actually have to get a good grade from this exam, it’s the easiest one!” 

“Psychology, the easiest?” 

“Well at least I know something about people. If there’d be math problems, then it doesn’t matter if I go there or not, I’d still fail no matter what.” 

“Give yourself a chance, Erik, don’t be such a downer,” Even wraps his arm around Erik’s shoulder and they walk side by side for a few steps. 

 

“Get off me, you’re too positive!” Erik pushes him off, but can’t fight the smile that breaks through. He starts to walk a bit faster, but it doesn’t take long for Even to catch him in a headlock. 

“Awww, you love it, you love it when I’m so positive!” Even’s voice goes high and chirpy and Erik starts to fight him off, but laughs too much. He tries to catch his breath between laughs, while Even pokes his sides and ruffles his hair. 

“Even! Even, stop it!” He laughs, and they stop on the sidewalk. Even finally lets go and gives Erik a chance to straighten his jacket and make sure his hair is okay in the coffee shop window. Even checks his phone, and sees from the side of his eye how Erik’s movements slow down. 

 

“Even, is that Isak?” He asks, turning towards Even and then points inside the coffee shop. Even looks up and sees a boy sitting his back towards the window. 

“Doesn’t he have a snapback like that?” 

“I think it’s Jonas’ snapback, but I think that’s Isak.” Even shrugs, not knowing what to do. He thought Isak went straight home after school, but he did seem like he was in a rush when they met after their last classes. And they’re not even supposed to meet until later this evening when they’ve both done their homework and such. 

 

“I think I’ll go say hi to him,” Even says and his smile returns, thinking how he’ll surprise Isak. 

“Should I wait or?” Erik asks, glancing over at Isak who’s hunched over the table, maybe reading something. 

“No, I’ll see you tomorrow at the exam,” Even pats him on the shoulder and they say their goodbyes. Erik groans when Even tells him to study hard, but promises to still do his best. 

 

Even opens the door to the café and he’s instantly met with the warm smell of coffee and other warm beverages. Isak doesn’t notice him walking in and it gives Even a great chance to sneak behind him and scare him. Even sees him doing something on his phone, totally focused on the screen in front of him. He’s sipping his coffee casually, not hearing or seeing a thing. 

Even tiptoes behind his back and tries not to make any sounds. The first thing he thinks is that he’ll scare Isak by yelling into Isak’s ear, but then decides against it. He holds his breath and leans down, his hands down to grab Isak’s waist. 

He can already smell Isak’s familiar smell, the one that gives Even a homey feeling. He tries to not start laughing but when he knows it’s going to happen, he closes the distance between Isak’s neck and his mouth and starts to give kisses against Isak’s smooth skin. Isak jumps and makes a whiny sound, and Even can feel his pulse speeding up under his lips. His hands cradle Isak’s ribs and rub down to his hips. 

 

“Hi baby,” Even exhales a chuckle, and lets Isak turn in his chair, his cheeks deep red. Even his nose is blushing. He exhales a laugh, and looks a mix of taken a back and incredulous. Even sits next to him, but sees how Isak looks around the room, his breathing shallow. 

“What are you doing here, Even?” He asks, and he fidgets in his chair. 

“I just saw you from the window and thought I’d surprise you,” Even smiles, and brushes his thumb across Isak’s burning cheek. 

“Great, cool, great,” Isak says and his breath shudders out in a long exhale. Even can’t stop watching how beautiful Isak is, but his nervousness is something that he hasn’t seen in a long time. Maybe Isak is just shocked to see Even, since he wasn’t expecting anyone. 

Even takes his takeaway coffee cup from the table to try how full it is to notice another one sitting right opposite from Isak. He glances towards Isak, who is trying to breathe, but he looks like he’s actually going to choke on air. 

 

“You said great twice,” Even tells him, trying to grasp what’s going on. Why is Isak so nervous? They’ve been good, haven’t they? Everything’s going okay, better than okay. 

“I’m sorry Even, but I wasn’t expecting you to come here and I’m with…” Isak starts to ramble so fast that his tongue can’t twist with the words. 

“Isak?” A woman appears from nowhere in front of Even and Isak, right behind the seat with the coffee cup. Isak looks like he has seen a ghost and he looks like he’s going to be sick. Even can’t move. The woman. She has brown hair, almost auburn colour. She has wide, green eyes, that are trying to comprehend what is going on in front of her. And the green, Even could recognise it anywhere. The same colour as Isak’s. And the bow of her lips reminds him so much of Isak’s lips. 

 

They all stare at each other, all lost for words. There’s tension building in the air and Even can see Isak opening his mouth and then closing it. He looks like he’s blushing, but he also looks pale as a sheet. When the woman doesn’t get a word out from Isak, she turns her eyes slowly towards Even and he looks back at her, not knowing what to say. 

They weren’t supposed to meet, not yet. No wonder Isak was so nervous. They’re supposed to meet on Friday, have a nice evening and get to know each other. And Even was going to see Isak’s childhood home for the first time, since it’s more comfortable for Isak’s mum to be there. 

 

“Are you Isak’s friend?” She asks, her voice soft. Even swallows, thinks he must’ve swallowed his tongue at the same time. Slowly he pushes the chair out and stands up, and reaches his hand out towards her, like she could be a bird ready to fly away. Like Even could scare her away. 

“Yes, hello, I’m Even, nice to meet you,” Even reaches his hand out and observes her, holding his breath. He knows Isak is holding his breath too, he’s not even moving. Isak might be in the brink of fainting. 

“Even,” she says, almost like tasting the name in her mouth. She gives a small smile and her eyes water, maybe because she hasn’t blinked in a while or because this moments is pretty overwhelming. Even nods and sees her reaching her hand out. But as soon as she touches Even’s hand and they shake their joined hands for a few seconds, he can’t feel anything. 

 

“I’m Marianne, nice to meet you,” she introduces herself and sits down. Even follows and opens his jacket. It’s suddenly so incredibly hot in here that he feels like he’s wearing his best winter clothes in the hottest day of the summer. 

“Isak didn’t say you were supposed to meet us here,” she says, her eyes flicking to Isak who finally seems like he’s breathing again. 

“I’m sorry, it’s all me. I wasn’t supposed to meet you, I was just walking past and saw Isak sitting here and thought I’d come and say hello. I really didn’t know anything about this,” Even moves his hand in a small circle around the table, biting his teeth together as soon as he closes his mouth. 

“It’s okay with me, you being with us, if you like,” Marianne offers and Isak clearly lets out a relieved breath. His hand comes to rest on Even’s thigh under the table. 

 

“You remember when we talked about Even, don’t you mum?” Isak asks a bit tentatively and his voice shakes. 

“Isak, of course I remember who Even is. You’ve talked about him so much,” she smiles a little wider and it makes Isak finally lose all the tension in his shoulders. But the way he blushes makes him bow his head. Even can see how much he’s trying to fight off the smile by biting his lips together. 

“I hope he has told you only nice things?” Even tries for a joke, really not knowing what could come out of this. But Marianne takes a sip of her coffee and chuckles lightly. 

“What about you get yourself something too and then we can talk more about what Isak has told me about you?” She suggests and he takes it as a good chance to finally get rid of his jacket and breathe for a moment. 

 

He stands up and gives the two a smile before he goes to queue for his turn to get his order in. He’s trying to decide between a bagel and something sweet, feeling his heart hammering in his throat. He tries to talk himself down, but his fingers keep drumming his wallet. 

“You okay?” Isak’s voice makes Even jolt from his thoughts, but when he feels Isak’s hand in his and sees his face right next to him, Even nods. 

“I don’t know why I’m this nervous,” Even admits, almost whispers. 

“Mum is too, but I think this is good. Maybe this is very good, considering this was supposed to happen when we’re making food on Friday. That could’ve been disastrous.” Isak smiles and he rises on his tiptoes and kisses Even’s cheek. 

“What about your mum?” Even’s eyes glance towards Marianne, who turns her eyes away from the couple. She looks like she’s blushing, but at least she can’t see the crimson colour on Even’s cheeks. 

“This is fine, we’re fine,” Isak tells him and squeezes his hand. Even smiles and ducks his head down to hide the blush on his cheeks down his chest. 

 

\----

 

The sun is still high in the horizon, when the party keeps on heating and the bass keeps thumping through bodies and muscles, making sweat shiver down people’s skin. The house is packed with people everyone knows and people no one knows. They must be from other schools. But as long as there’s music and as long as there’s drinks, who cares who are here. The only thing that matters is that you get to celebrate the start of summer holidays. 

All of the windows and doors are open and still it seems like the air sits still between bodies. There’s laughter, there’s shouting and there’s clothes clinging to skin. But the more their clothes get moist from sweat, the more people lose their clothes or get water thrown on them. The party is messy, but one of the best anyone has ever been in. 

The living room has been turned into a dancefloor, but some are also dancing outside, in the garden, just to get some air. But the music never leave these people alone. In the living room, someone is playing the newest and the oldest of dance songs which make people lose their minds. When a spice girls song comes on, everyone jumps up at the same time, making the floor shake when everyone’s feet contact the surface again. And whoever moves, everyone moves. Whoever moves their hips, then everyone move their hips. and if someone throws their hands in the air, then everyone have their hands in the air. 

 

But there’s an exception. Isak’s hands comb through Even’s moist hair, his body pressed tightly against Even’s, like they’d be melting together. Even’s hands are on Isak’s hips and he’s holding tight, almost too tight. He can feel the heat through Isak’s t-shirt and he’d want to get rid of it, just to touch Isak’s skin. 

Isak’s hands come to rest against Even’s neck and he pulls Even closer to kiss his open lips. In the middle of the room, where music is around them and where they’re trying to breathe water from the air, Isak still manages to surprise Even. Like he always does. Like he probably always will. 

But Even will never get tired of finding out new things from Isak, like now how hungry he is to kiss Even in the heat of the party. Or how he reacted when Even told Isak he’s going to take a year off from studying and then next year apply for university, just to be ready and sure of what he exactly wants. Just to make sure he’ll focus on studying and doing what he wants for the future. And Isak kissed him and told him he’s proud of Even. 

And when Even told him he got a job from a flower shop, Isak had asked Even to take him there. And he had asked what is Even’s favourite flower. No one had ever asked Even that and Isak blushed under Even’s gaze, when he told Isak that. 

 

“I’m proud of you,” Isak says into Even’s ear, and his breathing tickles Even’s skin. But his voice sounds like a whisper, and his hands are holding onto Even so tight. Even can’t believe how lucky he is, how incredibly happy he is. How unbelievably free he feels. Like he’d be high on something, but at the same time he’s here with Isak, and he doesn’t need anything else. 

“Want to get some fresh air?” Even asks Isak, when a wave of new dancers walk into the living room. Isak only holds Even’s hand and Even knows what he means. They go out into the garden, which is also packed. 

They’re trying to find a more private spot, but that seems to be impossible. There’s a whistling sound, and another, that makes Isak and Even look up. And there high up on a balcony are Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus, waving for them to join. 

They have to walk back in and squeeze through drunk people and people hooking up against walls and stairs, but when they get upstairs and behind the doors to the balcony, they are let out to join Isak’s friends and catch a breather. 

 

“Congrats Even!” Magnus throws himself against Even and hugs him, not minding how sweaty Even actually is. 

“This is your fifteenth time congratulating him, Mags,” Jonas says, but laughs. 

“You can graduate from high school only once, of course I want to make the man feel happy!” Magnus’ eyes gleam with drunkenness. Even chuckles, especially when he sees Isak’s eyes watching Magnus carefully. 

“Are you jealous?” Mahdi asks Isak, who only shakes his head, but Even knows the look in his eyes. Isak takes a sip of his beer, that Jonas gave him, when Even leans his mouth against Isak’s ear. 

“Even though Mags can hug me, you’re the one I’m going home with,” he whispers, making sure no one else hears. And he knows the other three don’t hear it because they’re talking about something completely different. 

But Isak does hear it. His knuckles brush against Even’s hip, a couple of his fingers tracing a line under Even’s shirt. And his cheeks are pink and the late sun rays make him look like he’s made of molten gold. Even kisses his cheek, and they stand side by side, sipping from the same bottle. 

 

Jonas talks about a girl he has been texting with but who couldn’t come to the party. They try to figure out what is more important than house parties on the day of graduation, and can come up with many things, but they all decide it has to be because of a family dinner. Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas all look at Isak at that point, and they burst out laughing, while Even tries to understand what is going on. 

“You’ll figure it out at some point,” Isak tells him, with a mischievous look in his eyes. 

“Or not!” Mahdi blurts out and they all start to laugh again, even more than before. Even just shakes his head, but his attention turns from the boys to his friends in the garden, trying to get his attention. 

Alex, Erik and Daniel are all waving at him and pointing towards something. When Even follows their hands, he sees a familiar looking blonde down in the garden. And he can’t believe his eyes, since that girl has longer hair. But it has to be Sonja. 

“Is that…?” Isak’s voice wakes him, and Even notices they’re all looking at him. 

 

“I’ll just go and say hi, come with,” Even takes Isak’s hand and almost drags him along. He knows he’s squeezing Isak’s hand way too tightly and he’s moving way too fast in the crowded rooms, but he hasn’t seen Sonja in months and he has kind of missed her and he wants to know what she’s doing here. 

They come outside, Isak stumbling behind Even on a doorstep but he doesn’t let go of Even’s hand. He can’t, even if he’d want. Even’s hold is too strong. 

 

“Sonja!” Even says, cheery and just a bit drunk. She turns around and the first thing she notices is how Isak is also there. She smiles and then looks up towards Even’s eyes and she almost beams at him. 

“Hi!” She takes a tentative step forward and then wraps her arms around Even’s shoulders. Even hugs her only with his other arm, because the other is occupied. Isak looks up towards his friends and they all stare at Sonja, shaking their heads and spreading their hands out, asking who she is. 

Isak mouths her name to them, and Magnus shakes his hands, pulling both Mahdi and Jonas from the railing to tell them he remembers the name Sonja. Isak shakes his head and takes a swig of his beer, trying to stay as normal as he can. 

 

“You remember Isak?” Even asks her when they’ve hugged, and he pulls Isak a little forward, like he’d be the most precious diamond in the world. 

“Of course, hi,” Sonja clearly doesn’t know what to do, if she should shake Isak’s hand or just wave at him or hug him. Maybe it’s the beer, maybe it’s the summer night, maybe it’s the feeling of having Even right here by his side, but Isak pulls his hand from Even and takes a step forward to hug her. She’s taken a back, but hugs him back nonetheless. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Even asks her when Isak has let go and they’ve stepped back from each other. 

“One of my friends is here and she asked me to come. But I kind of also knew you’d be here so… Yeah! Congratulations, Even, I’m happy for you,” she smiles and they stand awkwardly in a triangle. 

They have never spent time together, the three of them, and maybe it’s just good it hasn’t happened. They all stare at each other, and smile, before they can all feel like this is not going to happen. Even starts to laugh first, and his cheerful voice makes both Isak and Sonja lose their control and laugh too. 

“I hope you have a fun evening, Sonja. I’ll see you around,” Even tells her, giving her one more hug. She only waves at Isak, and then she’s already going inside, leaving the couple outside. They look at each other, bursting out in laughter. 

 

“That went well,” Isak tells him, drinking the last of his beer. He throws the bottle away just when Even pulls Isak closer, his hands in the back pockets of Isak’s jeans. 

“it’s good I never invited you both for cheese toasties,” Even smiles and kisses Isak’s forehead. 

“Shut up,” Isak groans, but answers his kisses eagerly. The boys on the balcony start to cheer on them, whooping and whistling. And there’s sounds much closer, too. Isak breaks the kiss to see Even’s friends walking past them, all winking the same way Even always does. Isak holds in his giggles, and focuses back on Even. 

“You want to get out of here?” Isak asks Even, his chin on Even’s shoulder as Even kisses his neck. He sees the boys on the balcony and flips them the finger, only earning laughs. He can feel Even nodding against his skin, which is enough of an answer for Isak. Because he has a surprise. 

 

They walk until the sun has set and the sky is only streaked with different shades of red and purple, blue here and there, some birds singing from the top of their small lungs. Isak keeps singing to some song he can’t get out of his head and Even keeps laughing, and twirling Isak. 

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” Even asks Isak, who is still leading him somewhere Even doesn’t know. Isak doesn’t say anything, only smiles and holds Even’s hands tighter in his, walking backwards and humming the song. Even doesn’t mind though, he’ll follow that boy where ever he goes. 

 

When Nissen comes to view, Even sighs and raises his brows at Isak. And when their bench appears in front of them, Even can only feel his heart beating rapidly inside his ribcage. 

“Sit there, I’ll be right back,” Isak tells him, running somewhere. Even sits on the back of the bench and looks up, marvelling the colours of the night. It’s so quiet, yet alive. He can feel the city breathing around him, taking him in and doing all it can to keep Even there. 

 

“Surprise,” Isak says quietly, almost sneakily, and when Even looks at him, there’s a small gift bag in his other hand and a bottle of sparkling wine in his other. 

“I told you I don’t want any presents, it’s enough that I can spend this day with you,” Even whines, but takes the bag when Isak holds it out. 

“it’s just something small I saw you were missing. Well, you told me how you had lost it. Or not lost it, but that you had broken it,” Isak tries to make sense with his words, but he knows he’s a bit too tipsy to actually form coherent sentences. 

Isak sits next to him, leaving a small gap between their heated bodies. Like a pro, he screws the cork open. Suddenly the bottle pops and the cork flies up in the air, foaming alcohol spilling out. Isak drinks from the bottle, while Even watches him amusedly. 

 

“Have you gotten some practice or what?” Even asks him and Isak rolls his eyes, scooting closer. 

“It feels wrong to be here,” Even says, narrowing his eyes and watching the school yard which he got so used to in the past year. 

“What do you mean?” 

“This doesn’t feel like my place anymore, like I’m some sort of an intruder here. And at the same time everything’s so familiar,” he explains, taking the bottle from Isak when he offers it. He grimaces when the warm alcohol hits his tongue. 

 

“Why won’t you open that,” Isak nods towards the gift bag, that Even set between his feet. He sighs but gives the bottle back to Isak and picks the gift up, looking inside. 

There’s some sort of a glass ball, and it shimmers in the last light of the day. He picks it up and when he lifts the ball, it reveals a city. In a ball with plastic snow, that rests at the bottom. He can feel Isak’s eyes on him, waiting for Even to say or do something. But he can’t. 

He turns the snow globe around, to see it completely. And the buildings inside that glass ball look like he’d know them, like he’d walk past them every day. Then there’s something he doesn’t expect. An edge. And on that edge, is a bench, with two figures. 

Even looks at Isak, realising what it is. 

 

“Is this us? Are we in this snow globe?” He asks and shakes the ornament, watching the snow fall on the two people inside that world. 

“I know it’s cheesy. I just… I don’t know. I think I just wanted to give you something that’ll remind you of us no matter what.” He shrugs and looks almost ashamed of getting such a gift. 

 

“There’s an engraving too,” he says quietly, looking away and drinking from the bottle. 

Even turns the ornament around, until he realises to look at the bottom. _In this, and every other universe_. He knows he gasps rather dramatically, but he can’t help it. No one has ever given him such a present. 

 

“I can return it if you don’t like it,” Isak says, shying away to look at Even’s reaction. 

“Isak, look at me,” he says, and when Isak does, he only shakes his head and smiles, not knowing what to say. And when he doesn’t, he tilts his chin forward to kiss Isak’s mouth, tasting the alcohol on his lips. 

“I love you,” he whispers against Isak’s mouth, kissing him again. The sparkling wine sloshes in the bottle when Isak wraps his arms around Even’s shoulders, sitting awkwardly. 

But he smiles and Even smiles and they’re here. In this small snow globe and in this huge world, that doesn’t seem real at times. And at other times it’s too real. No matter what, in this, and in every other universe there possibly is, Isak is kissing Even and they’re happy. 

At least for a few seconds the world stops spinning and their happiness becomes reality. The feeling of being this happy stops the moment to make it the realest. Before the world, their world, starts to spin again and everything changes. But one thing doesn’t change; Isak holding Even and never letting go, making sure he’s not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who have come here and read my fic. It means so much to me. Also, thank you to everyone who have left kudos and comments, they warm my heart :) And they're also still very much appreciated! 
> 
> You can talk to me here or on [tumblr](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/) :) There's also a [tumblr post](http://isakinloveblog.tumblr.com/post/157161036023/all-the-time-i-dream-of-you-wow-even-breathes) you can share :)


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